newsletter Feb06

The newsletter, Mar 2008

Women become mothers at different ages

There is no ideal age to become a mother: every woman has her own needs and times, and every age has its positive sides and its difficult moments. Taking advantage of the positive sides in order to peacefully face difficulties guarantees mothers to welcome a new life with all the love and serenity possible.

For sure, when a woman is in her twenties, her germ cells are young: it is easier to get pregnant and the risk of chromosomal anomalies is limited. The body is able to face pregnancy and labour, but physical maturity might not match a psychological preparation. After the baby's birth, therefore, a girl might feel a bit "trapped", feel that her youth is over and the risk of depression is, in some cases, around the corner. It is essential to attend prenatal classes, which are offered in hospitals' maternity departments or family centres, in order for women to compare themselves with other expectant mothers, discuss about the future, face fears and difficulties without being judged. Private interviews with specialists could be requested, which the partner and the relatives should participate to. A check-up to make sure that the expectant woman does not have any sexually transmitted diseases, such as HIV, syphilis or genital Herpes is crucial, as, especially among youngsters, those illnesses are on the increase. A blood test is sufficient in order to exclude the problem or, eventually, in order to start the prophylaxis that could limit the effects that those illnesses might have on the foetus.

When a woman is in her thirties, she is in the period that allows the compromise between desire for maternity and need of independence. In the majority of cases, women at this age already have a stable relationship and a job, the risk of chromosomal illnesses and the discomforts related to the pregnancy are still low. At this age, however, women tend to "exaggerate", facing the pregnancy without modifying their life. Instead it is necessary for a woman to revise her life style, because the foetus could feel the effects. If the woman smokes, it is necessary to quit, following the most proper systems recommended by the gynaecologist. And it is also important to dedicate some time in order to concentrate on the emotions related to pregnancy, to focus on the feeling of a changing body, to pick pregnancy clothes with pleasure, which could make the expectant mother feel attractive. Work commitments have to be reduced in order to have more time to relax and to dedicate to the treatment of the body and to a healthy diet. The monthly gynaecological visits and the three ultrasounds have to be performed regularly and they should not be postponed.

Near 40 years of age or even after, a woman is mature and aware of her choice, which she strongly believes in. The risk of post-partum depression is limited, due to her great happiness, but that child who is so precious might be raised by an over protective mother. The psychological help, available also at maternity centres, could be useful in order to understand that a child is an independent individual. At 40 years of age, the risk of chromosomal illnesses increase and discomforts such as high pressure, gestosis and gestational diabetes could more often take place. Women at this age have to be prepared to have a Caesarean delivery, which is more frequent in "older" mothers. However, it is necessary to be absolutely peaceful: today the prenatal diagnostics allows to early detect any anomaly that might affect the baby's health. Furthermore, it is recommended to try to do physical activities such as walks, light exercise, swimming, to keep weight down, in order to limit the risk of diabetes and gestosis. In conclusion it is essential to have a proper diet in order for the child to have all the necessary substances to grow. The gynaecologist might decide, in case of need, to recommend food supplements.

The breast starts getting ready during pregnancy: it has enlarged, nipples have gotten darker and bigger due to the flow of hormones produced by the placenta and hypophysis. Milk production, however, begins after delivery, when in the woman's body, a real hormonal "storm" takes place, which stimulates the wok of the mammary gland. The brain as a matter of fact releases prolactin, the neuro-hormone which favours the gland's activity and that is produced in great quantity thanks to the newborn's suction: the more the baby sucks, the more prolactin gets produced, the more milk reaches the breast. That is why it is important to latch the newborn as soon as possible after delivery.

The milk produced by the breast does not always have the same composition. During the first hours, the baby sucks colostrum, a thick and yellowish liquid, rich in proteins, mineral salts and antibodies. The real milkflow takes place around the third-fourth day. The mother is aware of what is taking place because her breast gets hard, swollen, congested and it could be painful. Furthermore a slight rise in her body temperature could take place. The lactation's milk is clearer and creamier, it contains more fat and sugar compared to colostrum. Not all women produce the same quantity but, be careful, the size of the breast does not matter. What really matters is to latch the baby to the breast with regularity and constancy. In order to favour the production, it could be useful to drink a lot: natural water which should not be too cold, detanninated tea, fresh squeezed juices, fruit juices, soup. Even a correct diet, with a slightly higher caloric intake compared to the standard intake (approximately 2000 calories a day) could help. Also it is useful to apply warm and moist compresses on the breast, right before latching the baby.

Already from the first hours in the maternity department, the obstetricians could supply a precious support in order to help women to properly latch their babies. The newborn's mouth has to not only contain the nipple but also part of the areola. The baby's chin rests on the mother's breast and her head is directed upwards in order to allow her to breathe. Her body is aligned with her head and it is supported by the mother's arm to avoid slipping down which would cause the nipples to be pulled, responsible for the formation of rhagades, painful cuts which are the most frequent discomfort related to lactation. They can be prevented by latching the baby in a correct way and they are treated by keeping the nipples very clean and by applying, after the baby has breastfed, a small quantity of breastmilk.

Engorged breast represents another problem related to milkflow: the milk is not able to come out because the baby sucks very little (because she is weak or because she does not have enough appetite), therefore the breast gets swollen, congested and the mother could even get a fever. Engorged breast could turn into mastitis, an infection which is treated with antibiotics. To avoid that this takes place, it is recommended, even in this case, to frequently latch the baby, apply warm and moist compresses and eventually express the excessive milk through a simple pressure or with a breast pump.

He is a few months old, however he is not a newborn anymore. Now that he is able to pick things up, that he can sit on the high chair, that he can crawl around the house, the child is ready to go and discover the big world that surrounds him. And the world is also made of baby food to throw on the floor, electric sockets to "inspect", plants to taste. In front of similar behaviours, many parents face a substantial doubt: is it possible to scold such a small child?

First of all we need to keep in mind that a child at this age is not aware at all of the consequences of his actions, he does not know limits or dangers. Furthermore he is not able to understand the meaning of being scolded by a parent and he does not know how to immediately connect the alarmed reaction to his action. The child only understands the adults' gloomy expression, he feels their anger and altered tones, but he perceives their behaviour as a denial of love towards him. All this could affect him because it creates a deep discomfort and makes him feel abandoned. For sure it can happen to lose patience if the child, pulling the table cloth, has broken into pieces the most beautiful vase, with the risk of getting hurt. And it is understandable that a parent would scream at him in this case. But generally it is important not to raise the voice and not to scold the child in a way which is too strict.

At this age, educating a child and teaching him not to commit any dangerous actions or simply actions that are not polite is substantially based on simple and coherent messages. It is necessary to keep the child from doing certain things. How do we do that? It is not difficult: it is sufficient to modify our facial expression and take away, gently but firmly, the child's hand from what he is doing. If, for example, he is getting closer to an electric outlet, we have to go near him and, with a serious face, shaking our head, we have to say "no" calmly but firmly, which will not be allowed to be contested in the future. If the child starts doing the same thing again, we have to repeat the same action until he understands and, if this does not happen, it could be useful to prevent his access to the forbidden object in order for him to understand that he should not touch that. The same applies also to other initiatives that the child takes: throwing his food on himself (on purpose, naturally), put objects in his mouth, try to pick up the knife that mom is using for the roast. When, on the contrary, the child shows that he has understood that "a certain thing cannot be done" and he dedicates himself to something else, it is proper to reward him with a nice smile and a kiss.

It is important not to exaggerate with prohibitions. If we say "no" too many times, the child does not have "room" to make new experiences and to grow. Keeping in mind that the most dangerous objects should be kept out of his reach, prohibitions should be limited and made clear with coherence and firmness. Only this way the child will be able to form in his mind a sort of "map" of what cannot be done. Keeping at the same time the opportunity to go and conquer his essential and necessary autonomy.

From the moment the child turns one until he turns three, it is difficult if not painful for a kid to detach himself from his mother. Even because, as months go by, the opportunities of separation become more numerous: mom goes back to work, the child starts kindergarten, parents try to find some time in order to cultivate their relationship or, on the contrary, they are busy with the needs of another child. During this phase, detachment becomes more difficult even because the child is now more aware. If when he was a few months old, a toy was enough to distract him, from 12 months of age, he lives the removal from his mother more deeply, even though he still does not have full awareness of time and therefore of the temporariness of the separation. And that is why it is important to continue managing with caution the moment of separation.

First of all, the mother should be calm, should have confidence in her partner, in the child's grandparents, in the babysitter or whoever takes care of her child. If she is undecided or scared, leaving without being followed by cries and tantrums becomes really impossible because the child perceives the situation and he takes advantage of his mother's insecurity. If therefore, we are not sure about our decision, it is better to find an alternative solution, by changing babysitter or postponing, if possible, going back to work. A smiling and peaceful mother is the first step towards the child's independence, since he experiences his mother's tranquillity.

The moment when we leave is essential: it is ideal to cuddle with the child for a minute or two, telling him all the fun things he will be able to do on that day. The mother has to welcome with love the person whom she entrusts her baby to, whether it is the babysitter, the grandmother or an educator. The positive relationship with that person induces the child to feel more at ease. At this point a kiss is all is needed before leaving. A never-ending parting, made of sad expressions and constant hugs, will only extend the moment of separation and deceive the child, who might think that mom will not leave. Even leaving and then coming back is wrong, because it fools the child who had by now resigned himself to the fact that mom had left, had already stopped crying and had started playing. Seeing his mother again makes him think that he has the power to make mom change her mind, makes him very happy and then leaves him again sad because of the inevitable separation.

On the other hand, it is also wrong to leave secretly, by quietly going out of the door when the child is distracted: when he realizes it –because he does- besides being sad, he will feel betrayed and really abandoned. And then his weeping will understandably be inconsolable. Even telling small lies is not helpful: telling the child that we will leave for a couple of minutes to buy bread and that we will be back means to cheat him, preventing him to become aware of the separation from his mother and to manage his feelings of nostalgia, getting rid of them and focusing on playing or on taking a walk. It is better to help him to be aware. Telling the child clearly that mom has to leave to go to work but that he will be with a person that loves him, explaining him that when we come back it will be possible to play all together, it means helping the child to face reality and to spend his waiting time positively. This is based on an assumption that we should not forget: the promise of playing with him, once we get home, has to be kept.

The début of the small spectator

Which adult does not love movie theatres? Two hours in the dark, on a comfortable chair, offer a real break made of relaxation and amusement. For this reason, many parents cannot wait for the time when their child is a bit older to share with him the pleasure of the big screen. This is a legitimate desire, however parents have to consider some elements of difficulty. For a small child, as a matter of fact, the first time he goes to the movie theatre could be a moment of great emotion, not always positive, above all if it is not experienced with caution. The dark, enormous images, the loud volume could be worrying and frightening. This also applies to the theatre, where the representation of scenes – perhaps a bit lively - with real people, could make a child think that those are real events and not a fictitious representation. This situation could provoke powerful emotions, which could sometimes be negative, that could induce the child to reject a similiar experience in the future. In order to allow your child to enjoy cinema and theatre it is important, therefore, to follow a few small precautions.

Cinema and theatre have to be introduced in a child's life at the right time, which is usually when the child is three years old. First of all a child is not yet ready to follow a long story and there is the risk that he would get tired, forcing the parents to leave the theatre after a few minutes. Furthermore, it is proper to prepare the child to what he will be watching: it can be explained to him that he will go in a very big and dark room, where there is some kind of huge television which broadcasts beautiful sceneries or images of people that play at representing funny characters. It is important that the child understands that even cinema and theatre are, like TV, fictitious events, even if you cannot change channel, turn off the show or leave the room like it can happen at home. This will help him to maintain the right psychological distance from events which are absorbing. Even the moment is important: it is better to avoid to go in the evening, when the child is tired and therefore nervous, and to prefer to go to an afternoon's show, after the child's nap. At the end of the show, a nice walk in the park or an hour of playing outdoor – if the weather allows it - will help him to release the emotions that he accumulated.

Picking the right show to watch is also essential. In almost every city there are theatrical companies which put children's shows on stage. For what concerns movies, picking an animated movie is generally safer: the music, the colours and the talking characters are very appreciated by children. It is important that there are not any scarry scenes or scenes displaying cruelty, which could frighten a child. In order to be sure that even the type of cartoon is proper – many of those that came out in the last few years seem to be more fitted for adults than children – it could be useful to first buy a book or a sticker album dedicated to the movie: the parents can find out the plot and content, the child comes prepared to an appointment which he can live as a familiar experience.

Furthermore, it can be possible to organize going to the cinema or the theatre with some other child, a friend or a nursery schoolmate. Children like to share new emotions with their peers and also the presence of other children is reassuring for them Sit them close to each other so that they can make their comments on the film or the show, seated on comfortable cushions for an optimal vision and with something good to munch on in their hands, all this will contribute to make this event really unforgettable.

The fashion of fashionable children

At four years of age they ask for running shoes displaying their favourite superhero. At five years of age, they want the "car racer" red suit like the one of their best friend. At the beginning of school, they personally choose the trendiest backpack in the store. Children have never followed fashion trends as much as they do nowadays. They are vain, they know how to pick the trends, in a sort of unconscious competition to be the first to buy the desired object, whether it is a popular toy or a pair or jeans. The generation of their sixty year old grandparents, who used to be dressed with custom-made clothes made unique and original by a tailor, seem very far away.

Whose fault is it? Blaming advertisement is a bit too easy. However it is without a doubt that in those harmless commercials of snacks, running shoes and sunglasses the subliminal message is clear: "If you do not make those choices, you are not cool and you do not belong to the group of beautiful and winning individuals". A sort of hypnosis which affects anybody but above all youngsters. During this period of time, from the first years of elementary school until high school, the necessity to blend with the group, to belong to it, even risking to appear without personality and individuality, is a very strong drive. Parents' pockets end up paying for it, but be careful: it is not just a problem of expenses. It is also, or above all, a problem of education.

Mom and dad need to be aware of the need of identification of their child, but at the same time, they have to help him develop critical ability and his personal taste, in order to avoid the effects of a blind homologation. Scolding and prohibiting are counterproductive, because in general when a child insistently tries to obtain what "others" already have, he evidently shows his weakness, his need to be accepted by the group, his low self esteem. In those cases compromising is the right way: it is ok to buy that jacket that also the other kids have, but t-shirts and jeans do not need to have a brand name. Deciding once in a while to buy a brand name item is fine, especially if it is of good quality and therefore it explains the cost; in this case it is not morally harmful. However it is important to establish a limit, even through agreements and deals. It is also necessary to constantly work in order to strengthen self esteem in the child and to transmit a message which is in contrast with that of advertisement: "You are cool when you are yourself, not when you surround yourself with certain objects".

However, in order for this statement to be believed, it has to be strengthened and confirmed through personal example. That, in this case, like in many other instances, works better than constant preaching. And therefore, before contesting your child's desire for brand name merchandise, it is proper to carefully examine your behaviour. Sometimes we adults even end up believing that the things that we own and the shoes and clothes we wear are able to tell others what we are and to be accepted. And sometimes we end up even projecting this need to be accepted on our children, trying to show, with our purchases, that we are ready to get the best for our kids. However our children do not need adults that are willing to buy clothes, shoes and toys. They need adults that are able to give the right value to comparison, personality and differences. They need the tools to be able to defend themselves from the negative effects of the illusion created by advertisement who wants us to be all the same and all happy for the same things.