The Newsletter, October 2007

The "dream" of choosing the sex

Being able to decide to give birth to a little boy or a little girl has always been the desire of many couples. Since the beginning of time, the birth of a child was surrounded by legends and rumors that tried, if not to predetermine, at least to guess what sex the new born child would be. There is really no natural method that is scientifically certain that can grant mummy and daddy's desire to establish their child's sex. This is determined by a particular genetic mechanism that is just a chance. Though there are a series of "hypothesis" according to which it is possible to influence, in a natural way, the child's sex at conception and so to try to point luck in the right direction.

First of all let's try to understand how nature "plays" in the determination of the sex. As we know mommy and daddy's genetic patrimony, made up of 46 chromosomes, are differentiated by a couple of sexual chromosomes: in the woman it is made of two female chromosomes called XX, while in the man, besides the chromosome X, there is also the male chromosome Y. If, during conception, the egg, carrier of the X chromosome, is fertilized by a spermatozoon with the same type of chromosome it will create the same sexual couple XX and a little girl will be born. If the egg is fertilized by a spermatozoon that is carrier of the Y chromosome, it will make the sexual couple XY and it will be a little boy. The child's sex depends on the father, or better, by which of the two chromosomes X or Y gets to the egg first to fertilize. According to some researches it seems that the Y "male" chromosomes are quicker, though not very resistant, while the "female" X type are lazier and tend to live longer. On the base of these characteristics some hypothesis have been elaborated, today the most credited, according to which it is possible to establish the child's sex by influencing the "finishing line" of the spermatozoon Y instead of the X one and vice versa. Let's see how.

Having sexual intercourses close to each other and that coincide with ovulation would favor the birth of a little boy. In this phase, in fact, the "sprinters" Y find no obstacles and a mature egg; while, if one has sex less frequently and far from the ovulation period the possibility of having a little girl increases, because the X spermatozoon, that are more long-lived, are calm, waiting for the egg to mature. Even the positions during coitus seem to prefer a chromosome instead of another. A position that has deep penetration helps the ascent of the weak Y spermatozoon and, so, the birth of a boy; a softer penetration, on the other hand, to favor the birth of a girl.

Another conditioning element is the composition of the cervix mucus: the Y chromosomes, that are weaker, are favored by a more alkaline environment, the X ones, on the other hand, survive even in a more acidy environment. On the base of this hypothesis two ad hoc diets are suggested, and they must begin at least thirty days before conception, capable of influencing on the composition of the cervix mucus. Those who want a boy must follow a diet made most of all of food with high contents of sodium, potassium, phosphorus and zinc like rice, tuna, carrots, spinach, oranges and melons. Those who are hoping to have a girl must rely on foods that contain calcium, magnesium and copper like milk, cheese, barley, beans, cauliflower, mushrooms and apricots.

Even astrology has a say so on the sex of the newborns. According to the stars there is more possibility of conceiving a girl when the moon is in the even signs of the zodiac, vice versa if the conception occurs during the other signs. Leaving the Zodiac apart, one can simply follow our grandfathers' method and rely on the rising moon for girls and the waning moon for boys.

The results of these methods are quite uncertain and there is no guarantee of success. There are a series of variables that play part in it, like being able to predict the ovulation phase with precision, that, even in the most regular cycles, can vary. Besides, stress, smog, the lifestyle of a person, can influence in a negative way on the determination of the child's sex. Even the moon sometimes deceives. When a child is desired it is important to be guided by love and be ready to accept what destiny has prepared for us with joy.

The senses are the instruments of a newborn's instinctive knowledge. As soon as he is born his sensory abilities are already active, even if they then improve in time. A child's development proceeds by milestones. Nature makes its course, though one must second and support it. The child needs to be guided and stimulated. With patience and attention we can teach our child to appreciate and develop his five senses and teach him to love the world that surrounds him in all of its shades.

Sight – As soon as he is born the child's sight is developed, though it is not yet perfect. His sight is still blurred, but after the first two weeks he learns to elaborate images and is able to focus objects placed 20-25 cm away: the distance that there is between him and his mummy's face during breastfeeding. Between the 2nd and 3rd month his visual field extends and he begins to perceive the difference among the most lively colours. He will be particularly attracted by red, yellow and light blue. Remember this when choosing the colours of his toys. In this phase he begins to observe, even if he gets tired easily, and he is able to recognize his mummy and daddy's faces. After the 4th month, his focus is more detailed, if you stimulate him with some objects in movement, he will follow them with curiosity. But you will have to wait until he turns six years old before he reaches the ability of seeing perfectly.

Hearing – Before birth, the child nourishes himself with the sounds of his mother's body. Ears develop, in fact, towards the 24th week of pregnancy. For this reason, the newborn prefers familiar sounds that remind him of when he was in his mummy's belly. His mother's voice is the first sound he learns to recognize, and it is the one that more than any of the others will guide him in his language development. For this reason, from the first days of life, it is important to speak to him by telling him that it is nap time, that mummy loves him and so on. The response to sound stimulus occurs by reflex: the child reacts by crying, jolting or moving his eyelids. From the 3rd month on his hearing is refined, he begins to even grasp the source of the sound and he turns his head to follow its direction. But this behaviour will improve only after the 6th month.

Sense of smell – Smells are the primordial language and the newborn perceives them indistinctly from birth. At the beginning the baby noses himself around following his mummy's smell just like a "kitten". Slowly the child will begin to experience different smells. When there is a new smell he shows interest by turning his head towards the stimulus modifying some vital parameter like his heartbeat frequency and breathing proving to have feelings of pleasure or disgust. His perception must not be hindered by covering the smells and environment with perfumes and deodorants.

Taste – His taste buds begin to work at the 6th month of pregnancy. Inside his mother's belly he begins to experience the tastes of his mother's food through amniotic fluid. From the first day of life he is able to distinguish different tastes, but babies prefer the sweet one, like his mummy's milk. When weaning him it is important to gradually add new tastes in the child's diet. His taste will refine and change often during the first year of life, sometimes creating problems with the different tastes that will be offered to him.

Touch – The sense of touch is activated already during pregnancy. Having been wrapped in placenta for 9 months the newborn loves physical contact, especially with his mother's skin, besides cuddling that takes him back into foetal position and calm him down. His face is the area that has most receptors, because by rubbing his cheek on his mommy's breasts the child will find his food. At 2 months the palm of his hand and feet are already sensitive to tickling, if we rub these areas, in fact, the child will smile. Children learn about things by touching them, so let him experiment putting him close to daddy's face or playing the different consistency game so that his touch develops in a harmonic way.

It is not rare to run into the image of a child with his thumb in his mouth against the blurred light of an ultrasound. Sucking a thumb is a habit that begins during pregnancy, dictated by a physiological need to exercise sucking for nourishment, though repeated in the desire of replicating a situation of pleasure and physical well-being. The memory of that pleasure “survives” at birth and so it is normal that the child, who has just conquered the necessary motor coordination, goes back to sucking his thumb.

For a child between three and five months, his mouth is the main instrument of exploration and so sucking his thumb is part of the discovery and getting to know his body and world. Besides, this gesture reminds him of his sucking his mommy’s breast and the pleasant sensations that the child is feeling in that moment. It is not a coincidence that the child sucks his thumb above all in situations in which he is nervous or can feel a sense of abandonment and separation from the reference person in his life, like moments before napping or, in any case, in all of those situations in which he is submitted to some kind of stress. It is one of those gestures of self-consolation that will articulate his growth process in a wider way.

This habit is natural and in some part even necessary, and it tends to go away spontaneously around three years of age. Often parents take up a real battle against thumbs in their children’s mouths, for fear that they must be taken with caution, but that are not completely without foundation, especially when the habit continues in time. Thumb sucking can create some problems in the regular and healthy growth of a child’s teeth, and for the conformation of jaws and palates. Also, slowly when the child acquires more independence, it is more probable that his hands will not be that clean; plus, continuous thumb sucking can bring a maceration of skin and the possibility of getting an infection on his thumb.

So what to do? can try to softly substitute his thumb with a pacifier, that is more advisable for the anatomic conformation of the mouth and that, not like his thumb, it is not – and this must be said – always at hands reach. In any case, more than looking for substitutes, one should gradually dissuade the child from this habit. You can try to offer the child some relaxing and gratifying alternatives: a walk with mummy and daddy, a lullaby, a good dose of cuddles before going to bed. One can also try to divert his attention towards activities that keep his hands busy, awarding him with manifestations of love every time he makes a small progress in leaving this habit behind. Basically, if that thumb in his mouth is a return to belly paradise, it could be that a warm hug is a good substitute.

"Why do I see my mommy holding another baby?". The first time that you put him in front of a mirror, maybe it seemed to you that his lost look was asking you this question. And maybe you answered by letting him touch the mirror and then your face, so that the child could perceive the difference. It is often the beginning of a complex and deep game that is directly connected with the development of one's identity.

In a child, the discovery of himself and his body also go through, in fact, the discovery and the "understanding" of mirrors. In the very first months the process of growth has as a reference only his mother. The child imitates his mommy, he feels reassured by her smile, her look. She is his mirror. Only around seven-eight months the mirror begins to attract children, also because he has developed sight and the perception of deepness. For many children of this age the small reflex is a potential play mate, a curious imitator or a scary stranger because he is not reachable and he doesn't have the "possibility" of physical contact. Slowly things change though, particularly between 12 and 36 months: your child, even thanks to mirrors, will acquire more and more awareness of himself and his body and it is important that you are always capable of helping him understand what he sees through a series of small details, actions and games to play in front of the mirror.

Between 12 and 24 months it is probable that the child still doesn't recognize himself, but the mirror game can help consolidate some of the concepts that he already knows, like the permanence of an object – or rather the fact that even things that he sees and then doesn't see exist anyway – the possibility to intervene on the reality and on the reversibility of situations. Even if he doesn't recognize himself yet in a reflected image in a portion of a mirror, he will still have fun misting up the glass, making faces, disappearing and then reappearing in the reflecting surface, looking inside to see if there is someone there. In this phase one can help the process of the child's awareness: parents can show what they are doing with simple words when they are dressing him in front of the mirror; he can be asked playing around "who is this baby?" pointing at his reflected image, so to gradually take him towards self perception.

Nevertheless it is only between 24 and 36 months that the child becomes completely aware of himself and he recognizes himself with no doubts even in front of the mirror. At this point, mirrors are not only toys anymore, they become an instrument with which the child measures himself to acquire his own body scheme, to understand exactly how he is made, to improve his abilities and to have a visual and direct restitution of the grand progresses that he is making.

When school is a "secret"

"What did you do at school?" "Nothing". It probably happened to you, like it happened and happens everyday to hundreds of other parents. You try to find out from your child what he did at school, if he played, if he drew, if he ate and how does he react? With indifference, almost annoyed. Or maybe he is happy, he's okay, when we go and get him he says good-bye to his teacher and friends. So why is he not so sociable with mummy and daddy?

No fear, experts say: the child is now three or four years old and he is not a baby anymore. He is growing up, he leaves the walls of his domestic "territory", where he has always been with mommy, grandma or the babysitter. His contacts, that are so limited, are amplified more and more. Getting to know his teachers, other kids, beginning to go to his first birthday parties. His experiences, that were at first centred on a fantastic world made of games that are often solitary ones and with imaginary friends, become concrete. And they begin to mould his personality. The child feels a strong need to take in this new reality, that attracts him, gratifies him and it puts him to the test everyday. And he does so in a way that sometimes does not make his parents happy: not talking about it. Mommy and daddy are hurt, they think they there is some kind of problem if he doesn't talk about school and friends. Or, at least, they believe that the child is bored and so h e doesn't want to talk about it. He, with his silence, communicates a very precise message: "I am big, this territory is mine and I do not want to be controlled". This is why he cuts his parents out. It is useless, but above all wrong, to scold him or make him talk, if he doesn't want to, maybe by comparing him to more talkative children. It is also wrong to second him, not asking him anything: parents should have an open and daily dialogue with their children.

In cases like this, the example is the most efficient system to give the child confidence and to push him to tell about his day. When leaving school it is useless to fill him with questions, it might be enough just to simply say: "Did you have fun?". The same scene can happen at home, when daddy or his older brother get back. A simple question like "How was your day?" must become familiar and common. The best moment for sharing daily experiences is certainly at dinnertime, with the TV rigorously off. It is up to parents, before anyone else, to begin telling about their day: their example will help the child to open up more than a thousand words. The child will learn, by listening, to get into a more mature communication relationship, through which they can share what they have experienced. Only by participating in a relaxed conversation, far from the nosiness of a questioning, the child will feel valued, he will win over his reserve and he will consider it a pleasure to participate as a "grownup" to the conversations of grownups. That's really all that the little man wants.

Towards separation with no dramas

Mommy and daddy are getting a divorce. If the child already understands, as happens after the age of six, he realizes that many deep changes are occurring in his life. Not always, though, separation is negative for a child: recent researches show that, if the cohabitation between the parents is a conflict and marked by fights and continuous clashes, the child feels the effects positively from the separation.

Once it has been decided to get separated mummy and daddy must put their personal rancour aside, prove to be mature and balanced people and first of all think of the child that they gave birth to and his well-being. A child, in fact, often tends to blame himself for what is happening in his family thinking: "If mummy and daddy are angry it's because I'm bad". It is fundamental to embank this belief, that could have destabilizing results on the peaceful growth of the child. The two partners must always keep in mind that a child needs both parents, because each one of them is irreplaceable: mummy with her unconditional love, her cuddles and fairytales before bedtime, daddy with his authoritativeness, the ability of making him feel protected and the rough and typically male love.

It is wrong to believe that the child can live without one of the two: only with collaboration one can raise a child well even after a separation. So it is important to avoid speaking badly about the ex-partner when he is absent – a mistake that makes the child suffer very much – and prove to be even more in agreement between them. Was he good? The right sentence to say is: "daddy and I are proud of you". Did he ask for a present? Even in the case you need to be united: "I will speak with mummy and I will decide with her".

It is prohibited to try and buy his affection, showing him to be more yielding or less severe. A behaviour like this only puts the child into more confusion, deprived of the safety that only rules can give.

Besides, the separation must be gradual. The father (or mother) must not pack his suitcases and leave all of a sudden, he can go for a few days at the beginning "because mummy and daddy must try to stay apart for a while". It is useless to sweeten the pill, making him think that the parent is on a trip. It is best to explain how things really are going: it will be easier for him to accept, he will realize that his parents speak about it peacefully. Then it is best to show the positive aspects of the separation, highlighting how mummy and daddy will be more peaceful with him if they are far away from each other. Besides, if it is true that it is important to stay by him with lots of love, it is wrong to give him everything, or fill him with gifts. It may help dim mummy and daddy's sense of guilt, but it doesn't help the child adapt himself to a situation that must soon become normal for him.

Last advice: it is best to create, even in daddy's new house (or mummy's) an environment that is more similar as possible to the one in his room, beginning from the direction of his bed in the room, to the softness of his pillow and mattress. This has an enormous incidence on the child's peacefulness, because the moment in which he falls asleep coincides with the deepest abandonment and the lack of defence. If he lets go peacefully in a new environment, the child will wake up more peacefully in the morning, ready to face the small and large difficulties in life with more energy and optimism.