the 2nd newsletter, Feb 2006
When the pregnancy starts to show
A healthy child. This the natural and common hope for every woman during pregnancy. An expectation that is rarely not met, but that, nevertheless, can be at the origin of anxieties and fears for so many future mothers. Especially at the beginning of the fourth month, when the tummy starts to show and the feeling of maternity becomes a bodily fact. As so often happens, the awareness of such a great responsibility brings a thousand doubts and a thousand fears. Understandable worries that are usually placated during visits to the doctor. Routine check-ups, which are capable, nevertheless, of checking the state of health of the baby and liberating the mother from groundless fears, giving her the chance to live the positive and unique side of an incomparable experience with more serenity.
The best period of pregnancy. This is what some women, free from the weight of their fears, think of pregnancy from the fourth month onwards. There are a number of reasons for so much enthusiasm. First of all, with the end of the first quarter, the most critical period of the pregnancy comes to an end, where the risk of abortion is greater and where the improper use of medicines or the eventuality of illnesses can endanger the foetus. In this period, furthermore, the organism has now adapted to the presence of the foetus and all the changes which are related to its growth. Slight disturbances such as nausea and tiredness, so characteristic of the first few months, usually disappear and the future mother now enjoys a sense of general well-being and improved psycho-physical equilibrium. The pregnancy exists, but now practically only the positive sides are perceived.
It is during the fourth month, for instance, that the baby starts to warn his mother of his presence. Initially they are light movements, a kind of “flutter”, which can be mistaken for normal bowel movements. But as the days pass, the baby's movements become increasingly stronger and regular. Inside the tummy, in fact, the foetus is now capable of making more complex movements, he can grab the umbilical cord, he can suck his fingers, even make different expressions with his face. The respiratory reflex is also more stabile so is the digestive apparatus and excretion system that the child experiments by swallowing amniotic liquid and eliminating it through the bladder. Feeling that the baby actually exists, that he is growing inside us is an enormous joy, it means experiencing an emotion that is capable of dispersing all anxieties and worries.
The certainty that everything is going well is then confirmed, in this phase of the pregnancy, by an important medical check-up, the second scan, called a “morphological” scan.
The baby's organs (heart, brain, stomach, bladder and diaphragm) are now sufficiently developed to be examined and evaluated. The medical side is certainly important, but no less than the psychological aspect. It is with this scan that mothers and fathers have the chance “to see” their baby for the first time. It is a blurred image, usually a little more than a bright shadow, but the physician that performs the scan is capable of indicating the baby's profile, his hands and his feet, and to capture the heart beat. The memory of that grey screen that, all of a sudden, is illuminated with life, will accompany you until you give birth. When you are able to superimpose the actual image of such a desired baby with that which you kept in your mind.
The happy life of a newborn baby
The life of a newborn baby is wonderful. 16 of his 24 hours are dedicated to sleeping and the rest dedicated to eating and... and filling his nappy! Sleep and food articulate his twenty-four hours without a great difference between day and night, especially during the first 30 days, when the alternation of sleeping and being awake is exclusively regulated by a rhythm which is innate in the baby. A baby needs very little to be happy: the satisfaction of his primary needs and, naturally, the wonderful embrace of his mother and father and all the reassurance he needs to grow.
It is understandable nevertheless if new mothers spend the first weeks asking themselves how to recognize the needs of their child: “How do I know if he is truly well? How can I understand if he is getting everything he needs, if I am fulfilling his needs correctly?” The idea of having in your arms a human being who is apparently unable to express himself can be daunting. For a mother who is already full of doubts, the smallest change in the face or the body of her baby is enough for her to imagine a sign of trouble or a desire which has not been satisfied. “Has he eaten enough? Has he slept too much? Or perhaps too little?”. As the weeks go by these uncertainties are destined to disappear. Time gives an awareness to mothers that is an integral part of the maternal instinct that is so difficult to define.
You will soon discover that the life of a newborn baby is modulated by a natural rhythm that confirms his good state of health and participates in the realisation of his well-being: eating, sleeping, filling his nappy. Once he has overcome the stress of his birth, a healthy child regulates his own life on the basis of simple primary needs which mother nature has given him with all the necessary “abilities” to satisfy: when approached to his mother's breast the baby for example, already a few minutes after birth, shows he is capable of “ recognising” his primary source of maintenance and he has the strength “to take it” with greed and promptness. And, after a wonderful feed, it is his biological “clock” that pushes the baby towards the necessity to fall into a deeply refreshing sleep.
A satisfied newborn baby is a newborn baby that follows his innate rhythms of life in a linear manner without sudden changes. It doesn't matter if his demands are not uniform, in terms of times and performance, with those of other newborn babies. The important point is that they remain constant. A mother cannot do much and she doesn't have to do much. She simply has to satisfy the baby's needs leaving him to do the rest himself. Her smile, her love, her devotion, are enough to allow the child to associate the satisfaction of his desires with an essential psychological well-being. A peaceful feed, a wonderful sleep. A feed in his mother's arms. A sleep after listening to a lullaby sung to him by his mother. This is the only what is needed for the well-being of a baby. The calm voice of his mother is his entire world. Her reassuring embrace will be now and forever his serenity.
Living their growth in the present
When will the first smile come? When will he start to talk? When will he start to crawl or to walk? The hard work during the first few months is often accompanied by the questions on the future accomplishments of our child. They are common questions, that reveal a comprehensible desire for interaction, that a newborn baby cannot satisfy. They are questions that mothers ask, and above all fathers who don't live the intimate experience of nursing and who, in some cases, find it difficult to tune in with the role of paternity.
The first months with a child implicates making sacrifices. Time is modulated by feed times, sleepless nights and walks and it is often tiring and boring. There is also the uncertainty with which one faces the small and more important problems of caring for such a small baby. The euphoria of the first weeks passes, at times, and leaves room for doubts, fears and the anxiety of seeing your baby grow more quickly. There is nothing to be surprised about: the sacrifice without evident returns of the first few months appear less imposing if lived as a means of achieving an important future accomplishment.
What is most important is not to allow yourself to be crushed by the desire for the future to the extent where you miss out on the little and great joys of the present. It is a good idea, therefore, to sometimes take a moment to remember and to ponder. To consider the changes, to appraise their value, to individualise the potentials that the child is already capable of showing. The parents that succeed in doing this, learn to truly enjoy their children as they grow up.
A growth, that after the first five months, can take you by surprise and fill you with emotion.
In just a few weeks, a second compared to a lifespan, a child faces a series of extraordinary phases in his development path. His smiles become intentional and communicative, his stammering extends more and more to making a word, his achievement to sit upright allows him to open his eyes on the world that surrounds him, crawling gives him his first experience of autonomy, weaning opens his horizons to the socialising experience of nutrition.
In this phase parents can do a lot to stimulate the child's growth and to build, with him, the foundation of a relationship based on participation, trust and complicity. In a mutual exchange of affection and emotions.
Children need the presence of their mother and father, just as mothers and fathers need their smiles, their accomplishments, their games. A positive interaction that becomes a confirmation, conscious and unconscious, of a rewarding commitment: the sacrifices made are now bringing results, the baby is growing happily, the possible doubts on parental skills are shunned by the results. Take some time to discover all of this: by living the present, without the anxiety of the future.
Nightmares and...the big bed
Never say never. If when faced with the “bad habit”, seen in nephews, nieces or your friends' children of falling asleep in their parents' bed, you promised yourself you would never fall into that trap, the moment could come, even for you... “to accept defeat”. There are many children, in fact, who live the experience of nightmares. Therefore, all it takes is a few nights when the child doesn't want to go back to his own bedroom “full of monsters”, in the “dangerous” dark and loneliness, to see all your certainties on the sacredness of the big bed disappear. To give in is not a disaster, but neither is it a solution. Sharing the big bed has to remain for you and for him an exceptional event.
The habit of bartering his nightmares and your necessity to sleep by allowing him in the big bed can, in the long run, turn out to be a mistake, the consequences of which, projected in a future that we consider we can handle and change, often get out of hand during the first few years. This doe not mean you have to ignore your child's fears.
Night time is the temporal place in which, inevitably, the imagination of children runs wild. Monsters go hand in hand with the dark, and appear threatening and mysterious. It is easy therefore for the night to be populated by imaginary and dangerous characters, that, for the most part, are nothing more than something the child experienced during the day which left an impression on him. Anything can happen in the dark when they cannot see, as it is impossible to distinguish the shapes. A shadow or a creak can be the heralding of some terrible premonition. This is why children catalyse and concentrate all their fears in these nightmares and in the dark: the fear of being attacked, the fear of not being able to defend themselves. The fear, above all, of being abandoned by their parents in their moment of need.
But parents never abandon their children. And it is this awareness that a child has to understand. Intolerance should leave room for understanding, but the understanding should then leave room for rules: it is a phase to be dealt with gradually. Mummy and daddy's big bed can also become a solution in cases of emergency, but it has to remain that way. It is important that the child understands that it is an “exception to the rule”, not an acquired right. To surrender to his whims every night, and always appearing complaisant when faced with his desire “to share” his night's sleep, is not quite the right direction to take: there is a greater risk that children who are used to sleeping in the big bed may grow up more insecure, afraid, incapable of remaining on their own.
It is therefore extremely important to often reassure the child, not just with words, but also with affectionate gestures. The child has to have the certainty that his mother and father have not abandoned him, he has to understand that they are in the next room ready to intervene when necessary. Explain to him with simple words that there is nothing to be afraid of, without, nevertheless, making him feel guilty for his state of anguish. If the child is afraid, it is necessary, above all, to accept and also share his fears even when they appear unreasonable. You can also learn to exorcize and to re-dimension his fears by “humanising” his nightmares, finding together with the child a “magic spell” which he can use when his fears become difficult to handle: a “good” character that protects him from the monsters, a monster that is not so bad...
The choice is personal and makes no difference.
The main point is to create the basis in order to reach the most important result: that the child stays in his own room. The first nights you can allow him to stay with you for a couple of hours, but warn him that the day after he will have to go back to his own bed. You can subsequently go to console him every now and then, staying with him until he goes back to sleep. Without forgetting that, in order for his dreams to be “sweet-dreams”, it is also necessary to prepare the ground: try to make sure that during the day his emotions are as positive as possible; limit and, above all, check the television programmes he watches before supper, or before he goes to bed; keep him company at the end of the day; read him a funny and happy story.
Before scolding a child
There are occasions when they will not stop whingeing. And there are occasions when you are tired, worn-out and simply not in the mood to start having a discussion with your child. These conditions all add up and are enough to cause you to throw all of your good intentions of being receptive and understanding out of the window. There are occasions, when you lose your patience. In the relationship between parents and children this is something which also has to be dealt with. It is human, common and in many cases even understandable. To admit it is the first step when looking for a strategy that helps you find a constructive and calculated educational method.
When faced with a whingeing child, who has been up to another one of his tricks, it is a good idea to ask oneself some quick preventive questions. Is what has happened or is happening really serious or is my tiredness, my nervousness putting the problem out of perspective? Were the indications I gave him which he did not follow, clear and understandable? Is what I am asking and the reason I am losing my patience so important? Often these three questions are enough for you to take a “breather” and break the tension that, otherwise, risks becoming a reproach which is too violent, even if it is only oral.
There is nothing worse than a reaction dictated by anger or by exasperation. Shouting, even when this appears to be the only way to get the desired attention, simply has the consequence of “intimidating” a child, certainly not that of “ motivating him” to respecting the rules. And, an intimidated child, is a child that “grows” with the fear and the conviction that to obtain, in turn, respect and consideration it is necessary “to shout” just as loud. A damaging rebound is certain: to reproach a child using “sharp tones” or, worse still combining the words pronounced in a “violent” way with insults and humiliations, risks instigating depression, lack of self-esteem and, last but not least, a violent and aggressive behavior towards others. Aggressive like that of his parents.
The objective of every scolding or every punishment has to be, on the contrary, that of making the child understand where he has gone wrong, what rule he has broken, what the alternatives were at his disposal, what the consequences of his behavior can be. And, for all this, a child simply needs words and reassurance. Certainly not humiliation and violence. He needs our steadfastness, our authoritativeness, our denial. Not our anger and our explosions of rage. What a child needs to understand is that authority is built on respect and on affection, never on fear. This doesn't mean hiding or denying our aggressiveness, but simply expressing it, filtering it with tenderness. To discover, together, that it is in love, in calmness and in objectivity that the reasoning and success of the value of an individual is sho wn. And that defeat hides in those who shout the loudest.
The right to be cuddled
There is a time that never ends in the life of an individual. A season that should never know the limit of age or the difference between males and females. It is the time of hugs, of cuddles, of caresses. Gestures of affection, which we adults need, but often “we dose out sparingly” to our older children. Usually small children, at least up to the preschool age, are smothered with cuddles, then, progressively and unconsciously, they start to lose this extraordinary source of warmth, security, and strength.
It happens in most families. And it is the result of a number of factors. Parents are often concentrating on the growth of their children, on their desire of autonomy, even frightened by their ability to answer back. To these parents their children often appear “grown up”, so “grown up” that they are nothing like the small “pups” so loving during the first years of life. The cuddles suddenly become, therefore, an element of the past, a way of communication that apparently no longer suits the “new age” of the children.
In other cases parents who, on the contrary, fight to accept this growth, end up taking action when faced with a refusal of a cuddle. This mainly happens when the “timing” for a hug or a kiss is wrong. Also for children, cuddles remain gestures which they relate to their first years of life. And once they grow up, they find it hard to accept them in public, in front of their friends, or their schoolmates. The risk is that of being labelled by the group as a “baby”, or a “mother's boy”. This is when they can refuse a hug. A refusal that can hit the parents hard, and sometimes offend then if they are not prepared.
Whether it is the parents who consider their children “grown up” or the children who want to be grown up, the risk is identical: a progressive abandonment of the physical contact between parents and children. Without realising it, this leads to the loss of the means of communication with one's children which is a great deal more incisive than words. Just think about the symbolic value of a hug: it is the utmost “welcoming gesture” that we can give a person we love. We open our arms to welcome someone “towards us”, to hold “towards us” the person to whom we want to show our affection, our support, our emotions. Only the magic of a hug knows how to bring together the hearts of two people who embrace. Can we truly imagine that our children, our sons and daughters can live without all this just because they are now “grown up?”.
Children, even when older, need our physical contact.
All types of different physical contact. They need the loving tenderness of a mother, and the reassuring strength of a father. They need hugs to console them, kisses to reward them, caresses that encourage them. They need emotions and feelings that words cannot express.
