newsletter Feb06

the 2nd newsletter, March 2007

A name forever

"Andrea, Andrea is nice and simple at the same time", "Nice, simple and...banal. Wouldn't something more "important" be better. Something like Ceasar? And if it is a little girl? Maria like my mother. I'm joking I want a fashionable name. Megane, that's it!, Megane is fine".

A conversation between expecting parents. Classical discussions on "name-lotteries" A conversation which can last for months before turning into an argument. With the risk of forgetting the one rule to remember: a name is forever.

For this reason, for example, it is a good idea to remember that your baby will be called "Bluey" when he is forty years old, when this type of name would be out of place for a full grown adult.

Pay attention also not to play with words: "Carlo Carlini" or "Guido Guidi" can seem funny now but could cause some embarrassment for the person later on. It is also not a good idea to use famous names. Considering the speed at which actors, singers and football players appear and disappear from the scene, their names could be without significance in the near future. If you really cannot avoid the temptation of using a foreign name, try to find one which is easy to write and pronounce and, above all, make sure it is registered correctly: A long series of Maicols and Gessicas fight a daily battle on how to write their names!

A different matter is the choice of a name tied to family tradition, to the love towards parents, the memory of grandparents. The feelings with which this tradition is lived should be at the basis of your choice. If it is lived as an obligation difficult to avoid, maybe it is time to acquire a more adult form of autonomy and start to claim your rights to choosing the name of your own child without being conditioned. If on the other hand at the basis of this choice there is a loving desire it will not be difficult to explain to your partner the profound reasons of your choice. As you must also be ready to accept the profound reasons of the other person.

The name of a child can not be the result of a conflict but a gesture of love.

If there is no conflict, but only indecisions all you have to do is to calmly let the possible names "compete" in a game. Start by making separate lists of the desired names for a maximum agreed number: ten each will be fine. Before starting the game explain the reasons to your partner – aesthetics, love, representation – according to which you chose your names. Another chance to cultivate conversation and sharing. The first move consists in mothers and fathers having the possibility to cancel from the list of the other a name that they cannot "bear". When the "teams" have been formed, you carry on by weekly eliminating from one's own list the name which you like the least. If one common name is not reached, at least you get down to the two most desired names. The final agreement should be put off until the first "meeting" with the heir. In the emotion of the post-birth renunciation is less difficult. Note: usually the mothers win.

Patient, understanding, full of enthusiasm. The arrival of a grandchild often fills with energy and joy the life of many grandparents, even those who are elderly and not so well. Thanks to their availability, grandparents can become irreplaceable play friends for children and an important reference point for the whole family. It is right and necessary to be able to count on their support without apprehension: the love of grandparents and their relationship with their grandchildren never represents a threat to the attachment that a child has for his mother and father. Provided that, however, grandparents and parents clarify from the beginning the limits of their educational intervention and their respective duties.

An anticipatory, open and serene discussion is certainly useful, but it is also very important to calibrate the roles and duties when you get home from the hospital.

Both the mother and father will need help, advice and support during this initial phase but the joy and the love of grandparents can turn an affectionate eagerness into tiring intrusiveness. After the birth of a child the couple needs time to settle down, it has to live the new dimension of being parents on its own, with all relative emotions, and even the uncertainties. It is often not easy to make grandparents understand that there is a limit to someone's presence, suggestions, and interventions. It is common, in fact, for a grandfather, or a grandmother, not to recognize their own son, or daughter, as someone who is now an adult and a parent. It is common that the affection leads to a lack of understanding of the need or desire of the couple to spend time and look after the baby on their own without having to listen to the pressing advice given by mothers and mothers-in-law.

These are common circumstances, as are the feelings that determine them. Facing this conflict, which is often unexpressed, with one's parents is without doubt the first step to take in order to re-establish a balanced and peaceful family atmosphere. The second step is to try to base the relationship with grandparents on the value of a "measured" availability. Helping them therefore to understand when the moment has come to withdraw their precious help, which has not been requested. Without any fear of offending them. Affection is never the only parameter to consider when it comes to deciding what is right for a child: what may seem to be right for a grandparent, may not always be the best thing for their children or their grandchildren. It is essential nevertheless that during this phase, every mother becomes more confident and, naturally, more deeply aware of her own role. And that fathers also offer all their support. Especially when it is their mother wh o is being intrusive. In these cases it is right for the father to intervene. It is up to him, in order to avoid direct conflicts that can upset the situation, to become a middle man for the needs of his wife, and accordingly, those of his child.

It is useful, therefore, to explain to grandparents that their role is the most simple and agreeable. A duty that is substitutive and conclusive as it is partial and measured with regards to the care and future education of a grandchild. At times it will maybe be too "measured": grandparents are renowned for spoiling children. But if they didn't, would they be grandparents? When infants and the elderly meet up, the years between them "disappear" in a mutual love that bind grandparents and grandchildren in a precious relationship, that must be encouraged, sustained and safeguarded from undue considerations. It is important therefore to avoid confusing intrusiveness with the fear of seeing the child giving affection to someone else. For your child his grandparents will always be, and only be, "his grandparents", whether they are your parents or your in-laws is a minor element that has to remain off scene. With all of the possible burden of misunderstandings o r disagreements.

Weeping, whims, continuous awakenings. This is the destiny of many parents who every evening promptly find themselves having to deal with a child who will not get off to sleep. And even when a lullaby is enough to send him into the arms of Morpheus, the risk that the quiet of the night will be abruptly interrupted is always just behind the corner. Is it possible that sleeping is so difficult to manage? Yes, it is possible and the reason is simple: as the months go by, sleep is not simply a physical necessity for the child. It is also the result of a complex passage that the child has to succeed in achieving: sleeping well and for a long time is, above all, a matter of habit.

The research over recent years reveals in fact that children who sleep less are those who have "less fixed habits" in their lives, those who have more flexible timetables and less fixed appointments. It is important, therefore to first accustom the child to going to bed at the same time every night and also to going to sleep alone in his own room. To allow him to go to sleep in your arms, or worse still, in your double bed, is wrong and dangerous: it will give him habits and routines that as months go by will be increasingly difficult to change. It is important to remember that children "assimilate" during the day a series of feelings and stimulations from the surrounding environment, which they then elaborate in their dreams and therefore when they sleep. This is why, if a child is too excited or emotional before going to bed, this may turn into nervousness, anxiety or fear, making it difficult for him to sleep.

In order for sleep to be good sleep it is therefore essential that parents learn to prepare for it correctly during the day and that the child is accompanied to sleep with a series of reassuring actions which are always the same. Invent a ritual which marks the end of playtime, take him for an evening bath, tell him a fairytale : these are just some of the more common and more effective solutions. Don't forget also that the room where the child one sleeps should be as quiet as possible, correctly aired and at a temperature of between 18 and 20 degrees. A night light that keeps his fear of the dark at bay is useful, and the presence of a cuddly toy can help to calm him if he wakes up in the middle of the night. But in the presence of nightmares or crying the only way to intervene is to console and to reassure the child with your presence until he drops back off to sleep. Try to avoid, nevertheless and where possible, picking him up in your arms or, worse still, taking him back to your own bed. At that stage it is obvious that a child will try and retry this tactic of crying to get the "results" he hopes for. Beware, this can be the start of a long history of awakenings and sleepless nights.

"A man dressed in white with a syringe in his hand". This is how, according to recent research, some children who were asked use their imagination and own ideas, described their doctor. And, on the other hand, it could not be otherwise. Try to see things from their point of view: this unknown and mysterious paediatrician storms into the life of a child pricking him to administer him with vaccinations. There is something to be afraid of, there is no doubt about it. It is best not to forget this, when you find yourself having to deal with his tears, his fear, his presumed "whims". If a child is afraid of the doctor, it is necessary, above all, to accept his fear. To then naturally try to make him understand that a paediatrician can indeed be a child's best friend when fighting viruses and bacteria, to relieve pain and to guarantee good health and...good moods.

A good relationship with the paediatrician starts from when they are small. Choosing a doctor who is amiable with the child and, naturally, proficient at his job, makes everything much simpler. It is clear nevertheless that sooner or later even the friendliest paediatrician will have to make some unpleasant tests on the child or some painful interventions, such as a vaccination. And this is when most problems begin, despite how "clever" the doctor is with the child. What can you do, then, to prevent the visits to the doctor from turning into a periodic nightmare for the child and, accordingly, for you? First of all avoid laughing at his fears: a child has to be able to find comfort and reassurance from the adults around him. Also avoid phrases such as "or take your medicine or I'll take you to the doctor for an injection": this would simply confirm to the child that the doctor is someone who inflicts punishment.

There is another element that intensifies the fears and should also be kept in mind: especially during examinations to the ears or to the throat the child must be held still otherwise it would be impossible for the physician to examine him. The feeling of not being able to move, or the sensation of the spoon in his mouth comprehensibly arouse a state of anxiety in the child. It is difficult in these cases trying to convince him. It is better if you try to distract him with a game. It is possible to ask the paediatrician if you can hold in your arms while he examines him: his mother's arms will reassure a child more than anything else.

It is useless to think that the paediatrician will be less frightening without his white coat: the fear stems exclusively from his gestures and the child will not be caught out for long as it is the same person performing the gestures: it makes no difference to the child if he is wearing the white coat or not.

In any case as in the case of all the other fears the child has, it is important that the family helps him to overcome the problem. It is for instance important that his mother and father do not live the experience of the doctor's appointments with anxiety and fear, but on the contrary they arrive calm and happy: tension shines through and doesn't escape the notice of children who can do nothing more than absorb the tension making it theirs. It is therefore opportune, if the child is old enough to understand, to describe the doctor as a real friend that you turn to "so he can tell us if our body is working properly". Naturally explaining that even if the doctor has to use medicine or give us an injection, this is only to "fix the parts which are not working right. Just as we do with toys". Of course this might not convince the child the first time. The journey could be longer than you expect. After all the fears of children are an aspect of growing up. And since a child can be helped to grow up, but not forced, it is necessary to respect his times and his character in order to overcome fear.

The first questions about sex

"How are children born?", "Why have I got a willy?", "And why doesn't Flavia have one?". You had imagined you would keep on responding to his childish and naïve curiosity with normal questions such as "why does it rain?". But you knew that this period of pardon would end one day: sooner or later the embarrassing questions would arrive. And, when they arrive, it is best not to be unprepared when faced with the need to provide suitable answers, to understand the requirements of a child, and to find, in any case, the right words "to say it".

Initially the questions that children ask most concern the world around them, the unknown aspects of the external universe. By formulating a question a child has the possibility to get an immediate answer and to eliminate just as quickly his numerous doubts. One question is followed by another, and then another, in an implacable and monotonous follow on of "why's". Nevertheless it is through this initial and enthralling "game" that the child realises, little by little, that, if the "truth" of adults is able to satisfy the simple desire of knowledge on the outside world, they are able, just as effectively, to open the most secret doors in life. This is when the questions stop being casual and the curiosity of the child begins to move towards himself and the facts that concern him more closely: "how are children born?", "Why doesn't my little sister have a willy?". Who knows how many other times a child had already seen his sister naked, but all of a sudden h e realises there is a physical difference and, therefore, he requests an explanation. There is obviously no mischievousness in the child's curiosity. A child asks about the presence of absence of a willy with the same naturalness that he would about the presence or the absence of a mole.

It is also true nevertheless that "embarrassing" questions often catch us by surprise and leave us perplexed. There are two possibilities. You can awkwardly pretend you haven't heard and try to distract the attention of the child proposing him another cartoon. Or, more constructively, you can try to give the child the "right" truth. Not too articulate, but neither fairytale like or fruit of your imagination, simply a "truth" that is suitable for his age and his questions. "Your little sister doesn't have a willy because she is a girl and you are a boy". Is that all? Yes, often this is enough. Proof that often fear and embarrassment are uncalled for. There will come the time, obviously, for further questions and answers. But the need remains to answer with clarity, avoiding metaphoric explanations that a child is not able to understand and which he is not interested in. A child that asks how children are born, is not interested, for instance, in learning abo ut butterflies. He simply wants to know how he was born. And this is what you must explain to him, without the need to describe facts in detail, but telling him with simple, clear words what happens: "Mummy allowed you to grow inside her tummy. Then when you were ready, and you started to push to come out, she opened a type of door that all mothers have for this reason".

In any case, even when faced with the most eccentric and embarrassing questions, try not to lie: if the child receives a different "truth" from somebody else, it would be quite disorientated. Avoid, to conclude, being evasive, or worse still, showing uneasiness, even when you are asked the most unpleasant questions. Your reluctance could induce the child to perceive certain aspects of live in a distorted and negative way instead of with the joy and the pleasure they deserve. A child is never "immoral" in his questions. He only wants "to know". To receive from his own parents an inheritance of knowledge that makes him more aware of what happens around him and, something just as important, to be able to count, in the future, on the real meaning of truth.

Together to fight obesity

Too many snacks, too much television. But also lack of physical activity and poor diet education. According to the most recent research studies, the main causes of the "extra-large" generation are excessive sedentariness and unhealthy food habits which have been inherited , in most cases, from parents who are just as "florid". To fight infantile obesity it is certainly useful to limit the indiscriminate consumption of high-calorie foods. But, physicians remind us, it is just as necessary to improve the diet for the whole family.

Feeding a child badly means he is not educated to follow a healthy and balanced diet. It is fact well known that the increase in weight during childhood predisposes the body to become obese in adult age, with all the risks that are related to this condition, among which chronic cardiovascular diseases, hypertension, diabetes, and alterations to the metabolism. The results that emerged from recent research help us to understand the risks: 20% of overweight babies end up having weight problems as an adult; one third of all overweight adults were overweight when they were children; an overweight teen-ager has a high chance of remaining fat as he gets older.

But who or what is responsible for infantile obesity? Certainly the indiscriminate consumption of sweets and snacks are partly guilty: one extra portion of a sugary drink per week increases the risks of obesity by 11%. It also appears that obese babies have a greater predisposition to spending more time in front of the television compared to those of their own age who, on average, spend two and a half hours a day watching TV. With the inevitable consequence of subtracting precious hours from the time they could dedicate to sports and healthy physical activity.

Another factor under accusation, however, according to recent research, is the "inheritance" issue. Children of obese parents are more at risk of becoming overweight during school age. If it is the mother who is "oversize", the danger increases even more. But there is also the inverse risk. From recent studies it has emerged, for instance, that mothers who are more worried about their child being overweight, end up bringing up an overweight child. In practice, according to the experts, the hyper-control over a dietary regime makes the child incapable of managing the situation alone, which leads him to overeat even when he is not hungry, assuming many more calories than necessary.

Which is therefore the most correct attitude to take? First of all, that of combining the personal propensities of each child with the need "to channel" his self-regulatory capacities within "healthy" limits.

Start lunch with a strategic appetizer such as some bowls of raw vegetables, this will help for instance to fill the stomachs of little gluttons before he starts on his pasta; a good idea is to use smaller dishes: you will have reduced portions but with a "full-plate" effect. It is important also to have five meals a day, avoiding "snacks between meals", to eat at least five portions of fruit or vegetable a day, to drink lots of water limiting sugary drinks, to reduce the intake of fats, particularly cured meats, fried foods, seasonings and puddings. And to curb the hunger of those who need "substantial" snacks, you can prepare some meat balls or small pieces of omelettes instead of cakes or crisps.

But there are also some other rules to follow for a healthy diet and the correct development of children. It is for instance recommended to avoid using food as a "reward", try to allow the child to play outdoors, try to get him to take up a regular sport and naturally try to limit his "video-addiction" during leisure time: maximum 2 hours a day. It is also important to get back into the healthy habit of outdoor activities with the family, taking advantage of weekend to go for walks. Children, it is known, imitate adults. And trying to change the life style of everybody all together can be an excellent chance to reap the benefits that come from sharing a common reality: strength comes from unification...also in the case of obesity.