newsletter Feb06

the 2nd newsletter, Nov 2006

The reasons for a cesarean

Assisting to your first child's birth. It is probably a mother's biggest wish. An epilogue of an adventure that lasted nine months and the first chapter of a new life experience, natural delivery represents with no doubt the most awaited conclusion for every woman. And, in reality the expectations are not disappointing in most cases. Though it can happen that reality requires more "concreteness" and that, to guarantee the child and the mother's well-being, one must give up experiencing the emotion of a natural delivery and have a cesarean. Taking this into consideration with as much "concreteness" does not mean to experience pregnancy with the conviction of experimenting a dramatic situation. It simply means to face the possibility of a circumstance in a “concrete” way. Acknowledging the positive sides, to verify the inestimable value of an end that is, really, much more important than the means with which it is reached.

What makes the choice more difficult, according to researches, are never only medical reasons that have to do with the mother or child's conditions though, sometimes, considerations of "opportunities" from doctors that solve pregnancy problems of a delivery that has only small complications, that are easily surmountable with adequate support to the woman in labor. Nevertheless, in most cases caesareans are an objective need and it is good to know that the experience and expertise reached guarantee a result that is amply positive, for the mother as well as for the child. It is the frequency that confirms the simplicity of the event. Generally caesareans are due to the presence of the baby's conditions that seem simply incompatible with natural delivery. When there are sudden complications the intervention occurs in emergency and quickly. In the other cases it is called “elective” caesareans, planned with one's gynaecologist when there are risks that have come up during pregnancy among which the excessive size of the child compared to the mother's pelvic channel, the baby's position that makes natural delivery impracticable, signs of foetal sufferance or the presence of twin pregnancy and of babies that block each other. For what the mother is concerned, they intervene surgically only if her life is at risk by a serious gestosis or by serous haemorrhage caused by an anticipated detachment of the placenta. Though these cases are very rare. In any case, it is nature that, simply, takes its course. There is nothing that could have been done and nothing that jeopardized the situation. Nothing that the mother can blame herself for. Caesareans are simply the alternative answer to conflict circumstances that are not necessarily destined to repeat themselves.

Certainly, it is useless to deny it, surgery deprives women of the pleasure of seeing their child being born, something that in some cases can generate in the new mother an unjustified sense of inadequacy. As if the need to have a caesarean can put their "abilities" of being a mother into discussion. It is important to not be overwhelmed by what happened, take the experience in its correct reality and value the pros and cons of the situation peacefully. The caesarean cut is for example less painful than natural delivery, being an operation in total or local anaesthesia. The child does not run into, even if very rare, expulsive difficulties and he will not have to face stress passing through the birth channel. Besides almost all women that have caesareans, on the contrary of common thoughts, have no problems breastfeeding from the very first days. So let's try and let go, and find the value of an event that, with or without natural delivery, will be the bigg est emotion of our life. Let's learn to share our thoughts with others, even the negative ones, with no shame. Discharging your emotions, your feelings, your worries, only helps get rid of a weight and, above all, it contributes to proportion a problem in real limits, helping to find the necessary peacefulness once again to be able to think of a project of happiness that is already present and future. A project that a caesarean will never be able to put into discussion in any way.

Out in the cold

Children, even those of only a few months, have the right to their daily walk. And they have this right even in the coldest months. Fresh air avails to the child's good mood, while the light of the sun stimulates the production of vitamin D that contributes to fix calcium in bones and guarantees regular development of the skeletal system. So there is no reason to stay closed up in the house with the child for weeks. Cold and rain must not scare: some small details will allow you to face even the cloudiest days.

What is particularly important is the choice of clothing. Beginning with his hat and scarf that must never be left behind: even if the classical winter sicknesses are not caused directly from cold, it can attenuate the defence mechanisms against infections, making the child's organism more subject to the attack of harmful germs.

For what is left it is suggested, in any case, to dress the child in "layers", to be able to lighten and cover him easily at the need of the moment. Above all if you have to take the car to get around and have to face the different temperatures between the inside of the heated car and the temperature outside.

It is also good to remember that, like some mothers think the contrary, the fear that the child can get in contact with other sicknesses leaving their home, is completely baseless. Children's orgasms have surprising defences developed in the nine months of pregnancy and, also, breastfeeding guarantees a sufficient dose of antibodies that defend the child from sicknesses. So there is no use to wait for the child to have his vaccinations to begin to take walks outdoors. What is important is to not exaggerate. The time that you are outdoors depends on the temperature and weather conditions. Children's main enemy in this sense is wind, because it transports more dust, germs and viruses and because, according to recent biometeorology researches, it often causes sudden mood changes in children.

It is useful to combine your walks with the break between a feeding and another, that is when the child is full and more willing for some sleep. If the day is particularly cold, it is best to choose the hottest hours of the day, between noon and three in the afternoon, and do not take walks longer than an hour: the baby, immobile in his carriage could easily get cold. Compared to an adult babies suffer more from cold because they still do not have a layer of fat sufficient to maintain their body's heat. In case of doubt, to verify the child's body temperature during his walk all you have to do is put your finger in his t-shirt at neck height. One must not be deceived by hands and feet, that are usually quite cold, because heat and energy are concentrated in internal organs. All you have to do is touch his chest: if it is warm it means that the baby is okay.

For a mother daily walks are a chance to meet other mothers, make friends based on the just begun experience, compare problems and solutions. So choose a time in which the baby is calm, satisfied from a peaceful feeding, it will even avail his mother that can peacefully stop and talk to a friend or look at some shops. Best if far from traffic. Let's not forget that his "air bath" should be pure, or rather it should not contain car gas and other pollutant substances. For what is possible choose parks, meadow areas or streets with little traffic. And the walk will be really refreshing. For him and for you.

Until a minute before he was peaceful and calm in your arms. But all it takes is for the next door neighbour to greet him, for the child to start desperately crying. It happens. With no warning and in the most sudden circumstances. Calming him is not always easy and, most of the time, to bring peacefulness back, it is necessary to interrupt the meeting... with a bit of embarrassment for your child's protests that seems he doesn't want to socialize with strangers. An embarrassment that is inappropriate because the child's behaviour is completely normal. This phenomenon is so known and frequent that paediatricians and psychologists commonly call it "the eighth month crisis", because it is usually around this age that the problem shows up in its most defined form.

Once the very first months are passed all children, even the most open and available new-borns, experience a growth phase during which the instinct to socialize is destined to give way to a transitory distrust. The reason is simple. At birth the new-born lives in an almost absolute symbiosis with his mother and a few months will be necessary so that he understands that he is not part of her. Only afterwards the child will begin to perceive himself as a distinct entity and, right around the eighth month, will acknowledge strangers as individuals different not only from him, but also from his mother, father and the people that take care of him. Different and, so, unknown. The acknowledgment of his identity, distinct from his mother's, is also at the origin of that anxiety of abandonment that children experience from this phase of their growth. And, in this context, the stranger that might want to hold the child, represents the realization of the feared separation.

With a prospective like that it is normal that the scared child stretches his hands towards his mother, with the hope of going back in her arms and getting rid of the danger of separation that he is not ready for yet.

The fear of strangers is destined to be overcome after the first year of life, when experience will give the child the possibility to reach a higher level of independence and awareness of certainty, for example, that even if mommy goes away she will come back. In any case a child that is afraid of a stranger must be understood in this phase, reassured and never forced. This certainly does not mean to give up a day in company or limit the occasions to socialize. On the contrary: a child that lives in an open family, that welcomes friends in his home, that hangs out with different people and situations will more easily overcome his "crisis".

It is important, though, to limit the stimulus that the child could see as "exaggerated" as much as possible and know how to understand the normal initial distrust without worrying and without anxiety. Children love quietness, they are routinely, they react with discomfort to confusion, noise, insistent compliments of adults. Crying and tears are the only channel of communication that they know how to use to "ask" for the respect of their peacefulness, their rituals, of their contemplative life. The only real needs of a child that is "too little" to socialize.

Two halves of a unique, indivisible, entity. This is how identical twins seem in the eyes of the world and, even more, in their parents'. And, despite the impressing resemblance and even if their destinies seem, in some cases, to find the mysterious sameness in choosing, tastes or cognitive abilities, children born from the same semen are individuals that are deeply different from each other. Each one with their own tastes, each one with their own personality. A personality that has the right to be respected and stimulated singularly, to help each child make choices on their own and not, on the contrary, by the unconscious will of conformation to a thought that is common as much as it is unlikely.

Some, that were separated at birth, found each other after years by incredible coincidences, others consider themselves telepathic and they believe that their biggest fear is to lose their identical sibling. The mystery of twins has always fascinated researchers and experts of every sector so much that the most bizarre theories have been thought of. According to some of these, homozygote brothers see everything double and mirrored and the sensation to trust each other in any circumstance makes their existence stronger, more powerful, safer. Though there are other researchers that believe that if twins are not "changed" in time they are destined to remain prisoners of rivalry, conflicts and guilt, even risking to isolate themselves in their family environment. What is sure is that doctors and psychologists agree that every child has a personality that is distinct from the other and, as much as he can look like his brother, he must be helped to develop his own identity. The widespread tendency is, almost always, to accentuate the equality between identical twins: same clothes, same accessories, same hair cut. Solutions that seem "cute" to adults, but are less efficient for children and for their healthy psychological development.

It is necessary to accentuate the differences that countersign twins, from the very first months of life. It is best to avoid first of all to speak indistinctly of the "twins": each one has a name and their own way of being. It is best, if something regards both of them, to speak of the "children". It is also necessary to dress and comb the children in a different way, to allow each one of them to develop their own preferences and style on their own. It is also suggested for them not to attend the same class at school: besides intensifying the process of reciprocal identification, you will run the risk that the children develop excessive complicity and consequently tend to isolate themselves from children their age. What must be favoured is independence of choosing, beginning with toys and finishing with after school activities and friends that, possibly, should be different also. In conclusion, it is important to catch the differences between one and the o ther and try to valorise them: Francesco that shows more aptitude for music could learn to play the piano, while Marco that likes to play ball could go to football school. The risk for two children that grew up as they were one is prevailingly in the scarce independence, in the lack of growing up ability and face life without their brother as a reference point, "alter ego" and unique term of comparison. There is time to experiment that the love between them, twins or not, is in any case indissoluble. There is time to verify possible points of common agreement or passions. And, if this occurs it will really be the result of the desire of each one. A desire to grant in freedom and independence.

The discovery of the cinema and theatre

Special effects, loud and surrounding noises, high resolution feelings. This is, for an adult, the value of cinema. A value that, however, can be a limit to entertainment for children. Not always what represents a source of entertainment for adults is also positively appreciated by children. The cinema, like the theatre, are important passions, so important that it is right, to transmit them to your children. Though if you do not want to turn them into a "nightmare", it is necessary to propose them at the right time. And, the right time is, like always, the one that keeps in right consideration the cognitive development of each child, his personal timings and his individual needs of comfort.

It is not suggested to take the child to the cinema before three years of age: it is quite difficult that he can appreciate the beauty of a show on a large screen and the impact with the novelty could not be liked by the child. Even afterwards it can happen that, after having experimented the emotion of the big screen for the first time, the child refuses to repeat the experience. The reasons are many and all understandable. First of all one must consider that the cinema, like the theatre, proposes to children an abnormal situation compared to the one they are used to, for example, with TV. The dark room, the presence of other watchers, the sounds that are too loud, are only some of the causes of a normal distrust towards movie and theatrical shows. And not only. Watching a show the child acquires suddenly the awareness that the experience that he is living is in any case limited in time: it has a beginning and an end. This does not happen for example with TV where a long series of cartoons can always be interrupted with the remote or, more simply, running out of the room. The show, movie or theatre, imposes children to remain seated for a length of time that can be too long for their natural needs to get up or move around and it risks boring them. Boredom, in fact, often for the length of the story that, if in relation to the cost of the ticket seems quite short for an adult, for children it is never-ending and so it becomes difficult to follow. Last negative aspect, certainly not by importance, it is the presence of scary scenes or cruelty that at the cinema seem bigger and more supported by surrounding sounds and music. So surrounding and so big that the children imagine themselves in the situations more than with the TV. Same thing for the theatre that, besides amplifying the situations, there are real people, with real characters that move in front of the children's eyes.

Before deciding to let a child experiment the emotion of a show it is best to adopt some preventive strategies that are useful to reduce the possibility of future refusals. Prepare him for example for the fact that the hall will be dark to allow him to see better and that there will be other people watching the film. Explain to him what the story will be about and try to make him curious on what will happen during the show. Do not forget in any case to choose the film attentively, keeping the child's age and tastes in mind. For what the theatre is concerned the problem is partially easier: most times, it is specified in the playbill or in the theatrical review what the indicated minimum age is to see the show. For the cinema you choose: cartoons are suggested, that to the simplicity of the story, they add magic of coloured animation and, often, the joy of a soundtrack that is easily catchy. Avoid, especially the first times, stories that have witches, monst ers or situations that can scare them. Same choice for the theatre, where you should prefer fun clown shows, even better if represented in a peaceful and joyful preparation scene. Be careful even on the practical side. For example do not forget that the seats at the cinema are not made for children: find out if they have booster seats or, if they don't, take one from home: it would be difficult for the child to get interested in a show that he can't see! Take candy, biscuits or fruit juices, to distract him in case he starts getting bored. In conclusion one last suggestion: even the cinema and the theatre, if experienced in the right way, can turn into a chance of growth and dialogue. Do not limit yourself in taking the child to the movies: once the movie is over, let him tell you the story that he saw, ask him things about the main stars, solicit their observations and preferences. Help them learn to tell stories and share. It is important for the present, it is even more for his f uture and his growth.

Videogames between risks and potentiality

Fun, charming, technologically perfect. For children today there are no rivals. Their preferences are always playstations and videogames: intrusive and dominating hobbies, loved by kids of every age that Anglo-Saxon countries call the "e-generation". Computers and television are their present and the opposing videogames are part of it too. Is it a disaster? Not necessarily. It is with no doubt a relationship to regulate: videogames, or their excessive and uncontrolled use, have negative effects on children. It is sufficient to know how to use them with intelligence, without demonizing them, to turn them into what they potentially are: an instrument of fun and an unexpected stimulus of learning.

The physical, psychological and cultural repercussions of an "overexposure" to videogames are real and tangible: infantile sedentariness and obesity that comes from it, are among the primary and evident consequences of the many, too many hours in front of a screen. To this the more or less immediate damage to eyesight must be added. Recent researches have also proved that some flashing lights that are in several videogames, cause an abnormal cerebral reaction that, in the case of latent predisposition, can even cause epileptic crisis. But the negative effects of a wrong use of videogames is not limited to this. Unfortunately there are a series of consequences that are less tangible though still relevant for the health of children. They are not direct effects, but damage that, over a long period of time, can produce isolation, difficulty in relating with others, fears, aggressiveness: incapable of distinguishing between images and reality, these children tra nsport the circumstances experienced in front of the screen into their infantile imagination. They are incapable of getting away from an object that is so fascinating, for sounds, images and movement, they end up wasting their free time in front of a videogame losing the taste of playing with children their age. They are incapable of judging what they see, they passively absorb languages and messages that can sometimes induce inadequate behaviours.

Despite everything, though, even playstations are part of our children's lives and it is illusory and wrong to believe to be able to solve the risks by censuring an instrument that is not damaging in itself. On the contrary. Some videogames, if used with parsimony and in the right way, can be surprisingly beneficial for the growth of your children: they develop their memory, they improve the capacity of inductive thoughts, they facilitate cultural approach and computer technology. It has also been established that by proposing more variables at a time and encouraging relations, videogames can develop a strong capacity of deciding in children, pushing them to elaborate and formulate winning strategies and developing confidence in themselves and their abilities. So it is only a question of getting information, of verifying the potentiality of a videogame and regulating then the use in an intelligent way. When you buy a videogame for your children check for example the characteristics and the age to whom it is addressed. Then keep in consideration that videogames that exclude violence and require ability and commitment to reach positive and ethical targets are in increase. Then in any case explain to the children that any videogame is only a game and there is no reason to dramatize the tones of the challenges. Then make clear rules on its use, starting with the time that they can play: one hour a day in front of the console is already a limit to not exceed. Do not forget that before asking the children to quit playing a fascinating game it is necessary to offer them some "anti-boredom" solutions. So propose different hobbies, organize afternoons to spend together, outdoors or in the house, encourage them to discover interest in music, theatre, reading. Prepare games to play all together. Yes, no parent is immune from the risk of using the TV, computer and videogames as a baby-sitter. A child doesn't need this to grow up. A child needs chara cters to interact with their mouse, quizzes to answer, strategies to use, like he needs to elaborate thoughts and fantasies of his own and not proposed ones, he needs to share his feelings, and receive attention. To understand that reality doesn't need special effects to give an emotion.