newsletter Feb06

the 2nd newsletter, Oct 2006

The wonders of the foetal memory

The taste of a food, the sound of a tune, the caress of a hand...memories of a foetal world. Sensations which are felt during the life in the uterus that remain in the memory of every child. The researchers of neonatal psychology have no doubts: the nine months of pregnancy are essential for providing a child with the foundations of an experience that, after the birth, will reflect the stimuli he received during those months. That is why it is important to dedicate time and attention to the baby even before he lies in your arms. This doesn't mean intervening with complicated and useless processes. It is sufficient to simply start a "dialogue" which consists in emotional and sensorial incentives.

From the 25th week, when the hearing, the sense of smell, of taste and touch are sufficiently developed (sight is not developed until the 32nd week), the foetus is able to perceive and to respond to stimulus from the outside world. Some research however goes even further, assuring us that the baby "preserves" the memories of his own foetal world from birth, to the extent where he recognizes, not only the voices of his mother and father, but also music he frequently heard or the "taste" of a particularly pleasant food his mother ate. Recent research have claimed, for instance, that just a few hours after the birth, babies show a clear preference for the sound of the heartbeat rather than other sounds.

And not only: they would even be capable of understanding the difference between his mother's heartbeat from that of the mothers of other newborns. During subsequent experiments some researchers have demonstrated that the newborns are even able to distinguish between two different fairytales, showing preference for the one that their mother read to them, every day for ten minutes, in the last three months of pregnancy. According to experts, even the basic elements of language are learned during the prenatal life, to the extent where the experiments show that in front of a group of people that use different idioms, the newborn baby instinctively turns towards those people who speak the maternal language. Music would also seem to be extremely important: numerous studies reveal in fact that a piece of music heard every day in the last three months of pregnancy is perfectly recognized by the newborn baby. There are then some theories that go even further, such as the "Mozart Theory" according to which children exposed to classical music during pregnancy would develop advanced brain faculties at an early age that would then become a high IQ. A fascinating supposition, but something which has to be entirely proved.

What we do know for certain is already however enough to understand that during prenatal life, the baby is perfectly capable of memorizing and, therefore, also learning.

The more apparently direct channel is that of hearing, which already starts to develop from the 8th week. Low soft music, can give a baby a sense of serenity and calm that he will find again in his memory when he is born. More than music, however, the voice of the mother is extremely important as it reaches the foetus three times louder than all other sounds. Start speaking to the baby therefore using his name, if you have already decided on it, or using a nickname. The other sense are however no less important and can equally be stimulated. Touch is the first sense to develop in the intrauterine life: light loving caresses on the tummy create a form of direct communication through which, from the seventh month, it is possible to also perceive the "response" of the baby, in his movements. It would be a mistake, furthermore, to underestimate the sense of smell and taste that are more developed in the foetus than we would imagine. Already from the 12th week t he baby distinguishes the flavours of what his mother eats, therefore a healthy varied diet is necessary and will help him to establish and to memorize his own tastes. To conclude we can and should establish a direct relationship with our baby during pregnancy, consisting in stimuli and responses, of affection and emotions. To do so it is not necessary to cultivate the idea of an above-average intellectual development, simply try to satisfy our need for serenity and comfort. Our serenity will be his serenity, our comfort, his comfort. Our desire to communicate emotions, his emotion forever.

Double-bed yes, Double-bed no

Comfortable, at times inevitable, in some cases even pleasant. But, above all, dangerous. Sleeping in the double-bed with your child can mean putting his comfort and his future psychological serenity at risk. This is what researchers, physicians and experts of the sector think. There are, nevertheless, conflicting opinions according to which sleeping with the mother and father helps to nurse the child and gives him a greater sense of serenity. The truth is, as always, in the middle: taking the baby to bed makes nursing easier without any doubt, but it has to remain an exception not a habit.

"Sleeping in the double-bed with his parents up to the age of 5 increases the possibility that the child will grow into a calm, healthy and emotionally balanced adult". This is what a recent study in England states, according to which the separation from the mother and father from the first days of life increases the flow of stress hormones. The theory is confirmed by further research and statements that, in fact, have led to an increase in the USA of the tendency to asleep with the baby, at least until he is eight months old. According to the supporters of the theory it is a practical habit, because it allows the mother to respond immediately and more easily to the needs of the child, which is a natural behavior, to the extent where also the animal world follows the same principle with their little ones. Sleeping with the child, the researchers confirm, helps "to recover" the time denied to the child due to daily commitments and therefore increases his sen se of trust and wellbeing. Theories which are objectively undisputable. But what are the negative aspects of this choice?

First of all there is a risk of possible suffocation of the child: an adult who sleeps deeply could unintentionally roll over the newborn baby and crush him with his weight. It has also been stated and often confirmed by the World Health Organization that sleeping with the mother and father and does not help his breathing and it increases notably the risks of SIDS, better known as "white death". There is also inevitable uneasiness of a habit that, as time goes by, can become "cumbersome". In the true sense of the word, because the presence of the child will disturb the sleep of his parents with his kicking, transversal positions and continuous awakenings. Metaphorically cumbersome, because it is incompatible with the freedom and the intimacy that the double bed has to represent in the life of a couple. Besides, when the move to the singles bed becomes inevitable, you will soon discover that the child has absolutely no intention of giving up something that was apparentl y his for all these months and that, rightly appears to him to be the best possible solution.

From the first few months, therefore, it would be wise not to take the child to the parent's bed, or be moved by his weepings and continuous awakenings. If nevertheless, tiredness and fatigue, take the upper hand on good intentions, it is important to face as soon as possible the changeover from the double-bed to the crib or cot. A change which should be managed making firm decisions, (exceptions to the rule are permitted, provided that they remain an exception) and, above all, gradually. During the first few weeks we can decide, for instance, to keep the cot in our room, so that we remain with the child until he falls asleep. Subsequently we can try to move the crib or the cot to his own room when he has fallen asleep. It will then be possible to try to put him directly to bed in his own room. First in our presence, then alone. From the first phase, nevertheless, it is important to create a "good night ritual" consisting in repeated actions and reassuring presences: a coloured light to illuminate the room a little, a soft teddy to cuddle up to, a sweet lullaby. Small things, in short, that can help the child to become autonomous, to gain confidence and grow serenely.

The changeover from the sweet taste of milk to the taste of baby food and broths, the pleasant and reassuring habit of sucking that is replaced by a new and unknown habit, the substitution of the warm and pleasant maternal breast with cold and lifeless "tools". Weaning represents a delicate moment in the growth of a child and there are many elements involved in order to achieve good results. The "discovery" of the spoon is, for instance, often underestimated. Is it however an experience whose psychological value normally determines a "resistance" to the change. A refusal to be understood and respected: a child cannot be obliged to grow. He can be helped and encouraged though whilst bearing in mind, nevertheless, that a child becomes independent if one respects his times and his needs.

Maternal milk represents the final bond with the pleasure experimented during the first months of life. Sucking is relaxing, reassuring and gratifying. A child searches for his mother's breast not only to feed but also because by sucking he receives comfort and relief. The same happens with the baby bottle which is nothing more than a substitute for the maternal breast, because it allows the child to re-establish the special bond with his mother, to feel relaxed, secure and protected as if he was sucking from her breast. Using a teaspoon means, therefore, to break a pleasant habit which is very difficult to give up. That strange object has nothing to do with his mother's breast. It is totally different. And definitely not as enjoyable. There is then the fact that the use of the new "tool" involves extra effort by the child compared to sucking the baby bottle or the maternal breast. It is no longer a matter of simply drinking or sucking, the child has to learn to coordinate his mouth and brain to swallow and to eat. Even the consistence of the teaspoon, so different from the softness of the teat or the nipple, is for many children the cause of an unpleasant feeling and something difficult to accept.

It is also true nevertheless that, sooner or later, the changeover must be faced. What to do then? What strategy to try? First of all it is recommended not to force the child: obliging him to use the spoon, inserting it in his mouth, would only increase his sense of refusal and amplify the problem. On the contrary, it is a better idea to encourage a serene approach to the "tool" which is as playful as possible. Playing is a way of learning, to get experience and the child has to be allowed "to play" also with his food, putting his hands in it, bringing it unsuccessfully to his mouth, taking the spoon from your hands, trying to hold it and then dropping the content. Once, twice, three...ten times. The more you encourage him to do it alone, the earlier he will learn. A little trick is to make the teaspoon become a familiar object, leaving him to play with it some months in advance to the weaning so he can play with it and suckle it. In short, he needs time to get acquainted with it. Use where possible teaspoons that have been purposely designed for children: brightly coloured, with an anatomical shape for easier use and the end in soft plastic or silicone. When faced with persistent difficulty in accepting the teaspoon it is useless and harmful to insist and a slight compromise is certainly more constructive: you can start feeding with a teaspoon, so that the child understands that this is the new way of eating, and then change to the baby bottle when it starts to refuse it.

Gradualness and patience are after all the only weapons at the disposal of those who know that every child has his own individual time when assimilating changes. Time that the parents have to support, to help and to encourage the growth of their children. Even when this means arming yourself with patience...and a pinch of imagination: during feed times always use two teaspoons: one to feed him and one to play with until he learns how to use it. Be ready to exchange your spoon full of food with his empty one, so he can try to put it in his mouth on his own. Don't get annoyed when the nth spoonful of food hits the floor. The growth of a child doesn't take into account these small practical problems. Problems that parents are called upon to face with love and affection when it refers to their child's need to gain self-sufficiency.

Nobody remembers their first birthdays: the candles in the middle of the cake, the emotion of blowing them out with a puff, the fun of playing with cousins and friends.... Memories which are too distant to be recalled to the minds of adults. Everyone, however, remembers the light-heartedness of a happy childhood, the sweetness of a motherly hug, the warmth of a family party. Something in fact is certain: none of us lose our memory of what we have lived. The problem is that, as years go by, we are not able to remember, in a conscious and evocative way, the events we lived when we were very small and the emotions we felt during the most beautiful moments of childhood. Emotions that, nevertheless, have not been lost.

The value, of both negative and positive things in our entire life, and particularly during childhood, is and will remain inside us, ready to come out when the music of a carillon reminds us of a lullaby, when a perfume reminds us of our grandmother's biscuits, when a photo we happen to find shows the loving looks on the faces of our mother and father. When a candle on the cake reminds us, not quite the memory of facts, but certainly a memory of the emotion and the serenity experienced during those first birthdays and preserved in our memory forever.

A small child is capable of understanding what is actually happening around him, and neither can he understand the meaning of his first birthdays. Something he is sure of however, is the warmth and the joy that surround him. And this is simply what a birthday has to give a child. It is best to avoid, therefore, organising a party with tens of guests and giant cakes: such an exaggerated party would have no sense for the "birthday-boy" who cannot understand the value of it and, besides, would probably only be bothered by all the unnecessary fuss. Choose therefore a family party with relatives and close friends rather than a large social gathering. The choice of the location to celebrate the event is naturally very personal. If you have problems of space you can ask the grandparents or uncles and aunts if they have room, or you could hire a small room in a restaurant or games centre. Nevertheless, where possible, it is highly recommended to organize the party in your own home, where the child will be more at ease and where it is without doubt easier to deal with his needs: his feed times, his naptimes, his difficulty being faced with so many people.

It is without doubt a day to be remembered, but one must not forget that the event has to be "special" mainly for the child. It is therefore important that the birthday does not simply become a party for adults. Try and invite cousins, other children from the nursery, in short other children who can have fun with the child and share his toys and games. Involve him in the party for instance helping him to blow out the candles. Order a cake which is not too large, but possibly very coloured and made with ingredients that the child "truly enjoys"; after all it is his party. Add some coloured balloons, some festoons here and there and then...just have fun! Nothing more is needed to make this a truly memorable event. One single puff and all the doubts and the difficulties of the first months of life with a child will fade away leaving room only for a unique moment of joy to be jealously guarded, forever, in your memory.

In the memory of a mother and father who, with the nostalgia of someone who knows the uniqueness of every emotion that a child gives them, prepare themselves to face a new phase of growth with their child. In the memory of a child, who has the opportunity to live the value of an emotion and the warmth of a hug on this day which is something he will need even as an adult. And when he grows up his childhood will be there to guarantee him the love of his parents, with memories that cannot fade away.

Children that stammer

They know exactly what they want to say, they talk, they even succeed in making themselves understood, but their sentences are unintentionally split by syllables that they repeat, words that don't want to come out, vowels that are lengthened. This is how children who stammer build their fragmentary "oral relationships". The disorder is generally due to uneasiness at an emotional level and in most cases usually disappears on its own quite quickly. If however the problem persists to school age, it is essential to contact a specialist and start effective therapy. Without exaggerating nevertheless: the stammering of a child is a rare experience but something which has to be responded to with serenity and understanding.

Stammering is an alteration of speech characterized by hesitation and/or spasmodic repetition of syllables during a sentence. The disorder can be classified as "tonic stammering", with a complete blocking of speech for a certain period and "clonic stammering" characterized by the unintentional repetition of the first syllable of a sentence. In preschool age stammering is enough frequent and almost never worrisome. The disorder occurs, in fact, in 10% of all cases, around three-four years of age and is often related to psychological dynamics that the child experiences in this phase of life. Starting school, the arrival of a little brother, frequent absence of his mother or father for work reasons, the separation of the parents, the loss of a dear person, are just some of the causes of an anomalous emotional state that, in circumstances of great uneasiness, takes on the form of a transitory stammer. It is not by chance that some situations which are emotionally trying for the child cause the disorder to worsen;

speaking to other people, whilst it tends to lessen or disappear completely when the child is not subject to any circumstances of emotional value, such as for instance when he talks to his teddies. Generally the disorder is resolved over time without the need for any external intervention. If nevertheless the stammering is accompanied by tics, slow speech development or simply it continues to school age it is recommended to consult an expert, who can evaluate the situation and help you to face it in the most suitable manner.

What is decisive in every phase therefore, even when the disorder does not require medical assistance, is that the family assumes an attitude that allows the child to overcome the uneasiness and, above all, doesn't increase its intensity. It is forbidden for instance to give useless suggestions to a child that is stammering. Phrases such as "speak slower", "take a breath", "start again", do nothing more than emphasise the presence of a problem which the child realises exists, and therefore only increases his anxiety and, with it, the problem of communication. During the conversation don't hurry the child, don't try to complete his sentences and, above all, don't interrupt him telling him you have understood: trying to guess his thought and to anticipate him mortifies the child and makes his attempt to communicate vane. It is important to speak to the child, in a relaxed and slow manner, but without excessively articulating the words: the child would notice that you speak to him in a different way compared to other people. Something just as important is to learn to valorise the other qualities of the child in order to stabilize his self-esteem. For example if he loves drawing, it is a good idea to compliment him on his ability and help him to improve. Avoid on the other hand rewards or useless compliments when the child doesn't stammer: they simply convince him that stammering is something problematic. Praise him however when he expresses himself clearly, even when there are a few mistakes, avoid humiliating him in front of others or creating a tensed atmosphere as everyone waits for the "blessed words" to finally come out of his mouth. Don't forget that stammering is a problem for those who suffer from it, especially in terms of their social relations: those who stammer are often shy people, less open to relationships with others, and lacking in self-esteem. Pay attention to what the child is saying therefore, the content and his wa y of expressing himself. Learn, in short, to listen. Which doesn't mean simply "listening". It means "coming into contact" with another person, paying attention to his thoughts, showing him you understood even the unmentioned needs. Which, at times, simply need a hug, a caress or a simple smile.

How to defend children from bullying

They don't know anything about history or geography but they already know how to prevaricate over those of their own age, isolating them, ridiculing them and sometimes even using physical violence. These are the small "bullies", children who are often less than 10 years old but are already waiting to unsheathe wickedness and aggressiveness on weaker, more timid or more defenceless school companions. The phenomenon of bullying, that has already assumed a level of social sore point both in the United States and Great Britain, is also increasing in our Country, where, according to recent data provided by Telefono Azzurro – the Children's Help-Line, it involves directly or as a simple spectator, at least one child in three. It is not simple to intervene, but acknowledging the problem can help to learn to understand the possible uneasiness of a child, to explain to him how to defend himself, to help him to overcome the more difficult moments. And to teach h im that socialising doesn't mean never falling into a trap.

The victims of "bullies" are generally chubby children, those with glasses or braces on their teeth, but it also happens to the more shy, silent, studious, "mummy's boy" children. In short any child can find himself as a defenceless victim of a bully that enforces his predominance with "direct" abuses of power, more frequent among little boys and characterized by aggressive and arrogant language or physical behaviours, or "indirect" abuse, exclusively played at a psychological level. This last form is widespread among little girls, who use forms of bullying such as the exclusion from playing groups, isolation, repeated use of grimaces and vulgar gestures, gossiping and telling of tales on the victim.

In any case and in whatever form bullying is a deplorable phenomenon that have nothing to do with the inevitable and at times conflictual growth experiences of a child. It is wrong to confuse it with a simple quarrel among friends, self-defeating to think that it will strengthen the character of a child. The abuses of power create uneasiness and suffering in the receivers and, above all, there is no alternation in the roles as there is in a normal argument among contemporaries: on one side there is the bully who, voluntarily and repeatedly over time, attacks, robs, isolates, insults or laughs at the victim with the intention to hurt or damage him. On the other side there is the victim, incapable of reacting or rebelling, who experiences a condition of profound suffering, of serious lack of esteem, of cruel emargination and, if not rightly protected, he will in time risk closing in on himself and becoming disheartened and discouraged.

To recognize if a child is a victim of bullying is not simple, also because children tend to hide from their parents and teachers their uneasiness. Nevertheless it is wise not to underestimate the behaviours that can turn out to be important alarm signals, such as for instance if the child repeatedly comes home from school with torn clothes or with bruises or wounds for which he gives no clear explanation. Equally worrisome is the fact that the child doesn't meet with his schoolmates or is not invited to parties, further to a symptom of uneasiness and reluctance to go to school, school performance that starts to decrease, sadness, depression or on the contrary, bad tempers. Once it has been established that the child is a bully victim it is naturally necessary to find effective solution strategies. And the most best way is, almost always, dialogue. With the child, above all, but also with the school teachers. Inform them and share your suspicions, ask them to check and give you an "objective" opinion on the situation. If the theory is confirmed the school will have to take some decisive action that takes into consideration the rights, the needs and the fragility of all the children involved: those of the victims and also the prevaricators. Children who bully are often children with family problems, they are lacking in affection, and have difficulty socialising and handling their emotions. Criminalising the problem can lead to self-defeating effects.

With regards to talking to children who are victims of bullying, it is important not to minimize the circumstance and on the contrary listen to him and be understanding. Let's explain first of all to him that talking to an adult about it is not an action of weakness but is an effective way to expose those who behave badly. Ask him to explain his emotions to you and to express his uneasiness without fear.

Sometimes it is enough to start with a simple question such as "is there anything worrying you? You seem very angry. Do you want to talk to me about it?" to help a child find the words to express what he feels. Don't forget also that the child needs to feel beloved and appreciated for what he is. Self-confidence is what is most harmed in a child who is bullied and it is therefore this side that has to be strengthened. It is important to help him regain confidence in his own potentials, encouraging him do things he is good at and, naturally complimenting him when it achieves even the smallest goals. The experience will be useful to face a new environment, to start to receive respect from other people, to meet new friends. And to come to understand that where there is friendship, there is no reason for bullying or prevarication to exits.