newsletter Feb06

The 2nd Newsletter, Feb 2008

The lottery on who he will look like

"What will his eyes look like? And his smile, whose smile will he have?" The baby isn’t born yet and the future parents already enjoy playing a harmless, loving game of look-alike lottery. One thing is sure: a baby will never look like his mother and father, but also his grandparents, his aunts and uncles and even his great-grandparents. The starting point? In the chromosome: tiny units of DNA that are found inside the cells which are the carriers of the genetic characteristics of his parents.

In the DNA of women, the chromosome that establishes the gender consists in two XX, whilst in men’s DNA the sexual chromosome consists in X and Y. During conception one chromosome of the mother and one chromosome of the father will meet to form a new life. The mothers obviously provide one of the two Xs whilst the father will provide an X, producing a little girl, or a Y, producing a little boy. What happens during the conception of a child, is also what happened during the conception of his mother and his father who inherited therefore their chromosomes from their own parents, and so on through the generations. That's why in a newborn child it is possible to find blue eyes or red hair that only his great-grandmother had in the family. In short, even in a "brown hair, brown eyes" family, a child can be born with red hair and green eyes if one of his grandfathers or great-grandfathers introduced these features. The somatic lines, depend more on the combination of a series of genes, therefore it is possible that the baby will have a skin tone that is half way between that of his parents, a nose that is not as small as his mother’s but not as long as his father’s.

There are also some physical aspects that depend on the genes, but also on diets and life styles. The most classical example is height, that can be a combination between those of the parents but which increases with a healthier and more active life with a varied diet rich in proteins. Not to mention the other characteristics such as IQ or vivacity, that also depends on genetic information partly which is still being researched as it depends on a higher number of genes, which can combine in an extremely complex manner. It is for instance certain that the character or the psychic predispositions do not strictly depend on genetic factors, such as education and the environment. For example, from two parents who are useless at mathematics a child can be born with a passion for numbers. A characteristic perhaps inherited from two great-grandfathers and helped by particularly smart teachers. In short: when a child comes into the world, nothing can be taken for granted.

One thing is for sure though: newborns resemble their fathers more. The reason? According to experts in America, nature causes the somatic lines of new born babies to look more like the natural father. A small privilege that, according to researchers, in prehistoric times, when the natural initial similarity gave the chance to a father to recognize his child, and then take care of him. And so, dear mothers, take note: perhaps it is worth trying to highlight the similarity to the father, rather than the differences at the beginning: who knows if this will get you some extra help over the next few tiring weeks?

Out with your baby

A small "prison". A nice prison of course, articulated by moments of love and tenderness. But all the same, a "prison". This is how some new mothers live the first few months of their life with the baby, especially if it is a first child and everything seems to rotate around him. It seems natural to close oneself in the house and the only moment of freedom is a walk around the block now and again. Nothing could be more wrong. Taking the baby out now and again does not mean you are exposing him to risks, on the contrary it means having fun, spending time with your partner and maintaining social relationships, and fighting off the dangerous tendency to become introversive and think only of the baby. Reconciling the demands of the baby’s rhythms with your own needs to go out, in fact, is not impossible. All it takes is to organize yourself so that nothing is missing. And it is possible to do this and spend a great day outdoors, weather permitting.

The first thing you need is a good large bag, with a lot of pockets. Even better if it is a rucksack: you can carry it on your shoulders and your hands are free. Inside you need to carry, first of all, his changing stuff: two clean diapers (better four if you intend to say out half a day), a small pack of wet-wipes, a tube of zinc oxide cream. The baby also need a complete change of clothing: a baby suit, romper and socks, to change the baby if he wets himself or gets food on him during feeding. You also need some sort of support surface (hygiene is not always guaranteed in rest areas or restaurants) a thin mattress, soft and waterproof and a small clean towel will be perfect and they will take up very little space.

For those who are still breastfeeding feeding is no problem, but if the baby is fed with reconstituted milk it is necessary to take everything you need. It is in fact preferable to prepare milk when you need it because if you keep it for too long, ready and warm, in the thermos as this can cause bacteria to occur. It is therefore recommended to fill the well sterilized baby bottle with water at a slightly higher temperature than you usually use and put the right amount of powder in a small container (you can find these in the pharmacy or baby product shops). If you spend a long time away from home, it may be necessary to reheat the water. In such cases, if you are not at a friend’s house, you can ask a bar, restaurant or motorway cafe for their assistance (they are generally always helpful to mothers with newborns), or you can take a bottle warmer with you, bearing in mind that some models can also be connected to the electric cigarette lighter socket in the car.

To make the baby feel at ease when you are out, try to change and feed him in quiet places, naturally warm and away from noise and bustling situations. The smile of a serene mother, a soother on hand when necessary in a special sterile container and his favourite toy will be enough to make the baby feel happy, just like at home.

Many mothers worry about the intestinal problems of their child, but in most cases it is not actually constipation. Whether the child goes twice a day, or on the contrary, once every two days, is not that important as long as he goes without any particular difficulty. What is important, however, is that he is regular – at his own personal rhythm – and that the stool is soft so that it is not difficult or painful for him. Only if the child goes less than twice a week, or finds it difficult to defecate, goes red and cries, or if his stool is small and hard, can you start to consider constipation.

Irregularity and delays are rather common in children from five-six months onwards. It is not a serious disturbance that parents have to worry about: real bowel problems, that block the stool, are rare and in any case are diagnosed during examinations by the doctor immediately after birth. It is recommended, however, to face possible difficulties using simple food and every day habits, so that from the very first few months the child achieves a regular bowel rhythm that lasts forever.

Constipation often begins to show after the first five months, when weaning starts and new foods are introduced, which are more solid and have less water, which can slow down the intestinal movements. A good way of softening the stool is to give the child more liquids: such as boiled water, child herbal teas, fruit juices on the weaning allowed foods list (pear juice is perfect as it is well tolerated and slightly laxative). To simulate him, every now and again, it is possible to use some tactics: use a thermometer or a cotton bud dipped in olive oil or Vaseline and insert it into the anus. The baby reacts by "pushing" and often evacuates. Suppositories and micro-clysms only be used in extreme cases, when proposed by a doctor, when the child has not been to the toilet for many days and, in any case, they mustn’t become a habit, because a child has to learn to recognize natural stimulation. Chemical laxatives are absolutely forbidden at all times.

A correct diet is essential. As weaning continues, you can add foods which are rich in fibre such as pears, prunes, courgettes, pumpkin, boiled greens, green beans instead of carrots, potatoes, apples and bananas that have on the contrary, an astringent effect. Corn flour and tapioca, mixed cereals and small pasta are preferable to rice based products. Yogurt can also have a regulating effect on lazy bowels: but this shouldn’t be given until the child is nine-ten months, always following the instructions given by the paediatrician.

You should consult a doctor if the stool, apart from being small and hard, also has traces of blood: this could be sign that the child has a small rhagade, a "cut" in the anal mucous that is caused by the forcing himself during defecation. The doctor should examine him delicately and use some softening and scar healing ointments that help the tissues to recover.

Sudden lighting and threatening thunders in a black sky and children at home start running in order to hide or they desperately cry looking for mom’s and dad’s comfort. It is only a thunderstorm, but many kids are afraid of it. For children it is a mysterious experience, an incomprehensible event and this could provoke in them a strong fear. It is completely normal, especially for children at this age, who are extremely sensitive to very loud noises such as those of the thunders. However, with a little patience, fantasy and a few simple games, we could help a child to overcome this fear and accustom him to face this "shocking" natural show. Let’s see all together how to do it.

When a thunderstorm takes place, a scared kid has, above all, the need to be reassured. Explain to him that nothing can happen to him and afterwards keep him close to you while admiring and greeting all together, from behind the window, the thunders passing through the sky. The youngest ones can be reassured by telling them some imaginative story such as the one that talks about the clouds which play in the sky: some of them, which are more mischievous, bump into other ones, filled with water, which break causing such a loud noise. Therefore the water falls down and the clouds from up there laugh amused, looking at us who run in order not to get wet.

The oldest ones can instead be helped to face the fear in a more active way. For example, we could try to explain to them that thunderstorms are a fantastic natural show and that there is nothing to fear if we stay inside. And to obtain their curiosity it is often enough to explain to them that the lighting and the thunder are always contemporary, but the light of the lightning is much faster than the roar of the thunder. For this reason, by learning how to count how much time it passes between one and the other we can understand when the thunderstorm is getting further away.

As an alternative, it can be useful to try to "stage" a thunderstorm at home, transforming the experiment in an amusing game which can accustom the child to get familiarized with thunders and lightning. A big metal bucket used for garbage, for instance, rumbles almost like a thunder if beaten with a wooden stick. It is also possible to try to stage the approaching of the storm by slowly darkening the room and imitating the flashes of lightning with the flash of the camera. And afterwards we can stage the removal of the storm by illuminating the room again. With a little fantasy it is therefore possible to help a child to overcome his fears and transform a bad thunderstorm into an amusing and curious game.

Thumb in mouth, a sweet consolation

They already attend infant school, they are three, four, or even five years old. And there are many of them. There are many children of this age who still suck their thumb. They do it if they are tired, when the teacher has scolded them for some reason, every time they miss their mum. In short, in all the difficult moments during the day, their thumb is there, within range of their mouth, ...to console and to comfort them.

After all, how else could it be? Suction is the most natural action there is: scans show the foetus sucking his thumb when he is still in the womb. Once he comes into the world, this gesture is a great substitute for sucking his mother’s breasts, capable of comforting him when his mother is not there. And this continues even when the child gets older, when the weaning phase and the progressive separation from the maternal figure and the domestic environment put the child in a position where he feels a bit lonely and in difficulty. His thumb, is in short a bit like a Linux blanket, a "piece of his mother", which helps him to feel less lonely and more protected. It is not, nevertheless, a good habit. Also for the inevitable consequences on how his teeth grow. A child’s palate at this age is very supple and the habit of sucking a hard object (like a thumb) can cause his top front teeth to protrude, and damage the shape of the palate that becomes too narrow for the growth of his second teeth. Besides, the child can come into contact with germs and micro-organisms when he sucks his thumb, and also irritate the skin on his thumb.

It is therefore necessary to get him to stop. Some parents resort to drastic methods such as putting unpleasant tasting substances on the child’s thumb: this ranges from bitter varnish (like the type that is used to stop nail biting) to chilli pepper or garlic. Often, however, the need to suck is stronger than the bad taste and the result is that the child will grow up with a sense of frustration and anger. Also prohibitions, punishments and scoldings accompanied by humiliating sentences such as - "stop sucking your thumb like a baby..."; "shame on you, if your friends could see you..."– they will cause a sense of insecurity and helplessness in the child. A child who sucks his thumb, is looking for comfort when faced with a difficult situations or when he feels lonely, and should be supported, gratified, filled with respect and affection.

Before deciding what action to take it is important to assess, first of all, if the moment is really the right one: if the child it going through a change, due, for instance, the birth of a little brother or his first days at school, it is better to put it off for a few weeks. It is important, also, to explain to your child that sucking his thumb can have consequences on his health and ruin his teeth. With regards to the action to be taken, it is necessary to consider different and specific interventions. During the day, when sucking his thumb is due to his boredom, it is important to distract the child offering him games and toys that keep his hands busy. When he goes to bed it is possible to invent some "reassuring alternatives": a lullaby or a bedtime story, for instance. You can also agree on some progressive objectives – one day without his thumb, two days without his thumb… - where you can reward him, not with games and toys, but with gestures of love and affection: an afternoon in the park with his mother, a ride on his bike with his dad, a weekend at his grandparents or his favourite dessert. These are rewards – and this is important - that reassure him with love and affection from his mum and dad. Rewards that make the child understand that, even if he has grown up, his parents are always there with him, there for him. Freeing the child from his fears and insecurities is the first step towards helping a child to stop sucking his thumb.

Kids need limits

Refusing to buy that toy – yet another – that the child likes so much, setting a precise time when he can watch TV, getting him used to brushing his teeth after eating dessert. All parents know: setting rules that children don’t like is difficult and it is tempting to leave things as they are. Because it is hard to say no and it is hard to make them respect the rules. Especially after a long day at work, when the thought of "spoiling" the few hours they have with the children arguing about rules and regulations is decidedly disagreeable. But now that the child is growing, it is important to confirm and to make the children respect those few, essential rules that you have tried to establish over the last few years.

A child needs limits and boundaries, just as he needs to play and to let off steam. Rules are an essential reference point to creating a child’s personality: during these years when he is maturing and starting to face life that the child starts to look for certainties. These come mainly from the affection of parents, that is not shown with a present, given sometimes to compensate a sense of guilt, but with hours spent together in the evening, reading a book or playing, sat on the floor, or a weekend in the park or at a museum.

Certainties are also acquired however through rules that "forbid". Rules that are not to be considered as negative elements within the relationship between parents and children. Rules, on the contrary, are for a source of security for a child: without them, a child will never know his own limits, neither now nor when he is an adult, and he will grow up insecure and undecided, not respecting the principles of cohabitation imposed by a normal social life. For this reason it is essential to hold your ground, even when he whines and protests. Furthermore, rules have to be few but good in order to be effective. Prohibiting everything is useless, it is better to focus on what is essential (going to bed early, watching only one hour of TV a day and so on) and to be less inflexible on the aspects that we consider as secondary.

Also the need to deny something that is desired, so difficult to sustain in front of a disappointed face, must be considered as an important growth and education opportunity. Don’t give everything immediately – so the child has the possibility to learn to relinquish or wait to ‘earn’ what his wants - allows a child to discover that not everything should be taken for granted and that it is necessary to work hard for what they want. The strong motivation that a child reaches with this process – which is at this stage focused on a toy – will turn out to be essential for his future life when his school work, sport, good social and sentimental relationships all start to become important. Teaching a child that he has to work for what he wants, means bringing up an adult who is capable of taking on his own responsibilities today and tomorrow, and achieving his own objectives in life.