newsletter Feb06

the newsletter, Aug 2006

The most important suitcase

Never in a hurry, never at the last moment. The suitcase that will accompany you to the hospital for the birth must be prepared with care and well in advance: at least two months before the established date. Already at the seventh month in fact it would be a good idea to start making a list of the things to prepare and to collect them in a drawer or in a wardrobe. After the eighth month, it is a good idea to keep the suitcase ready to be loaded into the car: not always "the last moment" arrives it should. It is better therefore not to risk forgetting, between one contraction and another, something quite necessary.

Contrarily to what you might think, it is not necessary to kit out an enormous bag: nowadays post-birth hospitalisation lasts on average 3 days. It is important, nevertheless, to find space for the mother's clothing in the suitcase, plus that of the baby and the hygiene products. Let's see what the main things to take include. For the mother it is advisable to put all the exams taken during pregnancy, her personal documents and the national health card in a pocket in the bag. For the birth and after birth she will need 3 nightgowns, which open down the front so that nursing is easier; 1 cotton or wool dressing gown, according to the season; 2 or 3 bras specific for nursing with openable cups, they should be purchased one or two sizes bigger than the ones used during pregnancy; 1 open cardigan or a shawl; 2 or 3 packs of nursing pads; 1 pack of tissues or cleansing pads to clean the nipples before and after every feed; 1 tube of cream to help the elasticity of the nipples and to prevent rhagades; 3 packs of disposable or net panties; 3 packs of large sanitary towels; 1 elastic girdle to support the abdomen after the birth; 1 post-birth tummy band with in the case of a caesarean birth; 1 pair of slippers, 2 pairs of cotton socks; 1 bag for dirty laundry; 1 pack of paper toilet seat covers; 1 intimate cleanser and, naturally, a beauty case with personal products.

For the baby on the other hand, one suit will be needed for the labour room. All the rest will be needed for the stay in hospital. It is therefore useful to prepare three or four separate bags, each containing one complete change of clothing for the baby, so that you can use one a day. In any case the baby's items must include : 3 vests or underwear, in cotton or in wool according to the season; 3 rear opening shirts; 3 cotton baby smocks for the summer and in wool for the winter; 3 pairs of soft socks; 3 towelling suits; 3 pairs of towelling panties; 3 towelling leggings; 1 wool cover for the winter or cotton for the summer; oil, cleansing milk and ointment to prevent any irritation; rounded tip scissors and a hair brush; a hat; a cardigan a padded suit and a pair of woollen shoes if it is winter, and finally, for him, a cute teddy to welcome him. Nearly all hospitals provide nappies, netting, elastic gauzes for the umbilical cord. In any case, however, be fore preparing the suitcase it is best to inquire at the hospital where you intend to give birth: customs, the organization during one's stay in hospital vary from structure to structure.

Once the list of the essential things is ready, you won't risk forgetting something that is not essential but certainly useful. If you bear in mind that labour can last for several hours, it can be useful to take some water and something to nibble like crackers, biscuits or toasted bread. For the joy of the after birth do not forget your pocket phonebook with the telephone numbers of the people who you would like to give the news to. Also find some space for a video-camera or digital camera and a notebook and pen: they will allow you to immortalize the first moments of life with your child and to write your thoughts, your first amazing exciting moments as a mother on paper.

Sterilization without worry

So tiny, so defenceless. When one speaks of baby just a few months old, one cannot but consider him to be fragile and vulnerable. Which is partly true. The defence system of a newborn baby is not in fact completely developed and his organism is not always able to effectively fight the harmful microbes present in our houses. For this reason, everything that comes into contact with the mouth of the baby - from the teats to the baby bottle, from the soother to the gum massager, from teaspoons to cups - must be disinfected, with the objective of eliminating the possible presence of viruses and bacteria and to avoid the risk of intestinal infections. A premise is, nevertheless, essential: a newborn baby doesn't need to live in an antiseptic environment. A limited presence of germs in the objects with which he comes into contact is not only inevitable but even useful and necessary: in fact, it helps to activate the mechanism through which the body of a child develops and strengthens his defence system. To avoid problems it is therefore sufficient to follow some basis hygienic rules that prevent the bacteria from multiplying out of control.

Disinfecting operations are essential from the first few days until around the sixth or seventh month. The methods used to sterilize objects are essentially two: cold sterilisation, thanks to the action of some bactericide substances, liquid or tablets, to be dissolved in the water in which the objects are dipped in to sterilise them; hot sterilisation, exploiting the disinfectant power of heat. In this latter case the baby bottle, soothers and teats can be placed in some water to heat on a common stove, in a container inside a microwave oven or in an electric steriliser that creates steam. The choice between the cold and hot method is entirely personal: the former also assures the possibility to disinfect objects when there is no stove or electricity, the latter offers the advantages of being inexpensive and quick. There is no need to purchase bactericides and, according to the size of the containers, within 8-15 minutes, you can disinfect 3 to 6 baby bott les, ready to use during the day. To maintain the sterilization of the components simply re-screw the top leaving the teat inside the bottle.

It is important nevertheless that the need to assure correct hygiene to the child doesn't become a reason for anxiety for mothers and fathers. The health of a child is not guaranteed by the total absence of germs in the surrounding environment but by a "correct" relationship with them. A relationship based on excellent, but never exasperated, hygienic habits which support the good defence system of the child. Defence that a child can and must acquire over time on his own. Thanks to a correct diet and a healthy life style. But thanks also, and above all, to the possibility to gradually enhance, through a controlled but inevitable contact with the world that surrounds him, the tools he needs to learn to grow and to protect himself in suitable and self-sufficient manner.

Practical, safe and fresh: the summer clothing for a baby who is just a few months old has to respond these three main features. At the sea or in the mountains, in the hills or in the city, the main rule is that small children must be protected from the heat and from possible climatic changes. And, naturally, they must wear safe and comfortable clothing: a child that crawls, rolls over, walks, falls, plays whilst eating and eats while playing can not, and should not have to worry about "elegant" shirts and trousers that can get dirty and...about mothers who suffer from anxiety unless they see a clean and perfect child.

This doesn't mean nevertheless having to give up on quality. On the contrary, the first rule when choosing summer clothing for children is the respect for the quality of the materials, that should be in natural fibre (cotton, linen and silk), to allow the skin to breathe and they should be hard-wearing, so that they can put up with daily "solicitations" and innumerable and inevitable washes. Something not to underestimate in the choice of clothing is the quality of the finishing touches: the seams have to be soft and well stitched so as not to mark or irritate the child. Irritation that some children with more sensitive skin can also suffer due to labels: it is better to cut them out before putting it on the child. Pay attention also to the colours that can stain with sweat: to avoid this inconvenience choose clothes that have been treated with anallergic dies.

Among the garments to be taken to beach and to the mountains to protect the child from the sun and the wind, don't forget a hat, that has to be a light colour (dark colours attract the sun rays), very light and made from natural fibres: otherwise you risk creating a "greenhouse effect" that can heat the baby's head exposing him to the dangers of a heatstroke. At the seaside, but also at home and out in the street, the child should be covered as least as possible, to avoid him from sweating, which when in contact with the skin, can irritate him. A bathing costume at the beach, therefore, while at home he can wear a vest and nappy. When you go out, rather than dressing him with clothes which are too "heavy" for the season, it is preferable and much more practical, to dress him in "layers", so you can add or remove a layer when necessary, or when for instance you move from the house to the car, from the car to outside, from outside to a store with air conditio ning. Practicality is so important in the mountains, where the climatic changes are often sudden.

To make changing him more simple it is recommended to choose garments with press buttons, shirts which open completely down the front and jumpers with buttons on the shoulder. When dressing the baby don't forget to also consider his need to be independent. Give him clothing that allows freedom of movement and which does not limit his sense of touch: the more a child is covered, the more he is isolated from the world. And, as months pass, remember that the accomplishment of independence also includes dealing with : zippers, belts, small buttons and closings on the back which are all difficult tests to overcome. A pair of trousers with an elasticated waist, shoes with velcro fastenings, a t-shirt he can pull on and he is all set. To be able to learn to dress and undress on his own, a child must have be put in the position to be able to try and try again. Until he accomplishes success.

There is nothing more "unnatural" than for a child to be afraid of water. After having spent nine months "absorbed" in the amniotic liquid, there is no better environment to make a child feel at ease. The distrust towards water is, therefore, almost always induced: by negative experiences, by the anxiety of the parents or by both these things. But, in any case, induced. This fact should not be forgotten, when you are having to deal with his tears, his fear, his presumed "whims" at bath time or simply when he is invited into the sea. If a child is afraid, it is necessary, above all, to accept his fears. To come to understand, with respect and humility, the reasons that induce him to estrange himself from an experience that should, on the contrary, be instinctively accepted.

Try to see things from his point of view: when you are least expecting it, rivers of water that flow from the shower head to submerge your face leaving you breathless, the waves of the sea arrive without warning and they overwhelm you making you stagger and, furthermore, mother and father seem sometimes to fear the consequences of the dangers that come from the sea. With these premises, there is reason to be afraid, there is no doubt about it. It should also be said that sometimes one meaningless negative, direct or indirect experience for a child, can be enough to refuse with insistence any possibilities of approaching water. An excessively impetuous bath, the scene of a film or a cartoon that reveal the dangers of the sea or a common "dunking" in the sea water, can be enough to create fright and incomparable fears. There is often then the added problem of the limits placed by the parents: "be careful, don't get wet", "don't enter the water it is too cold" , "don't go far it is dangerous". It is difficult for a child to understand when a limit is no longer valid, when it is legitimate to swim, when it is really safe to enter the water.

How can you help him to overcome his fears? What is certain is that forcing him, reproaching him or worse still laughing at his fears won't help the child overcome them, but will push him to hide his feelings due to his fear of being mocked. When a child is frightened by the sea water or his daily bath, you should explain to him simply that there is nothing to fear, that he just has to "get to know the water" to become his friend. Start therefore from the beginning. At the seaside you can for instance propose games and building sessions on the shore, that foresee the use of sand and water. Don't forget then that with children, an example is worth more than a thousand words. Choose a day when the waves are not too high and walk together with the child and your partner on the sea shore sprinkling each other with water, and then involve the child, when his level of enthusiasm allows him.

The same exercise can be done in the house, during bath time, without worrying too much if some drops of water end up on the floor. Once that the child is wet try getting into the water with him. If you are at the seaside it is important in this phase that can count on low tides to avoid the child from being suddenly covered by the water. When you bathe hold him in your arms and move slowly. Avoid, naturally, showing him your worry if the level of the water suddenly rises: once the child has gained greater confidence, it will be up to you to drive him and to sustain him, with security and boldness, in his small steps forward. Without asking him, nevertheless, for useless proof of his courage. The fears must not be used as a chance to grow, but considered as an aspect of growth. And since a child can be helped to grow, but you cannot force him, it is necessary in any case to respect his character and his times. Also and especially when dealing with the assim ilation of events, experiences and communicated fears.

More than just shy

They become red when they have to speak, they are embarrassed even by just a hello, they remain on their own watching the other children playing, divided between the desire to participate and the fear to ask. This is what shy children are like. Introvert, timid and loners they arouse a sense of tenderness, and by doing so worry their parents. But there is nothing more self-defeating than a parent that liquidates the shyness of his own child as "just part of his character". And there is nothing more "dangerous" than a parent that is worried by this shyness. A worried mother and father almost always tend to simply find a solution to what they consider to be a problem. With the risk, however, of underestimating the need to search for, before acting, the reasons that are at the origin of the problem.

Shyness is not an illness to be afraid of. And it is not even a "matter of character" to underestimate or to welcome with tenderness. Children are not born shy, they become so. It is true that research has confirmed that there are higher probabilities for a child with an emotional temperament to be shy, a child who is more sensitive to external stimuli, that reacts with less control to daily experiences. But that same research confirms that the family and environmental conditions are conclusive in the development of shyness, whose true and main origin must be sought in the lack of self-respect, in the lack of confidence in himself that allows the child to face the judgment of others. To overcome insecurity is possible, but it is essential that the adults that surround a child know how to provide him with the useful and necessary tools.

Let us start therefore by learning to listen to our children; let's teach our children to express their own feelings, even the more negative; let's accustom them to seeing the positive side of the experiences that they live; let's educate them to look for solutions and not to give up in difficult situations. Let's support them in their difficulties, let's give them help and practical suggestions when they seem not to know how to overcome the insurmountable problem of becoming part of a group. Let's create the right occasions to allow the child to go to the park, games areas and other friends' houses. Let's organize meetings with others of their own age. In short, let's make sure that the child is able "to practise" socializing. Keeping control, in these occasions, of our emotional involvement. Something conclusive in the accomplishment of self-confidence is, in fact, the reaction that parents tend to have in front of a shy child. To spur him to overcome his shyness, to repeat to him that he is a shy child, to continually invite him to "to play with the other children", to constantly postpone the need "to change and to improve" will result in confirming in the child the existence of a problem and emphasising his sense of inadequacy. Attitudes that can contribute to decreasing a self-confidence which is in itself shaky. For the same reason, comparisons with friends, brothers, cousins or worse still with his mother and father are totally self-defeating. "You are not like your father", "When I was your age I was a terror" are all sentences to avoid because the distance that they create between a parent and a child is enormous. A distance which is difficult to bridge and that will never allow the child "to reach us" and to feel accepted and loved simply for whom he is.

A shy child simply needs parents that know how to transform a child unaware of his own potentials into an adult who knows how to face the world counting solely on his own capabilities. From the point of departure and that of arrival there is a slow and complex growth process that the parents are called on to encourage and support. Which means giving the child the certainty he is accepted for what he is, recognized as an individual, loved unconditionally. Whatever his merits, his faults and his shyness. Nothing makes a child more insecure than the feeling that he is not as his mother or father would like him to be. Nothing will allow him, on the contrary, to trust himself more than the trust and the respect of his parents, whatever his character, his inclinations or the results he succeeds in achieving. This is the secret of success. In an optimistic and positive attitude that puts those great and small in the condition to recognize that being "self-confiden t" doesn't mean at all costs proving that one is brave and extrovert, or affirming oneself someone else's merits and faults. All it takes is to be determined and aware of what one is. With one's own limits and all one's innumerable potentials.

The importance of the family

It is never easy to educate a child. It is not, above all, when his growth imposes choices and assumptions of responsibility which are difficult to assess until the moment arrives when you have to come to terms with reality. Take for instance family relationships. If, up until yesterday we were able, with greater freedom, "to escape" from intrusive in-laws or a not particularly nice sister-in-law, the condition of being a parent forces us to review decisions and behaviors. The family, intended in a more extended manner, represents the place of belonging for a child, of sharing and of security. The place in which he can discover the importance of his own family "roots", the rituals and symbolic routines, the habits and the traditions. It is within the family context that children can experiment the dynamics of relationships, of exchange, of the development of affections and feelings. A chance to grow that the child has the right to receive, to understand and to experiment. Whatever the likings and contrasts that may have marked the relationships of his own parents with their family of origin or with the acquired one.

From 4 years onwards children begin to recognize in the family and in its components a comforting shelter based upon experiences and shared affections. Grandfathers, uncles and cousins are welcomed by the child as an entity, different of course from his mother and father, but the nearest to him who are "extraneous" to the family nucleus. It is in this phase that the perception of the first similarities and differences between his grandparents and his parents allow every child to individualize in his closer relatives that bond of affection and knowledge that only belonging to a "family" is able to give. To encourage a child in this natural emotional evolution, to assure him a wide family context, to allow him to freely see his grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins means giving him the possibility to live his own family history and to feel an integral part of a past and a future. It means to allow him to experiment the well-being which comes from an oasis of security and protection that, in a moment of need, can turn into a presence and support. For a child it is something which has no comparison. An opportunity to grow up happily that all parents are called upon to give to their child.

Why not organize therefore some nice days to spend together with some close relatives, try to allow the child to have the chance to see his grandparents and aunts and uncles, forgetting for a while any misunderstandings and quarrels. Only particularly serious reasons can justify the choice to deny your children the right to see their relatives. There is, in the memories of many an adult, the joy of childhood family parties, the awareness of being a child surrounded by attention and affection, the fun of afternoons spent with uncles who wanted to play and cousins ready to get up to some tricks. When faced with the right of a child to live the same happy experiences we lived, the reasons of an adult, as understandable as they may be, always have to be considered after those of the child.