newsletter Feb06

the newsletter, Dec 2006

Little thoughts for a great Christmas

The Christmas that is about to arrive is different. As always it has the taste of ancient values, of a tenderness that only childhood memories are able to arouse. But this year it brings new feelings and sensations: the joy of becoming a mother, the awareness of life that is changing, the impatient wait for a baby. And, a festivity that is based on the "birth" of a child makes it even more the reason to enjoy it to the full. It is common however that mothers in perfect shape decide not to spend Christmas with friends or away from home due to the unjustified fear that this could harm the health of the baby. In actual fact, if the pregnancy is being carried forward without any problems, there are very few rules: no excess, a balanced diet and a lot of rest. After that, a little precaution and common sense are enough to guarantee that both mother and child enjoy a really special Christmas.

If your desire is to spend the festive period among traditional torch ski runs and snow covered mountains, the suggestion is to simply follow your own inklings. Without overdoing it, obviously: don't expose yourself to sudden changes in temperature, pack your suitcase with thick padded clothes, made sure that the place you have chosen for your vacation has adequate medical structures, use your common sense when choosing the activities you take part in during your stay. Avoid skiing and all other sports where there is a risk you may fall: you will have a multitude of reasons for being excited this Christmas, even without risking the ski slopes. You could for instance choose a place for a "romantic" holiday at least on New Year's Eve, your companion and you, alone: in the years to come there will not be many other occasions for the two of you alone, at least at first. Better to take advantage of it now.

Parties at the house of friends or relatives are the ideal solution for those who remain in town for Christmas: they will be a great opportunity to see people without getting excessively tired. If nevertheless there are no invitations, don't be afraid to ask friends and relatives to organise the lunches and dinners this year or, alternatively, ask them to share the work with you...without feeling guilty: a child will need parents capable of recognizing their own limits and capable of sharing. Once you have decided where to spend Christmas, dedicate some time to caring for your body and... mind. Give yourself a small "gift", a perfume, a cream, a massage, or just a little rest to dedicated to your thoughts and your favourite pastimes. Choose your clothes carefully, the traditionally festive colours such as red are fine. If you wish, don't hesitate to add a touch of elegance: one thing that cannot be missing this Christmas is enthusiasm, something to give you and your emotions an unrivalled happiness. But happiness it is well known, also refers to good food and a more "generous" dinner that usual is an irremissible ritual of Christmas. Bear in mind however the limitations that have to be respected. Avoid therefore eating raw or lightly cooked fish, meats and cured meats, check that the vegetables are washed carefully and limit sauces and gravies. It is pointless reminding you that a baby does not need to smoke or drink alcohol...through your body. For a child, after all, it is necessary to sometimes forsake your own "desires". Which also includes for instance the New Year's Eve celebrations with fireworks: the foetus does not like loud and sudden noises or deafening sounds: it would be best to choose a "theme tune" for your baby's first Christmas which includes Christmas carols and hymns that, on the contrary, assure calm and serenity. The arrival of such an important Year, after all, doesn't need the "bang" of fireworks in order to be celebrated: the strength of a common and shared love is already enough for the child to be able to "hear" the sound of an incomparable emotion

There are those who had dreamt of expensive vacations and luxurious gifts. And those who thought that Christmas had become a boring festivity which had lost its natural magic. But today, with a baby tight in your arms, everything seems different. The emotion of Christmas is a timeless fable, that doesn't need expensive gifts to become a legend because the most simple and profound values in life outlive all and any material assets. Now we can return to looking at Christmas through the enchanted eyes of a child, a festivity that had given us, as children, unforgettable sensations. Because, today we have an extraordinary privilege: to be able to give to a child, for the first time and forever, those same emotions that have marked our years as happy children waiting for Christmas.

Our time, our attention, our serenity must be dedicated to his joy and his emotions. And, to allow children to discover the joys of Christmas it is necessary to involve them, to let them take part in the preparations and the waiting. Even when they are tiny. Just a little effort is needed to arouse unforgettable emotions and to cheer newborn babies. All children are attracted, for instance, to by lights, colours and merry tunes. Don't forget to decorate the Christmas tree, the Manger and the windows with many coloured and flashing lights, so he can watch them from his mother's arms and live a moment of true wonder. It is pointless buying expensive gifts for the baby – and prevent disappointment – as they are more attracted by the glimmering paper and the box than the toy inside. Prepare lots of gifts under the tree with coloured paper - red, yellow, gold, silver – as long as they shimmer, and with lots of ribbons that are easy to undo.

To increase the surprise effect, try putting one box inside another so that the child enjoys opening more objects. Put some little bells and tinkling objects in the boxes to arouse his curiosity on the origin of the sounds.

Tell them fairy stories and fable in true Christmas style and accompany their days with carols and hymns. Children listen and memorize even when very small and this will remain the "theme tune" of their childhood, and their serenity. Don't forget, to conclude, that in all children, including newborns, the sense of smell is one of the most developed senses. Try therefore to "circulate" all over the house the perfumes which are so typical of Christmas: from the smell of some classical decorations to the perfume of the Christmas cake or biscuits that you cook in the oven. It will be an unforgettable memory that will remain forever in the mind of the child, perfectly capable of associating that smell to an unforgettable moment of tenderness and well-being: a magic that only Christmas knows how to create.

Beautiful but dangerous toys, decorative but poisonous Christmas stars, amusing but risky fireworks. To avoid trouble it is better to put a little effort into making yours a "safe" Christmas. An effort which is necessary especially when there is a baby in the house who is anxious "to touch" Christmas but who is unaware of the risks that surround it. To allow children to discover the magic of Christmas means without doubt involving them, allowing them to participate, in the preparations. But it is important not to forget that their safety and their wellbeing are the top priority whatever the "event". Even Christmas.

Pay attention therefore what you put under the tree: check that the game you are buying carries the EC trademark, buy toys of quality materials and in any case comply with the recommended age range.

Games and toys must not have removable parts that can be swallowed or inhaled. When buying electrically powered toys make sure that they carry the IMQ, Quality Brand Institute trademark, and that they only work with a low power external adaptor fitted with an emergency cut-out device.

Never forget that there is a very small child in the house, incapable of recognising dangers. Prepare the nativity manger with statues that don't have small removable parts if he "tastes" them. Choose an extremely stable and light tree, that is not dangerous in the event that the child should knock it over. Choose plastic baubles, avoiding glass ones and watch out for the luminous chains (garlands or illuminations) you use to decorate the tree: they can turn out to be very dangerous if they don't have the safety mark and do not conform to the regulations provide by the Italian Electro-technical Institute.

Also in this case the only guarantee is the Quality Brand Institute certification (IMQ), that carries out a series of safety tests on the lights before they are put on the market. Then to conclude remember to position the lights and electrical decorations at a height that the child can not reach and always disconnect the plugs before going to sleep.

Children should also be kept at a distance from the Christmas Stars: ”tasting” them can be extremely dangerous. The leaves and the stem of the Christmas Star contain triterpene, which is a toxic substance, both in relation to contact and ingestion. The latex, which comes from the laceration of the leaves or cuts in the stem, can cause erythema, itching when in contact with the skin, burning of the conjunctiva and oral and pharyngeal mucous and, if ingested can cause nausea, vomit, diarrhoea and loss of conscience. Keep "excessive" eating of food to a minimum. If you have already started weaning the child or he has been eating on his own for a few months, pay attention to his "temptation" to taste everything on the table when with relatives and friends. A bit of panettone, a square of chocolate, a few nuts: though it is indeed "amusing" to discover how the child reacts to the new tastes, this is not sufficient to anticipate the types of food he sho uld eat or ruin his Christmas with stomach ache. A great party is above all a safe party. And, a safe party is above all a party that does not put the child into danger for the fun of the adults. Even when the moment comes to let off the "fireworks" on New Year's Eve. Over the last 10 years fireworks and bangers have killed 25 people, among which 7 children, and caused over 10 thousand injuries, more than one thousand a year. If you truly cannot do without them, at least buy safe products: check the instructions on how to use the product and that the label carries the ministerial decree that authorizes the sale of the same. If the adults that come to your party cannot do without fireworks and bangers, keep the children at a safe distant from the window or balcony chosen for the firework show, reminding the children that courage is shown in other ways and under other circumstances: there is no need to greet the arrival of the new year in danger.

It is in childhood memories that the magic of Christmas is most lived. And the magic of Christmas is also, for smaller children, the toys to be unwrapped under the tree. Pay great attention, however, to what your buy, because even the most harmless of toys can hide dangers and hazards. This confirmed by the paediatric hospitals which, every year, see the arrival of thousands of children, due to inhalation of extraneous objects, burns or wounds - bruising to the limbs and joints. Accidents which could have been avoided, because they are most often caused by unsafe toys.

Check, first of all, that the toy you are buying carries the EU trademark, obligatory in all the Countries of the European Union on toys destined to children from 0 to 14. Buy toys of quality materials: a toy that has been produced incorrectly can break, create pointed edges or deform. Also respect, in any case, the recommended age range: something that is safe for a determined age group can be extremely dangerous for another. In the case of rag or plush toys make sure the eyes and nose of the dolls and teddies are firmly fixed and that the seams are well sewn: small children just love exploring the content inside toys, putting them in their mouths and...destroying them. Check therefore that the toys and removable parts are of a size that cannot be swallowed or inhaled. Avoid, also, toys with points and sharp edges or, at least, check they have been opportunely hemmed. For plastic toys, choose products in ABS, which is more expensive but not inflammable.

It is best to avoid electrically powered toys, choosing battery operated where possible: one of the greatest dangers, within the home, is represented by electricity. If nevertheless the time has come to give presents such as train sets or small irons, make sure that they carry the IMQ, Quality Brand Institute trademark, and that they only work with a low power external adaptor fitted with an emergency cut-out device. Pay attention also to the gears of mechanical toys that must be well protected and not accessible to children. Toy weapons must be used only with the bullets supplied by the manufacturers. Curtains and toy houses must not have automatic closures (zippers or press buttons) and their supports must be in plastics, light and easy to assemble. It is always a good idea, to conclude, to check that the packaging on the toy carries the name and the address of the manufacturer, warnings and instructions for use, also in Italian: it will be up to you to e xplain to the child how to use the toy safely and it would be difficult to protect his safety if you do not understand the meaning of the instructions.

For what concerns the choice of the "right" toy, there are very few rules. Carefully evaluate the desires of your child and his general preferences, without paying too much attention to the conventional and virtual division between toys suitable for little boys and those for little girls. Bear in mind the age of the child: a game which is "too difficult", that the child can not enjoy will not only be a great disappointment, but also make the child feel inadequate in public. Check the true technological level of a toy: sounds and special effects should not be the most important element. A toy which is truly suitable for a child is a toy that requires direct participation by the child and one that leaves space to develop his imagination and creativeness.

The dilemma of the toy weapons

Zorro who unsheathes his shining sword to protect the weak, the sheriff that grasps his gun to defend the city, Robin Hood who shoots arrows to free the poor men from the oppression of the avid tyrant. These were the heroes interpreted once upon a time by children. Heroes, unquestionably, "armed". Where it should be said, the weapons simply had to be shown in order for the story to guarantee a happy ending. It come spontaneous to ask oneself therefore: in the context of today, where violence has unfortunately become a daily "vision", in which the heroes are not always positive heroes, is it right to give children a toy weapon at Christmas? The answer is not simple.

It is as always a question of learning to manage the difficult balance between the desires of the children and the need to provide them with fundamental values. Values on which their growth and future as calm ... and peaceful adults can be based.

During this phase in life children primarily live their games as a moment of socialization and comparison. Which is why their favourite activities include group games and, among these, those which allow them to express their more authentic feelings such as rivalry, the desire to win, their anger and, naturally, aggressiveness. Nothing bad in this. Aggressiveness is part of a long series of emotions that children have to learn to express. It must be said nevertheless that the reality of today is completely different from that of the past: what appears daily on the tv screens is not the fairytale story of a good hero that uses a sword to leave, almost playfully, his own mark on the jacket of a sergeant. Real people, adults and children are seen on the television and in the newspapers holding rifles and guns, fighting wars or violent situations that leave dead and injured lying on the ground. In this context there is a high risk that the aggressiveness express ed with a toy weapon primarily represents an emulation of negative characters, that in time can develop into a violent personality. Something to be avoided at all cost.

It is not a matter nevertheless of universally banning all toy weapons but, if possible, to stimulate the child to use the destructive and self-destructive component of his energy in a positive way. In this sense try and choose weapons that somehow allow the child to experiment his defence and attacking skills together with his limits and his own qualities. Among these there are for instance swords that associate the battle with a more constructive sporting value that, in the long run, can become predominant and encourage the child to practise a sport which is useful for his psycho-physical development. The same can be said for archery, that requires among other things great concentration and a good dose of self-control: essential qualities to become balanced and winning adults. Avoid the use of guns and rifles that limit the imagination and creativeness and have no other scope but to kill people or animals. These are violent actions that have no constructi ve influence on the child. This also applies to machine guns that with one press on the trigger create violent images and do not help the child to understand the concept of movement; - which on the contrary is the effect created by the sword and arc that require articulation of movement and reason in order to be used.

Certainly it is not easy to say no to a child. This is so under any circumstances, never mind at Christmas, when the letter to Father Christmas hides the hopes of the child to see his dreams come true, unaware of the reasoning of adults. The solution is, as always, dialogue. Children simply need clear explanations. And then, naturally, also some "no's". Just as final, but always motivated. A "no" must not in fact simply be an expression of a negation to stop him from asking. It is necessary to learn to listen to your child, to give him the possibility to explain to us why he wants the toy, what the real reasons are for wanting a gun rather than a sword, to make him understand that we understand his desire, explaining to him however that it is not possible to get everything we want. It is futile to dwell on explanations that, however correct, a child would never be able to understand. With children facts speak louder than a thousand words. Offer them therefo re, alternative values, reasons that increases self-confidence different conditions but just as interesting. Toys just as marvellous but harmless which they can enjoy just as much and learn over time that courage, strength and aggressiveness can turn into enthusiasm and self-confidence. Vital qualities in order to realize one's dreams, using the sole "weapons" of intelligence and love for life.

When Christmas is..."separate"

Christmas, a festivity to be shared with the family. How to imagine it in any other way? Yet they are increasingly more children who, at Christmas, have to come to terms with the pain and the difficulties of a separated family. A difficulty that, nevertheless, parents have a duty to resolve, to help children overcome as far as possible the moments of melancholy and sadness that comprehensibly occur.

The task is not always easy. First of all it is necessary to avoid arguments with one's partner, at least during these days of festivity. Try to postpone things to a more opportune moment, try to keep away from subject that can easily result in an argument, limit the possibilities of confrontation. Both parents must relax the tension.

Moments of melancholy and hurting will be experienced: your children will live them, as you will live them. Try therefore to limit them where possible. That doesn't mean, nevertheless, pretending that nothing has happened, or hiding from the pain. It is important, on the contrary, to allow the children to speak, to establish a constructive relationship with you, consisting in understanding and mutual respect. Without, nevertheless, dwelling in the pain, or "taking advantage" of the dialogue to discredit the other partner or to find out about his or her life: "what plans does mummy have for Christmas?" "Who did daddy spend New Year's Eve with?", "What do grandmother and grandfather say?". The risk is that the child will be so afraid of hurting one or the other parent that he will lie and develop accordingly a sense of guilt that will mine the relationship that every child has to be able to maintain both with his mother and father. It can be difficult, especi ally if the split-up has been difficult, but parents have the moral obligation to protect the psychological balance of a child. And for this honesty, understanding and, naturally, coherence is needed. Also and above all when the desire for retaliation of a parent risks jeopardizing the educational consistency that a child needs to grow up happily. For instance, there are occasions where children become something to fight over for the Christmas festivities. A battle that mothers and fathers fight using gifts, privileges and allowances: "I want to spend Christmas with dad because he lets me do what I want", "Mummy buys me more beautiful and expensive gifts". In both cases thee only victim is the child, disorientated by the sudden lack of rules and regulations, where the momentary joy of receiving "more" soon disappears into a void, which can only be filled by the sincere and disinterested love of a mother and father.

A child doesn't need expensive gifts at Christmas. He simply needs understanding, someone to listen to him and love. He needs parents that know how to give him serenity, together. It is certainly not a question of changing one's choices, but simply trying to put aside, at least at Christmas, one's own needs, one's own reasons, to look at things with the eyes of the child standing next to you. If the relationship with your ex companion is serene, and this is the first Christmas apart, consider for instance the possibility of spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day all together. There could be no better present for the children. If however Christmas will inevitably be spent apart, help the child to face this new experience: prepare him in good time, talk to him about it, share the planning of the days that he will pass with one and the other parent. Reassuring him , in any case, on the fact that the separation of his mother and father does not mean that eith er are leaving him. Take advantage of this period to spend time together: suggest some amusing games, a film to see together at the cinema, a walk just the two of you ... and no-one else. Not even your partner: abandon the idea for now of presenting them to the children. Christmas is already enough in itself to arouse too much emotion in a child, difficult to manage, difficult to remember in the future.