newsletter Feb06

the newsletter, Feb 2007

The second pregnancy

No pregnancy is equal to the one before. The body changes in the way it deals with the pregnancy, the psychological structure of the mother changes, even the family context changes. The presence of a first child also puts the woman in a different situation compared to the first pregnancy: the need for rest and self-protection must be reconciled with the requirements of the first-born and his need for reassuring attention. The equilibrium must therefore be sought for carefully and calmly, drawing advantage from the previous experience, taking into consideration the demands of the older child but respecting, in any case, one's objective limits.

The first proof of how every pregnancy is different from another is seen in the changes of the body: the tummy, for instance, is visible earlier on, as the muscles in the abdomen are more relaxed following the previous pregnancy.

Something that makes it possible to recognise the movements of the foetus quicker and more easily. The privilege is also sustained by a sensibility that is inevitably amplified: a woman who has already experimented the evolution of a pregnancy is without doubt more able to capture the signs of the pregnancy and to also perceive the minimum movements of the baby. During the second pregnancy, in fact, the discomforts so typical of the nine months tend to decrease. Very often in fact, some of them, and particularly nausea, are also caused by the anxiety that substantially accompanies an unknown event. This time, the birth is not so frightening, because one knows what it is, what to expect, enough experience has been acquired to decipher the disturbances, pains and contractions. Mothers, in short, are more prepared and it is therefore easier to live the experience with less apprehension. The benefits are notable: less anxiety means it is possible to manage the situation better, which can still lead to doubts and uncertainties. Comprehensible, but most often unjustified fears. If during the first pregnancy it was necessary to have a caesarean, this doesn't mean that the situation has to repeat itself for the second birth, which has a good chance of being natural. Delivery and labour times are also shorter, thanks to the tissues which become more elastic after the passage of the first baby; it lasts on average 4 or 5 hours compared to the 8-10 hours for the first birth. Nursing will also be easier: the milk will come sooner thanks to the greater sensitivity of some glands and it is not rare that some mothers who had to bottle feed the first child, can experiment the joy of nursing with the second.

The changes, however, are not only physical. Don't forget that a small, if not tiny, baby is there to wait for the arrival of a little brother, and he is not able to understand all the aspects of such a complex event, full of expectation and emotion for the mother and father.

A baby who has the right to feel "unique" even within a large family. His right must be respected but it is useless denying the fact that your availability will have to take into account the possible complications caused by the pregnancy, the fatigue during the final months, the demands of the new born baby. The first step is therefore not to deny the existence of the "problem". For you and for him. Put aside your senses of guilt, accept your limits, individualize the priorities in every circumstance. The only way to reconcile your compelling demands with those of the first-born baby is to share your joy with him. Speak to him, tell him about the changes, explain to him that soon he will have a little brother or a little sister to play with, encourage his curiosity. When the tummy starts to grow and the foetus starts to move, the pregnancy will become more evident and therefore, also for him, more "comprehensible". Allow him to take part in the transformati ons of your body, allow him to caress and "to listen" your tummy, explain to him that it is heavy and bulky. Remind him that you also waited these nine months for him. And that also for him you needed rest, attention and, above all of the love of the people that surrounded you. Although you may think it is impossible, however small your child is, he will know how to understand your needs.

Simplicity and scale. These are the principles to keep to when it is time to organise a party for small children. Even more so in the case of the christening, a ceremony that combines the religious value with the traditional dimension of a party with close relatives and friends. With respect, in any case, for the needs of the guest of honour: a small child who has the right to his own primary requirements and his need for tranquillity.

It is therefore better to avoid organizing a party in great style with hundreds of guests: there is not much sense in such an exaggerated celebration. Not at least for the child who, besides, would end up getting bothered by the excessive confusion. A family party with relatives and friends is therefore preferable to a large reception party. The preparations can commence in advance, starting with the invitations, to be certain that the child has all the persons who love him around him on the day: a phone call or a hand written note will be enough. When choosing the godfather and godmother, the decision is obviously personal: there is no obligation to ask members of the family. According to Christian principles the chosen persons should represent for the child someone capable of accompanying his mother and dad in his education, someone who is present and has the right aptitudes, and it is important therefore that the decision is taken with exclusively this i n mind.

When choosing his clothes, go for simplicity and tradition: if it is a custom in your family to hand down the christening gown to the "latest arrivals", there is no reason not to follow in this tradition, something which will greatly please the grandparents. If this is not the case, white remains the main colour, especially if elegantly decorated with blue or pink patterns. The same applies to the floral decorations: white flowers without exaggerating. They are not essential in the church and during the refreshment place some in the centre of the buffet tables. With regards to gifts, you can simplify matters for the guests with a small "birth list" in a specialized shop, whilst if you wish to give bonbonnières, you could think of something useful to give the guests together with the classical sugared almonds, pink or blue according to the gender of the child. Or you can decide to devolve the same money to a charity which, for instance, deals with child problems.

Sobriety and scale also during the celebrations: to greet one another and spend some time together, a buffet brunch, if the appointment is in the morning, or refreshments at home, in the afternoon will be fine. In his own environment the child will be more at ease and it will be also be easier to face any of his requirements: his feed time, his nap time, his possible anxiety in front of so many people. If nevertheless you have problems of space, you can ask the grandparents or relatives if they have a larger apartment, or you can rent a small room near the church, or see if the parish provides rooms for families after the ceremony. Add some coloured balloons and some festoons here and there and that's it...you have a party. Nothing else is needed to make this a memorable event. What is essential is that the child perceives the love and affection of those around him. So that this day is also a party for him.

From extra-virgin olive oil to grated cheese: seasonings have an important role in the weaning of a child. They are precious allies needed to "to convince" the child to abandon the sweet taste of the milk, they are essential elements in a diet, capable of providing the child with all the nourishment he needs to grow and develop. Nevertheless, also when introducing seasonings, like any new food, it is important to take into account the needs of the child, who must be allowed to experiment the new tastes little by little, without haste and in relation to his individual pace.

Let's start with cheese. Grated and well seasoned it represents a good source of calcium, essential element to strengthen bones and teeth, and proteins, necessary for the development of the tissues in the organism. Thanks to its digestibility properties it can be added to a child's diet from the start of weaning. Alternatively it is possible to enrich his food with cheese without preservatives and with a lower fat content, specifically researched for feeding young children.

Also oil can be proposed immediately and without side effects. Provided that, however, it is extra virgin olive oil, that is from the first pressing of the olives and not subjected any to chemical treatments ore refinement processes. Its properties are a must: it regulates the intestine and bowel movement, it prevents circulation problems, it protects the cells from aging and helps, thanks to its fatty acids, the absorption of important vitamins by the organism.

During the first twelve months, it is better to avoid adding salt or sugar to baby food, so that the child gets used to the natural taste of the foods. Same limit for butter, rich in vitamin A but also in saturated fats, not recommended for smaller children: it should only be used after the 12° month, in reduced quantities and not before introducing cow's milk to the child's diet. To conclude, the use of margarine is not recommended, as it is the result of a processing of vegetable or animal fats and for this reason is not suitable for young children.

We remind you also that all foods, also therefore seasonings, need the prior approval of the paediatrician before giving them to a child. Once you have the OK, it is necessary to take into consideration the needs of the child, who often needs time to accept and to appreciate a new taste. If it is natural to joyfully participate in the progress of a child who eats with a good appetite, it is just as important to respect his times, his needs and his tastes.

Introduce new seasonings a little at a time, in small doses, as this is the best way to allow the child to get used to the new tastes and it is also, among other things, a good preventive measure: if you propose one food at a time and in small quantities, you will be able to understand what foods cause any possible allergic reactions in the baby.

The love for reading has no age. The earlier you begin, the easier it is to capture the attention and the curiosity of children: the main point is to choose good books, children's magazines and comics. In order not to make any mistakes, bear in mind that, during this growth phase, colours, figures and sketches still have an important role because they allow the child to visually follow the story, to relate the image to a specific role of the characters. And to associate forever the memory of a story, imagined through the voice of his mother in a moment of tenderness and serenity.

The first suggestion is to surround the child with books. Coloured, full of pictures, to read through together, to play with, to familiarize with and get confidence with. The important thing is to choose the titles well. Children of this age like stories that talk about animals and the stories of children their same age and what they do in their daily life. For this reason many books dedicated to this age group are designed to be a form of support for the parents in the education of the child, facing, in amusing ways, topics and matters that are often important in the life of children: the fear of the dark, the jealousy for a little brother, the protests before going to bed, the change from nappies to a potty, the tantrums.

Fables are of course recommended for all ages: stories which are usually fiction and for this reason stimulate the imagination and the fantasy of children. Also rhymes, children's poems have without doubt an important educational role: the sentences in rhymes are easier to memorize and to associate to the meaning of the story and to the memory of an emotion destined to survive forever.

Avoid reading stories that reproduce violent situations or images, with danger or fear, and also some comic strips and children's magazine, if the pictures or contents are not suitable for smaller children: the simple misadventures of the little dog 'Pimpa' are better than the heroic enterprises of a super hero who is ready to defend a reality which is too distant from that of a small child. The final important presupposition when choosing a story is, naturally, that it ends well. Children don't need "realism". They need to believe in dreams, to believe in the most remote possibilities in life, to think that the reality in which they live can bring surprises and great emotions.

And it is this need that can induce a child to ask you to always tell him the same "magical" story for weeks or even for months. Respect in any case his choice, leave him to choose the book to read together. During the story however allow him to participate in the reading and not simple be a passive listener: allow him to see the pages of the book, point out to him the characters, make him learn their names. Read with enthusiasm, creating the voices of the characters and using mimicry to emphasis what happens. A story is not only made of words. The tone of the voice emphasises how the story evolves, mimicry gives strength to the story and different voices to the different characters: these are just some of the small expedients that will help to stimulate even further the creativeness of your small listener. Don't forget, in any case, to dedicate a special moment of the day to reading, such as before bedtime, and choose a quite corner of the house, away from other sources of distraction such as the television, the stereo or the computer. A wonderful book to be read together, with mother and father, after supper, is an appointment that no child can refuse. And it is one of the most beautiful gifts that can be given to a child.

The battle with the tooth brush

Consistency, patience and...imagination. Virtues you will need if you want to educate your child from the beginning to respect his appointment with his tooth brush and toothpaste. Something indispensable considering that prevention is the best solution to maintain a healthy mouth without fillings over the years. It is not always an easy mission and, the only way to make it acceptable for children is to turn this boring task into a game.

Starting with the "instruments": no toothpastes that "tingle", use those studied for children, with higher doses of fluorine, a more pleasant taste and no risk in the case they swallow any. There is a wide range on sale: strawberry, banana or candy flavours, the important thing is that they don't contain sugar to avoid the formation of decay. Choose tooth brushes that encourage the child to use them: coloured, in funny shapes, with anatomical handles and small compact heads to allow the child easier access to all his teeth. The most recommended are tooth brushes with nylon bristles and with anatomical ends to avoid wounds to the gums that will certainly induce the child "to miss" his next appointment. Avoid, for the same reason, natural bristles that, besides the fact they do not clean as deep and lose their bristles, they can injure the tissues of the mouth and constitute a fertile area for bacteria. Also the hardness of the tooth brush must be appropriate for the delicate mouth of a child: bristles which are too hard can be aggressive on the gums. Better therefore to opt for a soft tooth brush that doesn't cause any pain during brushing.

With regards to the instructions on how to use them, there are no substantial differences from those applicable to adults: it is best to wash your teeth after every meal, without haste, using vertical movements and without applying too much force. Explaining this to a child is not simple. It is not simple, above all, that he starts to follow these rules, which he may find incomprehensible. It is necessary therefore, as always, to adopt some strategies. The "tale" of the microbes as small invisible animals that threaten our mouth can, for instance, turn out to be useful in making him understand that it is necessary to wash his teeth after every meal to avoid these risks. Provided that, nevertheless, useless and self-defeating alarmism is not created: the obsession for cleanliness can become extremely harmful for the psychological wellbeing of a child in the long run. It is just as important that the child does not live the moment of personal hygiene as a duty or a kind of punishment which, comprehensibly, he will try to get out of. It will be very difficult in such cases to see him race towards the bathroom on his own to wash his teeth after dinner. To involve him it will be necessary to aim at two possibilities: his desire to feel grown up "imitating" adults and his desire to discover, on every occasion, the playful aspect of things. The truth is that often also the mother and father live the duties of personal hygiene of the child as a tiring obligation to be resolve as quickly as possible, "surviving" battles and protests. On the contrary, to educate a child one needs time and understanding. If the child realises you are not in a hurry, that you dedicating time to him, that you are prepared to explain to him and to teach him calmly what he has to do, he will learn quicker. Always give a good example therefore, take him to wash h is teeth with you when you get up from the table. Wash your teeth with him, ask him to imitate your movements, challenge him to a competition: "the one who brushes his teeth for less than two minutes loses!". Children love a challenge, much more than any rules.

Meetings with the teachers

A "bugbear" for the least industrious of students, a "superfluous" duty for parents. This is how meetings with teachers are so often considered. Nothing could be more wrong, obviously. Taking part in teacher's meetings means cultivating a constructive relationship with the school, an important reference point for the growth and the education of a child. An essential relationship if you want to help the child to overcome possible learning difficulties, and if you want to know what his limits, his abilities, his needs really are.

What often is not clear, is that the periodic meetings foreseen with the school are not an appointment during which a teacher passes judgment, more or less negative, on the scholastic performance of a student. Neither is it an occasion for the parents to check the ability or incapability of a child. It is on the contrary a moment of evaluation, in which mothers, fathers and teachers have the opportunity and the duty to exchange information. To reciprocally provide, that is, information that allows the family and the school to support the child and provide him with a serene and balanced childhood. The fact that a child is doing well or not at school is not "objectively" important. It is essential, on the other hand, to understand the reasons that induce him not to study or to refuse with his attitudes a reality other than the family. Scholastic difficulties are not always due to the real incapability of a child, or his personal learning limit. The hostility towards scho ol does not always derive from the simple desire to get out of his commitments and duties. For some students the low scholastic performance is often a sign of uneasiness. There are many ways of expressing the uneasiness and the reasons that determine it can be many, but the solution, always and in any case, is achieved with the understanding of the adults and their determination to want to resolve a problem without going beyond what is apparent. A student who has difficulty in concentrating at school needs the teacher to check with the parents if he has the same difficulties also outside the scholastic environment. Equally a child who studies well, but is reticent, timid or shy, needs teachers and parents who try to understand the reasons for his attitude and who, together, manage to understand what strategy to take to help him, in the future, to become a serene and not simply educated adult.

Looked at from this angle, meetings with teachers takes on a fundamental value. And the way they are handles is just as important. Put aside to start with the comprehensible instinct every parent has to automatically stand up for their child.

Try, on the contrary, to objectively describe your child's character, including his faults and the attitudes that may make him appear less "likeable". In any case, try and trust the teacher and, as soon as you notice anything in you child, ask for a meeting with her to find out her point of view and to understand, above all, if the problems depend on learning difficulties or there is something that is upsetting him. Also in this case in fact, it is necessary to understand how much truth there is in what your child tells you. "I don't like school", "the teacher shouts too much", "my class-mates make fun of me", "the teacher hates me": are these just excuses or is there indeed a problem? To find out you have to open the door to dialogue: with the child and with the teachers. Ask the child for explanations and then calmly talk to the teacher about his problems, without showing any prior judgment or taking sides and, above all, showing interest to find a soluti on together. Without ever forgetting that, whatever the reality that you discover, nothing will be resolved by scoldings or punishments.

And do not tell the child about your conversations with the teachers: the meetings between adults have to remain between adults. Otherwise there is a risk of giving a child responsibility and privileges that can turn out to be self-defeating. A final tip: avoid criticizing the teacher in front of the child. Confirming his own convictions will not help you or him: the teacher is an important reference point for a child and to feel he has her approval and affection is important and, in any case, an essential ambition for every small student.