the newsletter, Jan 2006

newsThe incognito of the good news

There are those who cannot wait to give the good news to relatives and friends and those who discover they want to preserve the news as a precious moment within their own life as a couple. The reactions when faced with the news of a pregnancy are different and all legitimate. They have in common just some “formal” doubts which are easy to solve. When to give the news? Who to tell first? When is the right moment? As always, when dealing with matters which concern love, rules do not exist. As far as time is concerned, in some families there is still the habit of sharing the joy after the results of the test simply with relatives and closest friends, and then give the news to others after the positive result of the first scan, foreseen for around the eighth week of pregnancy.
Family habits, therefore, and not rules. What is indeed however common in couples who are about to make the announcement of a pregnancy is a kind of guiltless prospect in relation to the effects that the same announcement could cause. Elated by the joy of being on the brink of becoming a mother or father, one often forgets that, as in every situation in life, what for someone is a source of immense happiness can, in some cases, be for others cause for reflection.

It is wiser therefore to prepare oneself, “placating” to a certain extent the enthusiasm and taking a little time to make some considerations. Which does not mean under any circumstances “undermining” the event. But simply taking into account and respecting the possible “strange” effect that the good news can have on friends and relatives. Normally the first people to be informed are the future grandparents. Organising a dinner with them can be a good moment to break the news in a calm, friendly context, and is without doubt the most suitable to share in a calm and exclusive way such an important event. Certainly - and luckily - the cases of parents who do not rejoice for the happiness of a son or a daughter who are in turn becoming fathers and mothers are very rare. Nevertheless it is this fact of looking at one's own son or daughter with different eyes that, in some case, a slight melancholy or a veiled nostalgia is aroused. Nostalgia of a “child” who no longer exists. Of a “control” that disappears. Of a son who is increasingly less a “son” and who is increasingly more distant from the comforting arms of a father or a mother. Becoming a grandparent means having to review one's own position as a parent, one's own individual position in society and even one's own expectations towards one's children. And it takes time to assimilate all of these emotions. Time and understanding that only a son or daughter, who discovers what it means to love from now his or her own child, can offer in turn to their own parents.

Also among friends the reactions can be unexpected and sometimes even disappointing. For a woman who doesn't have children, for instance, or, even more so, for those who are still single, a friend who becomes a mother is a friend who loses some of her freedom, who calls herself out in some way from a reality she had belonged to until then. The idea that can accompany therefore the good news is that probably the time and the space for sharing and complicity will be greatly reduced. Bringing up a child requires time and sacrifice. And probably in a mother the desire to spend light-hearted evenings or days with her own friends will decrease, to leave space for a natural desire to share other emotions, other joys, other occasions. “Other” daily routines, with “other” people.

Even more delicate is sharing the news at one's work place. In many cases maternity can be considered an obstacle for one's work commitments and professional growth and the news can even turn out to be damaging, especially in cases where the contract is precarious. Nevertheless the announcement can be postponed for a few weeks, but certainly not postponed further considering that the pregnancy will soon become visible. It is worth it, therefore, to pluck up your courage. Bearing in mind that it is often in the work environment, where we pass most of our day, that we can receive attentions, support and complicity which are quite unexpected.

 

 

It is love that makes a “family”

Initially considered the foundation of our society, then disputed and finally re-evaluated. The family is, today as in the past, the nucleus from which the future well-being of our children is created. There is no adult who does not find in the family he grew up in, the roots of his own serenity or his own uneasiness. And there is no child that deserves to have to forsake a family that safeguard him from uneasiness, guaranteeing him all the love and affection he needs. Whatever it is and whatever form it has. There are no institutions, juridical recognitions or economic requisites that can determine the most intrinsic value of a family. There are no “visas” or authorisations which legitimate the most significant meaning. There is only one family. That in which a child feels loved. That which is created and grows privileging above all the value of love and sharing. That which on this love and sharing is capable of building, for the future a child, his world of love.

“He's your brother”. “He's your father”. “She's your mother”. These are expressions deprived of any meaning for a child if the words are not associated in his imagination to a confirmed and shared feeling of affection. He doesn't know what marriage, natural family or blood relationship mean. Nor what anthropologists, legislators or psychologists think about his family. But he knows without doubt what love means. And he knows if he is also part of that nucleus of people that surround him with love.

A child doesn't need much to grow up happily. The economic stability of his parents is not an important matter. Neither is the social identification of his family. Even its “composition” doesn't matter. That it more or less conforms with the standards legitimated by society does not bother a child at all. The only stability he needs is emotional stability. The only composition that interests him is that that which allows him to count on the presence of persons who love him. The only essential identification is that which allows him to recognize his “own family” in the values of reciprocity, of understanding and love.

To favour a child in his interpretation of the value of a family, his natural emotional evolution, assuring him a family context in which there is no lack above all of love, generosity and tolerance means offering him the possibility of taking with him through to the future, all the emotions lived during his childhood, to confront himself during all phases of his life with his “own” family history and what it has been capable of giving him. It means allowing him to belong to an island of security and protection that, in moments of need, becomes a presence and support. It means to give him that world of love in which to grow and to become a man or a woman. A world that has no boundaries, or limits, that fears neither comparisons nor judgments, but that survives only in the serenity and in the love that a “family” knows how to give a child. And, when faced with his right to serenity and love, the reasons of adult and society, however comprehensible, are in any case called on to take a step backwards.

 

 

A playroom of...words

He is small, tiny but he can not mistake the voice of his mother. He recognised it long before he was born, when in the darkness of his mother's tummy, it represented, together with her heartbeat, the sweetest of company. Difficult to forget. Difficult to live without the comfort, the reassurance and the tenderness that that voice knows how to arouse. Difficult, above all, to learn to speak without listening to it. Talking to the baby even if he cannot understand, means helping him to win the battle of speech. To neglect his need to receive incentives and emotions, to underestimate his emulative ability, means, on the contrary, to interrupt a relationship of communication. And with it the beginning of an emotional relationship which is so necessary for him to grow up happily.

A child likes to listen to his mother's voice. Even when he is very small, even when he is not capable of attributing the true meaning to the sentences. Words, after all, are not simply a series of syllables put together to form a concept. They have a much greater value. A meaning that goes well beyond their lexical function: they can communicate emotions and tenderness, anxiety and aggressiveness, affection or distrust. It all depends on the sound, the rhythm and the tone with which they are pronounced: a sweet tone can for instance represent for a child the prelude to meal times or night time or, more simply, a hug. An irritated tone, on the contrary, will hardly be associable to serenity. To make sure your words communicate to the child comfort and reassurance, is without doubt the first rule to follow. The second is “to communicate” often. Don't allow the days you spend with him to pass “without words”. The “sound” of si lence doesn't convey emotions. It is not comforting, it doesn't bring happiness. It doesn't help to discover the feelings that derive from words or to assimilate, as time goes by, their meaning.

The adults that live near a child have, on the contrary, a vital role in the development of his speech. On the condition, nevertheless, that this occurs without forcing the child and that their position is always a step ahead compared to the objective already reached. It is no use therefore to obsessively ask the child to repeat the words, as it is self-defeating to elect “baby talk” as the family language. It is not important that the child understands the meanings of the words or that you understand what he is trying to say with his first stammering. The only truly important thing is to talk to him. Always and in every moment of the day. Even when he is in his cot, apparently disinterested in what is going on in the world around him. Even when it can feel strange “chatting” on your own. In the kitchen whilst preparing lunch, in his room while you are dressing him or during a walk, always point out to him people and objects with their r eal names, speak to him using short sentences and pronounce the words clearly. Start by “telling” him what you are doing with him: “now Mummy is going to dress you, first she puts on your t-shirt, then your trousers etc...”. Then try to widen the conversation to aspects which refer to your activities, even if these don't directly involve him: “now mummy is preparing your milk”, “now let's put the sauce on the pasta”, “here is dad home from work”. Read to him stories and fables during the day, choose “talking” games, or those which involve the association of words and music to colours, shapes, letters or numbers, listen or sing together some songs that establish relationships between words ("water is warm", "a red red apple, a yellow yellow fish..."). For a long time it will be a monologue, but be prepared to capture the signal of his first attempts to "answer" and give him time to intervene. A word, a smile. A word, a st ammer. The first moments of a dialogue that will mark over the years a relationship built on love and security.


A room in which to grow

A child that is growing needs space: first of all to learn to walk, to play and later to study. That is why the secret for organising his room will have to respond, from the very beginning, to three decisive factors: flexibility, safety and practicality.

Factors that must also be taken into consideration when, having the possibility, the moment comes to choose what room to give the child. Choose a room which is set apart, quiet, well-aired and bright that can assure good rest and enough space to play. Also in view of him taking his first steps it is wise not to use fixed carpeting, which is difficult to wash and easily collects dust and mites. A parquet, marble or ceramic floor is much more preferable, and so much easier to clean.
The wall paint or wall paper must also be washable: go for light and restful colours, and decorate with a Greek frets or typical patterns for children. In the choice of the curtains it is wise to choose window or draw blinds: long and draping curtains gather more dust and can represent a danger for the more vivacious children.

In order for there to be space in the centre of the room for the child to move around freely, the furniture should be quite minimal: a bed, chest of drawers and a wardrobe. In any case the most suitable material remains wood, treated with natural and non-toxic varnishes and paint. The finishings must be perfect, without inaccuracies in the joints or splinters in the wood, and the fastener screws must be boxed and smoothed off. Pay attention to edges and corners, that must be rounded off, and to the position of the lower furniture and chairs: never near the windows, the child could climb onto them...with serious consequences.

With regards to the cot, the distance between the bars has must be a maximum of 6-7 cm to be sure that the child can not get his head stuck between the rungs.
Two suggestions with regards to practicality: choose if possible cots with drawers and at least two wheels. The first provides extra space for sheets and bed covers, the second is most convenient when cleaning the room and when it is necessary to move the cot to other areas of the house. Also the eventual presence of a second extractable bed is a possibility to bear in mind to give the child the chance, in the future, to have friends stay over.

To conclude, a soft and coloured large rug, a large picnic cover or quilt you no longer use is essential: whatever the solution, the child has to find space in the centre of the room “a protected area”, in which he can play together with you in safety and comfort.
The use of a playpen on the other hand is not recommended, except in exceptional cases, where however the solution must be proposed with due attention so that it is not perceived by the child as a kind of punishment. As time passes, you will also have to find room for his toy boxes in the bedroom. The following step is often represented by the assembly of a “miniature” desk and chair, to provide the child with a surface for playing and drawing.

At the beginning nothing more is required: less things there are around, less obstacle there will be during his first attempts to learn to walk. Once the general safety of the furniture and furnishings has been checked, then take a look at the details. Don't forget for example the socket covers, that complete insulate the power socket. With regards to lighting, table lamps or floor lamps are not recommended as the child could be attracted by the electric cable which plugs into the socket. Night lights are however very useful and can be applied directly in the socket: they switch on when it gets dark and switch off during the day. Have you really thought of everything? One last suggestion: if you have glass doors and long windows, “give yourself” one less worry: protect the glass with a self-adhesive transparent film: in the case where the glass is accidentally broken, it will hold together all the splinters of glass, protecting the child from the risk of hurting himself.

 

Self-esteem is nourished by love

The support and love from parents. But also the possibility to experiment that one can make mistakes in life and, immediately later, start again. These are conditions that a child needs in order to grow up with a good level of self-esteem. Without forgetting in any case that, for both children and adults, being “confident” does not mean having to show the courage of a lion, or affirming oneself with merits and faults which are not one's own. All it takes is to be determined and conscious of who one is. With all one's own potentialities and limits. To teach this to a child is not simple.

It means transforming a child who is unaware of the value and the meaning of the abstract concept of “self-esteem”, into an adult who is certain he can only count on his own possibilities also during the more difficult moments in life. Between the starting point and the finishing point there is a slow and complex growth process that the parents are called on to support and to sustain. Which means, above all, to give the child the certainty that he is accepted for what he is, recognised as an individual, loved in an unconditional manner. Independent of his merits and his faults. Nothing makes a child more insecure than the feeling that he is not as his mother or father would wish. Nothing will permit him, on the contrary, to trust himself more than receiving the trust of his parents.

You must encourage therefore his attempts to experiment and to discover things. Allow him to discover his own limits and his own attitudes, allow him space for his creativeness and his desire to express himself. Motivate him by entrusting to him some small responsibilities, such as for instance teaching a smaller child to draw, to walk, to ride a tricycle. It will help him to free himself from his own individual role as a learner, and take on the role - so similar to that of the adults–of a capable person, with the duty, even to teach. Emphasise in any case his qualities to him, valorise his personal potential, help him to discover his natural gifts favouring, within limits, his abilities.

A child needs nothing more in order to become a confident adult. He needs nothing more than to feel he is understood, accepted and loved by the “adults” that surround him, whatever the results is succeeds in achieving. Severe criticism, an excessively anxious attitude, a continuous reminder of the need “to do well and better” risk creating around the child an atmosphere of expectance in which he will end up feeling more and more inadequate and incapable. For the same reasons also comparisons with friends, his brothers, his cousins or worse still with his mother and father are self-defeating. “You are not like your father”, “When I was your age I already...” are sentences to avoid because they create enormous distance between a parent and a child. An unbridgeable distance that will never allow the child to “catch up with you ” and to feel himself rightly considered for what he is. By you and himself.

When faced with difficulties a child should simply be helped to accept, first of all, his own errors and his own limits. Failures are a part of life, but in life - for children and adults – it is from these failures that one starts again to learn how to do better. Only by rebuilding or cultivating his self-esteem, can a child be motivated to face the difficulties that he is living. This is the secret to success. An optimistic and positive attitude that put children and adults in the condition to focus on the problem and to identify the correct way to resolve it.
With effort, but without anxiety. To discover together that to become a confident and aware adult also means to accept and to recognize, always, one's own limits and own mistakes.

 

Growing up amid limits and freedom

Sleeping over at a friend's house every Saturday. Demanding the latest mobile phone. Spend an entire afternoon in front of the TV. Right or wrong? It is difficult for a child to decide without living an unacceptable feeling of having to give something up. It is difficulty to understand in an clear manner the reasons that make some behaviours, from whatever angle, unacceptable. It is difficult, above all, to conform “spontaneously” to rules which are mainly seen as an action of domination and limitation established by the adult world. It is certain however that, in order to grow, a child needs to experiment, to get acquainted with and gain freedom. Freedom to choose and even to make mistakes. Nevertheless each achievement has its risks. And it is up to the parents in any case to dissolve them. With the final objective of conveying the child the ability to distinguish, autonomously, the importance of shared values and limits.

The ability to understand what is correct and what is not, belongs to children from their first years of life. But the passage to full awareness of values and acceptable behaviors occurs more slowly among successes, defeats, clashes and negotiations. During a long journey where a child, destined to become an adult, must be put in the condition of being acquainted with reality, to form his own identity, to feel more self-assured. “Severe” education is not needed in order to teach all this to a child. He simply needs an education that is the result of constant dialogue and that nevertheless takes into consideration the possibilities the child has, whilst still small, to recognise the most correct direction to take.
We cannot ask a child not to get dirty when he goes out to play with his friends, as we cannot expect that he respects a limit that he is not able to understand. It is no use pretending that he doesn't' watch the nth cartoon or that he is not attracted by the latest range of mobile phones. Helping a child to grow doesn't mean simply looking after him, “training” him and then worrying about him. It means also worrying “for” him, watching over him, making some choices for him that he is not yet able to understand and therefore to make himself. Choices that will assure him a happy future and healthy development.

It is necessary therefore to make a small amount of effort, to find the patience to put an end to his whims, not to surrender when faced with the fatigue of imposing some no's. And not to allow his own educational efforts to be neutralised by the trends of the moment or by the reasons of others. Every parent is responsible for his or her “own” children. He is responsible for their well-being, their serenity and their choices, even those that will be made in future adult life. And it is only in the courage of assuming today, the responsibility for “one's” children that those choices will reveal themselves to be “right” for them tomorrow. Our children need “our” rules and “our” limits in order to grow stronger and more self-assured. A spoiled child is a child who was not “given” the possibility to actually face the world that surrounds him, to learn how to reach an agreement with reality, to understand that his freedom has some limits and that life is built on the balance between his own desires and the possibility or the opportunity of achieving them. A happy child, on the contrary, needs rules and adults who know how to use their authority with coherence and courage to make him obey them. And to know that disobedience will not make him get what he wants, but he will encounter their opposition, their dissent. Decisive and firm. As only the love for a child can be.