the newsletter, July 2006

The wait of an expecting father

 
A star of the show relegated to the side of the stage. This is how a man lives the wait for a child. He has your same fears, your same anxieties, your same doubts, but, on the contrary to you he has no awareness of what will happen and, above all, what is already going on. It is inevitable that he will feel excluded and that he finds it hard at time to tune into your needs, your desires, your enthusiasm. Respect his difficulties, try to speak about it to overcome the distances involving the preparations. But don't force him and, above all don't come to any hasty conclusions.

 
Your partner cannot live this waiting period the way you do. It doesn't depend on his desire or his empathy which may be more or less developed. He cannot do it simply because nature hasn't given him the "instruments" that on the other hand it gave you. A pregnant woman has the support of the hormonal changes, the joy of feeling her child move and kick inside her, she knows that that child that is about to be born is something that already exists. For a man, on the contrary, that child is only a hypothesis of the reality that conditions the present and that is destined to change the future. He has a protagonist role, deprived however of any real possibility of control. Your partner does not receive the attention of friends and relatives, the prenatal courses, if not partially, are not for him, the books and the newsletters are not for him. A man doesn't have any possibility to do anything–as foreseen for the masculine role – so that everything goes for the be st, the baby is healthy, his companion doesn't suffer too much during the birth. Considered things from this point of view it is not so difficult to understand his worried silences, his incapability to comprehend your uneasiness, his difficulty in living the pregnancy with your same enthusiasm.

 
To respect his difficulties is therefore the first step to take. The second is to involve him and to ask him for support in clear manner and without restriction. It is comprehensible for instance that you feel the desire to make him part of the emotion that the pregnancy is giving you. Ask him, if it pleases you, to take you shopping or when you go for a scan. But without, nevertheless, turning it into an obligation. Don't force him to spend hours and hours looking at strollers and rompers or to take you to every appointment. His presence is useful, but not essential. As always, in these cases, talk to him, talking is the only essential matter. Very clearly explain to him how your pregnancy is evolving, make him part of the ongoing changes, reassure him on what is happening. Yes, because often the apparent lack of involvement of the partner, as in some cases an exaggerated apprehension, is mainly due to a need for "reassurance" regarding this unknown event. The secret is therefore in your receptiveness to understand, to comfort, to start a dialogue. To discover that after all there is a common idea which is in both your thoughts: the idea of an inevitable and definitive change, of a revolution of the way of life, of a necessary change to the relationship of the couple. A change to be lived as a couple and to be faced, today and tomorrow, by sharing and respecting the limitations, the difficulties, the uncertainties of the other.

 

When the couple starts to play

 
A child changes the life of a couple. A child to bring up knows how to give unforgettable emotions and experiences, just as he is capable of limiting one's freedom, to change the pace and intimacy of a couple. It is important to stop a moment and talk about it. This can help to realise the changes involved, to appraise the value, to individualize solutions for those aspects that, may turn out to be more tiring than was expected. The journey has to be personal, but more or less responds to the most common demands and difficulties.

 
It is not simple to become parents, because it is not always simple bringing up a child "together". The responsibility of a child implicates more than just a few changes. Especially the first few months, organized around feeds and walks, can turn out to be tiring and, in some cases, boring. Then there is the feeling of uncertainty with which one faces the small and more important problems which arise when looking after a child. And one must not forget that the couple mother/baby become the "center of gravity" of every instant of life in common, occupying all the space which was first destined to the couple. In this context it is understandable that initial euphoria soon turns into doubt and perplexity. And it is just as natural one finds it difficult to perceive the emotion and the advantage of a new life in three. Nevertheless, refusing the problem, self-censorship and isolation are certainly the worst answers to the comprehensible need to find, day after day, the happiness that accompanies the growth of two parents and their child.

 
It is hopeless and self-defeating for instance to hide behind the alibi that "it is normal that at the beginning things like this happen": a wrong start can turn out to be difficult to recuperate. It is appropriate on the contrary to preserve, during the first few months, some space for the couple, where even the baby doesn't even have the right of access. A space where feelings and emotions, time and complicity are the only central features: the best way to build as a threesome is not to forget the joy of there were just two of you. And to face this matter it is necessary to learn to how to share and to start to play with unselfishness. From both a practical and moral angle. Sharing your doubts with your the partner is necessary and the only way to reorganise the allocation of duties and responsibilities with the objective of gaining freedom and rest for both. To do this in a constructive way it is necessary to be ready to put one's own needs and the certainties of a man and a woman on the line There are no predestinate roles within a couple, and no duties pertaining exclusively to one or the other. Two parents have to be able to contribute effectively to the r unning of the family. And the effective way is never pre-arranged. It is the one which, day by day, according to the situation, is able to assure to you and your child greater serenity. Don't therefore be afraid to ask.

 
The first exercise of a neo-mother is to accept her own limits, her own tiredness, her own vulnerability, her own impelling need for help and support. A support that should requested from the partner, before anyone else. The main point is, nevertheless, that your requests are always clear and direct. For those who have never lived through maternity it can be difficult to understand the tiredness of a mother. At times though a few simple things can resolve the situation. For instance you can ask your partner to help you with the daily chores : to do the shopping, to cook, to wash the dishes. Explain your state of mind to him, try to make him understand that your tranquility will not only help your relationship but also the child. Growing as a threesome, after all, also means allowing the baby to participate in the joys and love of the couple who is nourished by your smiles, your emotions, and your love as days go by. The challenge is not impossible, but it d epends on you. On how much time and sincerity you give yourself. To learn to accept yourself and to understand yourself to recognize the need for a different solution from what you believed was more correct. To go forwards, experience after experience, along the road that makes a father and a mother out of a man and a woman.

Defend his skin from the heat

 
There is nothing more annoying for a small child than being hot, sweaty, and...red. The risk, in the summer months, is particularly high. Children's skin is thin, fragile, lacking in protection by the immunitary system, it is particularly delicate and for this reason can end up, especially in this season, suffering from a variety of problems. The rules to be followed to assure the well-being and freshness of a child are only a few, but they are essential. Let's see what the most common problems are, the recommended precautions, the possible solutions.

 
The most frequent disturbance is without doubt "nappy rash". Despite the name the irritation is not caused by the absorbent materials in the nappy, but from the action of the acid substances found in urine and faeces, where prolonged contact with the skin produces redness and discomfort. Then there is the natural concentration of moisture inside the nappy, intensified by the summer heat, that creates an environment for the proliferation of bacteria which causes consequent irritation. To avoid these problems the main rule remains that of changing the baby often. But frequent changes correspond to frequent baths, especially in summer. And also in this case, to protect his delicate skin, some precautions must be taken. Water, especially if the baby is wet with just urine, is the best substance with which to wash him. If nevertheless, you have to use soap to wash away faeces, use low acid level liquid cleansers. When travelling or on vacation cleansing tissues are very handy, but also these have to be specific for children so they contain substances which are not irritating or alcohol based. Once you have cleaned him it is important to dry the skin folds well to avoid that moisture from weakening the thin layer of skin: pat him gently with a towel without rubbing. Before closing the clean nappy, complete the "nappy change" by applying a thin layer of zinc oxide ointment, that forms a thin defence barrier on the skin helps it to regenerate.

 
During the hotter months it is nevertheless possible that the nappy rash combines with another annoying disturbance called "sudamen". In this case the sweat accumulates inside the pore in which holds the sweat gland. In the skin folds, on the neck, on the temples and on the higher part of the chest the obstruction under the skin causes small itchy blisters on the surface. To avoid the risk of infection it is necessary to cut the child's fingernails short, whilst, to fight the skin irritation, it is necessary to relieve the child where possible and to refresh him with packs of water and bicarbonate. Then, obviously, bathe him often that, in any case will help the child to be relieved from all types of irritations and disturbances.


Taking children to a restaurant

 
Children and restaurants. The binomial is difficult but not impossible. The scenes one assists would certainly put even the strongest in difficulty: refused dishes, desperate running among the tables, endless whims. The picture is not one of the most inviting but, let's be honest, the idea of spending an evening out with friends is a temptation that sometimes is just too much. And, all said and done, there is no reason not to go. What is really needed to win the challenge is only farsighted organization, a strategy to put into practice when needed and naturally...a lot, and we mean a lot of patience.

 
A child will take every chance he gets to put his parent's "resistance" to the test and to affirm his own personality. But they are some who are "more behaved" than others. Public places have particular "charm" for children, because they soon learn that their mother and father find it more difficult to manage their whims in public and they are prepared, to avoid embarrassing situations, to surrender to the child's requests. To transform a nice evening with friends into a total nightmare there is also the matter of the child's needs, comprehensibly different from those of an adult: the good food and conversation are definitely not a reason for pleasure for small children. It is up to the parents, therefore, to learn to reconcile their legitimate need to see their friends, even for a couple of hours, with the plausible needs of a child to live his age without impossible limitations.

 
The first step to take is to organize the trip out in good time and sensibly. If you have the chance to choose the place where you eat, go for a less formal place which has fast service: however hard he tries, a child cannot maintain faultless behavior for hours on end. Better therefore to go for a fast pizza, with ice cream and a walk to follow, rather than an actual dinner. Involve your partner in a preventive "antistress" strategy. To enjoy some evenings with friends you can decide together for instance to take it in turns: "the first half-hour I'll deal with the child and you can chat, then we can exchange", or "this evening we are with your friends so I will deal with the children, next Saturday we are with my friends so you take care of them".

 
Prevention and strategy are also the best weapons for what concerns the handling of the child. Avoid for instance making the child wear, for a dinner out, his most expensive clothes or the ones you like best: you will avoid an evening of sacrifice in the vain attempt not to get dirty and avoid yourself the anxiety of checking him continuously to make sure he doesn't get dirty. Abandon also the idea of forcing the child to experiment new dishes: it is no good pretending that he must eat the dish of the day if he doesn't like it. It is better to resort to the dish he likes to prolong the tranquillity. Don't forget also that children like to feel grown up. Avoid therefore giving him his meal from your dish: a dish just for him will make him feel grown up and he will probably succeed for a while in loosing his desire "to go wild".

 
But a child remains a child and when the moment of being "grown up" passes, he will go back to wanting to play with everything and with everybody. The main point is, then, not to be caught out unprepared. Take coloured pencils and toys to be brought out when necessary and, if you have forgotten to bring them with you, use your imagination: a bread crust is enough to start a story about dishes and spoons. With discretion, however: you obviously don't want the table games to turn into a battleground. Children have in any case to learn the rules of social cohabitation. And, among these, there is also the need to learn how to sit at the table. Keeping in mind, nevertheless, that in order for rules to be effective, the child must be able to obey them : to ask a child to remain sat at the table through a long lunch with adults intent in their conversation means heading for an inevitable failure. It is better to try to compromise, to organise things before the eve ning starts. If the place has a park for instance, you can bargain with the child on the possibility to go and play when he has eaten as long as he is well behaved at the table: "let's go to play for a while after you have eaten your pasta". The agreement must be respected, even if you would rather remain at the table talking. And remember, before you leave the table, to excuse yourself with those present. A good example is worth more than a thousand words.

The value of gratitude

 
Teaching children to say "thank you". The objective is legitimate, but the route, as seen by daily experience, is not so simple. Nevertheless facing this matter is one of the duties of a parent. Only if children grow up with the awareness of some fundamental rules, will they have the opportunity of making them their own without living them as a sudden and incomprehensible imposition. It is an illusion, after all, to hope that children will use courtesy because they are ready to respect social rules of which they cannot understand the value. For a child "etiquette" is a difficult word, an abstract concept, that must be translated therefore into concrete examples and actions.

 
And translating respect and recognition into something tangible is one of the first objectives are without doubt that of teaching children the use of the formula that is at the base of all civil cohabitation: "Thank you".
But "Thank you" can remain a simple term to be repeated to satisfy parents or to avoid their reproaches, or it can become a word full of meaning, repeated because the child has understood its value. After all a child has many good reasons to start using it. For instance teach him that when he receives a toy, a sweet or any gift he has to thank the person who gave it to him, even if it is not really what he desired. Explain to him that the person who gives a present, beautiful or ugly, small or large, chooses it thinking about the person who will receive it and if only for this reason it is necessary to show gratitude. The same applies for a gesture or attention that someone gives us in a disinterested manner. Grandparents who take us on vacation, a friend's family who invite us to lunch, an acquaintance of our father who offers us an ice cream, they expect nothing more than to receive from us an expression of gratitude. A gratitude that therefore has the va lue of a mutual exchange of affection and attention, with the final and common intent of being reciprocally happy. To show enthusiasm and gratitude with the simple word "thank you", is not so difficult. And if the word is accompanied by a smile the effect will be captivating.

 
It will be a good idea, naturally, to actually show children how this "magical word" has indeed the extraordinary power to make people happy. And then, as always, test it to believe it: next time that a friend, an acquaintance or just a neighbour, gives you something or does something for you, give a good example: say thank you without hesitation and accompany your "thank you" with a smile. Except in pathological cases you will receive an equally friendly answer such as "you're welcome". Don't allow this example to go unnoticed. Talk about it with your child and with others in his presence. Show you are pleased to have received a gesture of courtesy or to have received a gift, however small. Finally allow him to experiment the effect of gratitude thanking him if he does a drawing for you or if he shows small signs of affection. Or ask him to do something for you, then thank him and allow him to experiment gratitude. Don't forget, to conclude, that children imitate adul ts and they discover through their behaviors the value of mutual affection and the need to show it. It will be difficult to teach them to say "Thank you" if we don't do the same. It will be difficult to expect good manners not to just be a rule to be followed if we respond to a thank you with an inopportune or indelicate comment. We are the role models for children. In what we say and what we do. Even when we do things without thinking about the consequences.

Being well behaved...is worthwhile

 
Courtesy, respect, good manners. Essential values and qualities, difficult to transmit because they are difficult to understand: a child doesn't have in fact the ability to understand the social value of rules and prohibitions. Swear words and discourteous ways seem to rule nowadays, also among children, and to stop them is often complicated. It is certainly no good asking them where they learnt to behave "like that". At school, watching television, big brothers and, perhaps, even...us. Children we know, observe, they listen and they make all "behaviour" their own. Including bad manners. In any case it is important to measure our reactions carefully: teach a child good manners means, above all, to understand the reasons that induce him not to use them, to help him then, through talking, to recognize them as a great ally.

 
To educate a child means, after all, to give him the necessary tools to gain his autonomy, to establish relationships with others, to enter society. And the rules are, from this point of view, only a secondary aspect. So secondary that alone they have neither value nor strength. To be acquired and respected they must be first understood. Which is not easy. Above all because often youngsters, and not only them, have a strange opinion about good manners. Being "well mannered" is for many children a demonstration of banality, of weakness, of antiquated mannerism. But the truth is that, despite less formal severity, good manners remain an important part of the social integration of today's child, as also of tomorrow's adult. Bad examples are behind the corner and life with other is often made difficult by the inability to know how to recognize the limits that separate "spontaneity" from insolence.

 
It is essential therefore to help children to understand, first of all, that to behave politely is not just a matter of rules, but, a demonstration of how "clever" they are. To say "Good morning" or "Good evening", "please" or "Thank you" means for instance that the child recognizes and respects the other person and, at the same time, simply affirms the right to be respected back: our "Good morning" will receive in exchange a "Good morning", our "Thank you" will receive an equally polite response such as "you're welcome". To ask for permission before entering a room, to know how to listen without interrupting, to avoid continually getting up from the table or making a disturbance, means acquiring the trust and respect from the others who, at the right time won't hesitate to recognize in us a “correct” person with whom to establish a friendship or to whom to entrust something important. It is starting from this aspect that one can try to accomplish the attenti on of children, also playing on the "magical" power of some behaviour and the detrimental effect of others.

 
When faced with the nth swear word for instance the secret is without doubt "to defuse" the strong effect of the "bad word": if its use is casual try to pretend you didn't hear it, continue the conversation as if nothing happened. If however this operation doesn't work or if the child continues to use scurrilous words, the problem must be promptly faced by talking to him, but accompanying the explanation with a firm condemnation against the use of expressions that good manners banish from the daily language because they can offend those who live around us. Pay attention however: explanations and educational reflections will have no value if they are not accompanied by a coherent behavior and by constant commitment. Don't forget that you give an example, in this case as in many others, that is decisive. If you are for instance aware that all too often you slip up with swear words, for instance when you are driving the car, you had better pay more attention. Maybe asking your children to help. Establish a mutual commitment, whoever in the family, great or small, is "authorized" to scold whoever says swear words or ill-mannered expressions. In this way you will double his attention on the respect of a rule with his role of "educator" and this will help him to accept being "told off" more lightly.