the newsletter, June 2006

Mothers' mood swings

 
From impatience to being worried, from endless energy to tiredness, from satisfying peacefulness to sudden crying. The change is almost always sudden. It takes a second for a slight bad mood to come up to disturb the peacefulness of a future mother. Insecurity, emotiveness, nervousness are for a pregnant woman common and understandable state of minds. The cause is almost always related to physical and hormonal issues. But this is not the whole truth. Pregnancy is a decisive passage in the life of every woman. So decisive that to determine in many cases the swing of confused and contrasting emotions is simply the value of this experience. An experience that requires reflection. To recognize one's fragility. To accept one's needs. To learn to share.

 
The main reasons of the variety of moods of a woman in nine months of pregnancy are with no doubt her hormones. The changes are evident from the very first trimester, when the future mother's organism frees the so -called "endorphin", capable of generating a sensation of pleasant well-being. As the months pass the production of endorphin, and along with them the positive effect that comes with it, is reduced more and more until it completely disappears and leaves space to another hormone, "progesterone", which is responsible for good physical being of the pregnancy and the correct settlement of the foetus inside the maternal uterus. It is from this hormonal periodicity that a future mother's physical and emotional instability comes from. And it is in this phase that usually the sudden and ambivalent state of minds appear that characterize good part of the nine months: giving up eating and physical habits, disinterest, insecurity, doubt, lack of sexual desire. Emotional states that, nevertheless, are often highlighted by decisive psychological factors. During pregnancy for example the woman's body goes through a series of evident physical changes that usually generate a deep sense of deficiency and an unconscious fear of not being attractive to their partner. Also a legitimate uneasiness and an event that is so waited as unknown. It is unknown like the pain of delivery which often hides different kinds of fears and anxieties: the idea of losing their status as pregnant women and to have to "separate themselves" physically from their child, the fear of not being at the level as a mother, the worry that the child that is about to be born will not be as one imagined during pregnancy, the embarrassment of publicly experiencing a situation of intimacy and pain.

 
Recognizing these fears, facing them, speaking with others or in more difficult cases, with who can give a psychological support, means to size them inside real limits and taking the first step to find peacefulness again. It is not always easy to learn to experience by ourselves the insecurities, fears, doubts that the idea of a child puts in front of us. We need time and understanding. We must learn to give and take. To understand the value of emotions that we feel, to give space to memories and ideas of the future that inevitably come to mind. To concentrate with confidence and positivism on our and our child's well-being. Give yourself moments of relax, dedicate time to walk, to listen to music, practise artistic activities or read. But without closing yourself up. Ask your partner for help, but ask clearly and directly. Expressing your state of mind without sharing, could not be enough. For a man, that has not experienced maternity and is lost in rush o f daily life, is often difficult to understand the tiredness and the sudden physical and psychological changes of a mother. When you ask for help directly tell him the needs to satisfy, explain what bothers you, what you would like, what you would like to receive from him. Get rid of the risk of misunderstandings and disappointments. And you will discover that, deep down, your fears, your worries, your insecurities are also his.

 

On vacation with a new-born

 
They are waited for, desired, invoked. Summer vacation is almost finally here. Shorter and shorter, according to statistics, but in any case full of expectations of relax and peacefulness. Nevertheless, when we are about to face vacation with a small baby, doubts and worries do not lack. "Where to go?", "Is it better to go to the beach or to the mountains?", "What precautions to take?". At the beach or in the mountains, the lake or hills the main rule is just one: new-borns must be protected from the sun and heat. For the rest, summer has no contraindications and the choice of the place where to spend your vacation is only based on personal preferences.

 
If you have decided to go to the beach, the only suggested renunciations are Exotic or third world countries, for which specific vaccinations are necessary and it is preferable to wait. If possible choose a place with a nice background full of vegetation and which is ventilated, where the baby can have his fresh little corner for the day. In any place the most important thing, in any case, is to protect children from the sun and from the risk of sun burning. So it is necessary to avoid taking walks and going down to the beach in the hottest hours, between 11:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m.. The child should be put under the sun umbrella, remember that even indirect sunlight and sunlight from behind clouds represent a risk. His skin, which is very delicate in the first months, must always be protected with a specific high protection sun screen for children. Do not forget his cap, it must be light-coloured (dark colours attract sunlight), in natural cloth and very light. To facilitate skin perspiration even all of his clothing must be in natural cloths (cotton or linen), though at home a t-shirt and a nappy are sufficient. It is important to remember that a new-born sweats much more than an adult because his body surface is much higher than his weight. For this reason it is useful, in the hottest days, to double th e times you bathe him: washing him more often means to give him a bit of freshness, it takes away salt stagnation from his body and the organic acids that his body expels when sweating and it avoids his skin to irritate which is typical in new-borns, it is called prickly heat.

 
For what the mountains are concerned what is important is to not exaggerate: the ideal altitude for smaller children is between 800 and 1,500 metres of altitude, with hill or low mountain weather, that does not ever record excessively rigid temperatures or sudden temperature changes which are intense for the child's organism. For the rest, the relaxing, peaceful and genuine environment along with the luxuriant and purifying mountain vegetation agree with the baby's needs. Nevertheless it is important to keep in mind that the benefits offered to a child in the mountains are strictly connected to the hours spent outdoors. It is best to avoid the hottest hours, but also early morning or evening ones when it could be too cool. In bad weather days it is best to reduce the times you go out, especially when it is windy. The best clothing in any case is "layers" because it allows you to undress and dress the baby according to the changes of temperature, which are very frequent in the mountains. Do not think that in the mountains one must not be protected from the sun: a hat, a good sunscreen and maybe a product against insect bites should never lack in a baby's bag.

 
In any case before you choose the place, beach or mountain, it is best to call the tourist office to ask what health service is available, where the closest hospital is, who you can call in case of need, which are the closest chemists'. At last, it is a good idea to keep in mind that a new-born has longer times of adaptation and so it is preferable to avoid long trips for just a few days of stay. This does not mean that you have to have boring vacations. If you have always liked to move around there is no reason to give it up. Once you have established a departure base you can organize daily trips taking advantage of the fact that a new-born is much more "manageable" than a child that has learnt to walk and... complain.

Growing up is an individual experience

 
Kilo after kilo, centimetre after centimetre. In the first months of life a child's growth occurs so fast that we are perplexed. Let's take, for example, height: in the first four-five weeks a new-born can grow even a centimetre a week. An increase that stabilizes already in the second trimester, sometimes creating some worries in parents. But an adult's future height has nothing to do with the quickness of growth in the first weeks: height is written in the child's genes and every individual follows an individual growth rhythm.

 
What counts is that the increase is regular and proportional to the increase of weight. Obviously it is the paediatrician that establishes the child's normal development, that, thanks to the help of particular tables called "percentile diagrams", it is able to verify the regularity and consistency of growth in the height of every child. The tables indicate the average values of children divided by age and sex, relative to their weight, height and cranial circumference and they allow to establish if, based on the different parameters taken, a child is or not in the appropriate "percentile" for his age.
So let's see what the "standard" measures of growth are in height.

 
• From birth to three months: a new-born baby is, averagely, 51 centimetres long (50 for little girls) though a height that is 4 centimetres more or less is to consider perfectly normal. In the first three months the increase of length is usually 5 centimetres in the first month, 2-3 centimetres in the second and 2 centimetres in the third. The average height at the end of the third month is about 60-62 centimetres considering if it is a little boy or a little girl.

 
• From 3 to 6 months: in the second trimester children grow only two centimetres a month to get averagely to 68 centimetres for little boys and 66 for little girls.

 
• From 6 to 12 months: the increase of height begins to slow down and it stabilizes on 1-2 centimetres a month. At their first birthday a little boy is averagely 78 centimetres tall and little girls are 76.

 
• From 12 to 24 months: there is a regular increase of height that is normally considered adequate in the tables if at the end of the second year it reaches a minimum of 82 cm and a maximum of 94 for little boys and a minimum of 81.7 cm. and a maximum of 82.2 for little girls.

 
• From 2 to 3 years: a normal height is between a minimum of 91.5 cm. and a maximum of 103 for little boys and a minimum of 90 cm. and a maximum of 102 for little girls.

 
Nevertheless, it is important to underline that a slowdown of growth or some points less compared to the expected parameters is not a symptom of a physical problem. The regularity in height development mostly depends on individual rhythms of every single child: there are children that are more precocious and others that are slower, children that grow centimetre after centimetre with perfect regularity and others that proceed with skips. A standard parameter to establish before-hand if the child will become a giant or if he will stay small does not exist. Many factors intervene on the child's height growth. The growth potential of a child is for example mostly determined by his genetic patrimony that he has inherited by his parents. This is a factor that cannot be changed. But certainly unfavourable environmental conditions can prevent the child to reach the height to which he is potentially destined.
So a healthy, varied and well-balanced diet, like the possibility to run and jump and, later on, a habitual sport activity are excellent incentives for an optimal growth. But they are not enough by themselves. It has been proven, in fact, that children that do no receive the right quantity of attention and stimulus grow less compared to other children their age. Some cuddles more than usual and some time to invent new games to play together, best if outdoors, will be a real nostrum for their growth. The growth of their body and...their mind.


Growing up is an individual experience

 
Kilo after kilo, centimetre after centimetre. In the first months of life a child's growth occurs so fast that we are perplexed. Let's take, for example, height: in the first four-five weeks a new-born can grow even a centimetre a week. An increase that stabilizes already in the second trimester, sometimes creating some worries in parents. But an adult's future height has nothing to do with the quickness of growth in the first weeks: height is written in the child's genes and every individual follows an individual growth rhythm.

 
What counts is that the increase is regular and proportional to the increase of weight. Obviously it is the paediatrician that establishes the child's normal development, that, thanks to the help of particular tables called "percentile diagrams", it is able to verify the regularity and consistency of growth in the height of every child. The tables indicate the average values of children divided by age and sex, relative to their weight, height and cranial circumference and they allow to establish if, based on the different parameters taken, a child is or not in the appropriate "percentile" for his age.
So let's see what the "standard" measures of growth are in height.

 
• From birth to three months: a new-born baby is, averagely, 51 centimetres long (50 for little girls) though a height that is 4 centimetres more or less is to consider perfectly normal. In the first three months the increase of length is usually 5 centimetres in the first month, 2-3 centimetres in the second and 2 centimetres in the third. The average height at the end of the third month is about 60-62 centimetres considering if it is a little boy or a little girl.

 
• From 3 to 6 months: in the second trimester children grow only two centimetres a month to get averagely to 68 centimetres for little boys and 66 for little girls.

 
• From 6 to 12 months: the increase of height begins to slow down and it stabilizes on 1-2 centimetres a month. At their first birthday a little boy is averagely 78 centimetres tall and little girls are 76.

 
• From 12 to 24 months: there is a regular increase of height that is normally considered adequate in the tables if at the end of the second year it reaches a minimum of 82 cm and a maximum of 94 for little boys and a minimum of 81.7 cm. and a maximum of 82.2 for little girls.

 
• From 2 to 3 years: a normal height is between a minimum of 91.5 cm. and a maximum of 103 for little boys and a minimum of 90 cm. and a maximum of 102 for little girls.

 
Nevertheless, it is important to underline that a slowdown of growth or some points less compared to the expected parameters is not a symptom of a physical problem. The regularity in height development mostly depends on individual rhythms of every single child: there are children that are more precocious and others that are slower, children that grow centimetre after centimetre with perfect regularity and others that proceed with skips. A standard parameter to establish before-hand if the child will become a giant or if he will stay small does not exist. Many factors intervene on the child's height growth. The growth potential of a child is for example mostly determined by his genetic patrimony that he has inherited by his parents. This is a factor that cannot be changed. But certainly unfavourable environmental conditions can prevent the child to reach the height to which he is potentially destined.
So a healthy, varied and well-balanced diet, like the possibility to run and jump and, later on, a habitual sport activity are excellent incentives for an optimal growth. But they are not enough by themselves. It has been proven, in fact, that children that do no receive the right quantity of attention and stimulus grow less compared to other children their age. Some cuddles more than usual and some time to invent new games to play together, best if outdoors, will be a real nostrum for their growth. The growth of their body and...their mind.

Liveliness cannot be fought

 
Exuberant, energetic, restless. Little tornadoes with extraordinary liveliness that find it difficult to stay still for a minute. At this age children seem to not know what tiredness is. They run, jump, they move with no break, with a charge of energy that leaves us perplexed and that can, understandably, become tiring. Tiring...though inevitable. The desire to move around, yell, to "rant" is part of every child's nature. It responds to the precise need to express one's personality and drive. It is wrong to repress it, counterproductive to try and "solve it" with other "energy". The liveliness of a child is almost never "a problem to solve". And if anything it is a reality to consider and to second. It is a vital force to funnel towards the conquest of new targets. All that has to be done is accept it. All you have to do is find the winning strategies to allow the child to express it in freedom and confidence.

 
The liveliness, exuberance, the restless desire to run and play must be experienced as they are. They do not represent a limit or an advantage for a child. The reasons that determine them are several. In most cases it is simply "natural" needs common to all children. By moving, running, jumping children explore the world and themselves, they verify the limits of their surrounding reality, the limits of their bodies and their physical abilities, they learn to identify dangers and to avoid them. This does not mean that to determine the restless behaviour the child's natural temperament does not take part. Everyone has their own personality. As children, like adults, there are people that are calm and placid and those who have the need to live in continuous movement. In any case it is not a quality nor is it a flaw. It is only what one is and attempting to force someone's nature is as difficult as it is inapt.

 
A lively child cannot be forced to stay still. It would be useless and even counterproductive. If the "perpetual movement" irritates who has to take care of him the risk is creating a vicious circle in which grownups and children exasperate each other. A lively child needs parents that are capable of maintaining calmness, capable of "containing" his most unbridled impulses, willing to funnel his extraordinary dose of energy in something constructive and more adequate to his nature: practicing sports, staying outdoors, being involved in new and interesting activities. The hot weather can represent a valid help in this sense. Take your children to the park, in green areas reserved for children, in places they can "rant" freely and where there is no reason to limit their exuberance.
Organize week-ends, picnics or just an afternoon outdoors to spend together along with other families and your child's play mates. Propose games that allow the little ones to have fun but where they learn also. Even old time games - flags, hot potato, bag races – will be great. What matters is that the child can funnel his energy for the conquest of a result. These are attempts that are worth trying, because, otherwise you will be obligated to "stand" his liveliness as it is. That is "his" way of being and the fatigue that comes from it is and will be the adults' problem.

On the road towards independence

 
Little men and little women grow up. Physically and mentally. According to their nature and taste. But with the common desire of conquering independence, of expressing their personality, of finally becoming "big". And, "being big", also means to choose. It is best to not forget it when the moment arrives in which the sweet and dependent only to us and to our choices child asks us to be able to choose what to wear, friends, vacations and ambitions. A child that has had the chance to choose, to compare himself with others, to express his preferences will certainly be more motivated compared to the one that an adult has imposed tastes and limits. The more the reason and enthusiasm of feeling "grownup" will be, the more the results will be.
This does not mean, obviously, giving your child the possibility to act with no control. It simply means to give him safe realities in which he can move around in, give him positive values from where to start, give him constructive opportunities from which to choose from and thanks to which he can grow in full freedom.

 
It is not easy to educate a child. It is not easy when, at the threshold of his pre adolescence, we realize that what is expected from us is a difficult task. More difficult than what we imagined. Baby food, nappies and sleepless nights were not such an irresolvable problem. And those months even if they were so committing did not let you presuppose changes that are so sudden. We were not warned. We are not ready to face young men and women that want to dress with the latest fashion, teenagers that fall in love, best friends that take our baby away for vacation, children that want to grow up at all costs. It is not easy to accept your child's desire of independence. It is not easy to respect his need to grow, to decide, to change, without surrendering to the desire of continuous control, just a bit more, of his choices.

 
It is not easy, though necessary. It is necessary that a child can fully experience every phase of his growth, that he can face the world outside and along with what the society in which he lives gives him. The inverse risk is to trigger a mechanism of complexes and frustrations triggered by the awareness of not being like others. Being able to choose the clothing of the moment, being able to practice a sport instead of another, being able to freely hang out with their friends "is part of the game". A game that takes every child towards their road to being an adult. Along this road parents have the task of giving up that feeling, which is natural and understandable, that pushes towards keeping that bond, control, choices. From this moment on expected limits, warnings and choices are useful only in extreme cases. What children that are going towards adolescence really need are "instruments": instruments of valuation, comparison, choosing. For this reason it is important to cultivate already at this age an open, available and sincere dialogue. Warm parents and parents willing to give advice but not impose, ready to accept choices with no resentment are a precious gift. For the child of today, for the teenager of tomorrow and for the man of the days to come.