the newsletter, March 2006

Shall we think about his layette?

 
For some mothers nine months fly by. For others the weeks seem to go by unexpectedly slowly. For everyone, however, the time starts to quickly race by when the moment comes to consider the tangible needs that the birth of a child involves. There are many things to be done. It is necessary to think about what is needed for the birth, to prepare the room, to choose the crib, the stroller, the layette and the accessories needed to look after the child. The secret of doing things without problems is to start early and to make decisions, bearing in mind, from the beginning, the main rules to purchase in an "enjoyable" and "conscious" manner. To give in to temptations is legitimate, but it is not a rule and neither a must.
It is essential, therefore, to carefully plan your purchases, also taking into consideration the desire of relatives and friends to share the joy of the event with a tangible gesture, with a useful gift.

 
The mother and father will be the ones to have the exclusive pleasure of planning all that is needed for the first days of their baby. But everything else can be put on a birth gift list at a specialised shop. In planning the list, you should consider the risk of buying more than you need. Especially with regards to baby clothes. Newborns grow quickly, they pass from one to size to another and, besides, baby suits, smocks and pyjamas are among the most common gifts. Gifts from friends and relatives can add to those that you had already chosen in your reference shop. Add therefore to the list all the accessories that, on the contrary, will be essential for a long time: a stroller, bottle warmer, sterilisers, cot and pram linen sets, baby carriers, baby changer bags. In short, think about all, and we mean all the needs of the coming baby.
 
Take time to wander round the shops and choose. And take advantage of those months - the sixth and seventh in particular–in which the pregnancy is already well on its way, but you are not to "weighed down" by a heavy tummy which is rapidly growing. It is important, nevertheless, that you dedicate yourself to going shopping only if you really want to. You may find that you feel lazy and lacking in enthusiasm when faced with the idea of going shopping for the layettes, cots and changing mats. It is perfectly understandable and there is no reason to feel crushed by senses of guilt for being so "insensitive" to the call of the shop-windows and the needs of the child. It is better to simply postpone the purchases until you feel a bit more inclined.
It is preferable to shop with a good state of mind rather than with the anxiety of having to choose. Give yourself the freedom to manage this phase of your pregnancy, try to calm - firmly and without offending, the shopping enthusiasm of grandmothers, sisters and friends, talk about it with your partner. If it is his enthusiasm and his participation that is lacking, share this feeling with him, asking him to accompany you without, nevertheless, forcing him to take part in endless afternoons of shops and store-windows.

 
Worry not, the moment will come in which the desire to go shopping will return: there will be times when you will want to go shopping alone, others in which it will be a pleasure for you to go with your partner, others when a friend's company, maybe with more experience, will seem useful to you.
But, in any case, in all those moments, leave space for imagination, realise your dreams, follow your heart. And you will discover that also the choice of a baby suit can turn into a gesture of love. For a child that is not yet present but that is already part of your life.

 

That unconfessed fear

 
There is no parent that has not got up in the middle of the night to check that their baby is still breathing. The reason is a common and terrible fear: the possibility that the child can be a victim to the so-called "cot death". Defined by the initials SIDS - that is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome -, it is an eventuality that primarily interests babies from two to five months of age, the cause of which is still uncertain and, constantly the subject of scientific studies all over the world. Nevertheless, it is possible to prevent and sensitively reduce cases: simply follow some recommendations that in a incontrovertible manner and according to scientific research, have proved to be valid.

 
The results of research and information campaigns leave little doubt on the first recommendation to follow: newborn babies have to sleep on their back. In the United States, where since 1992 a mass informative campaign has been launched called "back to sleep", the sudden cot deaths of babies have decreased by 38 percent. Some studies have in fact proved that, one of the factors that favour sudden death syndrome, could be respiratory difficulties: sleeping on his back there is less risk that the baby will breather in carbon dioxide , a substance discharged during breathing. It has also been proved that sleeping on the back causes a greater number of natural awakenings, an event that is considered to be a mechanism of protection against the syndrome. Also the idea that in the supine position the baby encounters greater risks in the case of regurgitation of milk has been disproven by some research according to which, sleeping on the back would constitut e an element of protection, because the baby passes more easily from sleeping to waking up, putting into action effective mechanisms for the control of the breathing.

 
But, in the cot, peaceful sleep without risks is also assured by other factors. The mattress has to be rigid, to avoid the child sinking into it. A pillow is useless in the first few months, and for the most part, only prevents the movements of the baby. Avoid keeping ribbons, dolls or cuddly toys in the cot. Also remove the cord that ties the soother to the baby suit. The temperature is also very important. The climate in the room should not exceed 18/20 degrees and babies should never be excessively covered: for babies a baby suit with feet is fine. To avoid the child from ending up under the covers, these should be placed so that the baby can sleep using the lower part of the cot. It is also forbidden to smoke during pregnancy and the baby must not be exposed to passive smoking. It is recommended to continue breast feeding for up to 6 months. Leaving the baby in his cot is then the next step towards prevention. The researchers at the Washington Children' s National Medical Center have been able to verify that children that sleep in their parent's bed have a greater probability of being victims of SIDS than those that sleep in their own cot.

 
And, again from the United States, the news recently arrived that putting the baby to sleep with a soother can significantly reduce the negative events. This last indication is disputed by the associations that promote maternal nursing and who fear a negative "interference" of the soother in the continuity of breast feeding. Nevertheless the physicians of the American Academy of Paediatrics have explained that the soother helps mainly to keep the upper air ways open - to the advantage of greater oxygenation - and it prevents the child from entering into the deep sleep phase. Which is the most risky phase.

So small, so sensitive

 
Unaware of what is happening but extraordinarily sensitive to what surrounds them. This is the dimension in which babies live the first months of life. A dimension made of emotions, feelings and instinctive reactions, that are not to be underestimated, but considered and respected. A baby who is a few months old is capable of “feeling” our anxiety and our serenity, of "perceiving" our insecurity and our firmness. Of "understanding" our feelings and our emotions. It is a false impression to think we can hide our state of mind from a baby. As it is a false hope to think that such a small child does not "take advantage" of our natural and comprehensible desire "to spoil him".

 
For this reason it is important to learn to channel feelings and emotions in a direction that allows the child "to breathe" peacefulness and to learn, at the same time, the fundamental rules of an education which is vital for his growth.
The first factor that, without doubt, conclusively influences the state of mind of a child is the anxiety of his parents, in particular that of his mother. If a mother is nervous, worn-out, depressed, it is common that the child is too, and he will show this discomfort by crying, waking up continuously and being cranky. The consequence that derives from all this is a vicious circle in which the anxiety of a mother and her baby end up increasing that of the other. The first step is to resolve tensions and problems, accepting one's own uncertainties, facing one's own fears, relieving oneself from the weight of responsibility and difficulty, to regain equilibrium and receptivity.

 
The serenity of family life influences the moods of children considerably. And it is not enough to see apparent serenity, because children are like "sponges" and they also absorb feelings and tensions even when we fool ourselves we have hidden them. They realise when we are anxious, and when we sad, apprehensive, indulgent, mistrustful.
They recognize our feelings and, consequently, they react. A fragile child, vulnerable, timid is nearly always a child of an excessively apprehensive mother. As a spoilt child is, more often, brought up with indulgent parents, that cannot but give in to his every wish or desire. The tantrums about the parent's bed and the food battles are just some of the inevitable consequences of an education deprived of "no's". Consequences of which the child is not at fault. Children follow their instinct, they adjust to the emotions they receive, they imitate their parents. A mother or a father who is mistrustful towards others, introverted, closed in his or her own world, is for instance at the base of the behaviours of many asocial children. A child that lives in an open-minded family, that opens the home to friends, that meet people and different situations will, in turn, and on the contrary, be more open towards others and will also face more easily the inevita ble separations of growth.

 
A child is never too young to learn the meaning of feelings, of emotions and rules. It is already at this age that a child establishes with his parents the bases of a relationship that will mark his life forever: playing with a baby, even if he is tiny, smiling at him, speaking to him, allowing him to feel our serene presence, to stimulate him, to educate him and to help him to complete his progressive growth steps means making him feel protected, helped, loved. It means offering him the precious opportunity of growing up happily, with others and with himself.


When a child bites

 
It all happens unexpectedly. While you are playing with him on the bed or while you are dressing him, trying to win the usual battle of putting his arm into the sleeve of his jumper. And what happens...the child turns round and bites your hand! The first hypothesis is that the instinct behind the gesture is playful, one of gaining knowledge. The second, and don't be surprised, is that the behavior is dictated by his anger and his desire to rebel. In both cases there is however no need to worry, it is a common experience in the life of a child, to which it is necessary to answer firmly and, at the same time, with understanding.

 
For a small child, biting is essentially an action of "gaining knowledge": he puts object in his mouth, including your hand to discover their shape, their texture, their taste. An "exercise" that, nevertheless, persists only for about the first year. Subsequently the mouth becomes for a child a way of communicating and affirming himself. With this bite the child expresses affection and desires, he attracts the attention of others and, if he still cannot speak, he communicates his own emotions to the surrounding world, his own dissents, his own frustrations. "I am grown up and I want to decide what to wear, I want to be the protagonist of my and your life, I don't want to lose your attention due to the arrival of a little brother, I don't want the other children to win the games...": these are the feelings that a child expresses when biting. Nevertheless, even when the behavior is dictated by anger or rebellion, the child is not aware of the effect of his gesture, he has no idea, at least the first few times, of the pain that a bite can inflict.

 
It is necessary therefore to scold the child, without however exaggerating, excluding from the beginning any possible violent reactions, that would confirm to the child the legitimacy and the effectiveness of aggressive behaviors. Communicate with clarity to the child that you are against him biting, immediately stopping him with a firm and decisive "no" . The child has to understand that his parents are "stronger" than him even if they don't use violence. Explain to him that bites hurt and, if he has left some marks, show him. It is necessary in any case to keep calm and avoid shouting. The anger of children can catch us out, and we may feel incapable of dealing with it. We should not be afraid of the aggressiveness of our children. On the contrary, we should be happy: a child that gets angry is a child that communicates, that shares his sufferings, his fears, his desires.
To totally deny and to condemn aggressiveness can push a child to being afraid of his own anger, to the point where he represses his feelings that will end up, sooner or later, exploding into violence. It is essential, on the contrary, to recognise the aggressiveness of a child and to share with him this recognition. It is important, also, to immediately face the moment of crisis with dialogue. "I know that you are angry, I understand your anger...": are the sentences with which to start, together with a discussion that gives the a child the opportunity to discover that talking leads to serenity and can open the road to alternative solutions or compromises. Explain to him that there are other ways of imposing one's idea, teach him to communicate his anger and his desire for independence with words, and, to conclude, finish the talk with hugs and cuddles: the love of a mother and a father resolve a situation better than a thousand spankings.

When the discomfort is "hidden"

 
Prevention is better than a cure. It may seem a very banal remark, but it is always a good idea to remember it. Above all when it refers to the health of children. Discomfort, tiredness, difficulties in concentration and learning, hide, at times, a physical disturbance, a pathology which has not emerged. A problem, for the most part, easily resolvable if faced at the right moment and well in time. To underestimate the behavioural changes of children is, therefore, a risk which is not to be taken. Prevention starts here: with the scrupulousness with which you observe your children, with the ability to recognise the problems, with the desire to accept them, with the commitment to want to resolve them.

 
Not always a child that appears tired, lethargic or lazy "is just like that". As not always a child that doesn't answer when you call him, is being naughty, or a child that cries a lot is a "restless" or "spoilt" child.
More often than one imagines, the cause of the child's anomalous behaviors have nothing to do with education or child psychology. Problems with their teeth, sight problems, reduced hearing ability, are just some of the troubles at the base of unusual reactions, of attitudes that are only too often liquidated as banal demonstrations of the growth of a child. Let's think about it. A child that doesn't hear perfectly, certainly has greater difficulties to learn to speak, as, probably he seems to ignore instructions from his parents, as he cannot hear them. Equally a child that has sight problems is often lethargic and lazy when he has to focus on a static activity, because the effort he has to make to look and to focus on images is immense and requires therefore a great amount of energy.

 
The fact is that children are almost never capable of explaining the reasons for their behaviour. They are not capable when the causes are indeed "banal", and neither are they capable when they should associate a physical difficulty with an emotional reaction. It is important to bear in mind that from three to five years of age the periodic appointment with the paediatrician is nowadays programmed every six months. And with regards to specialist appointments, a child meets an oculist in the first years of life only if there are significant problems in the family and, on average, a child does not visit a dentist before six years of age. This means that it is substantially up to the parents to evaluate the behaviours that can hide possible physical problems. This is what learning to get to know your child means. It means observing him while he is watching TV or while he flips through a book, it means taking into account that a child that can't hear you keeps running when you call him, it means understanding that a whim can also start with a headache. It means discovering that, at times, the behaviour of a child hides an unaware request for help.

The words to speak of death

 
"Why do we die?"; "Where do we go when we die"; "Will you die too mummy?". Inevitable questions when a child lives a mourning in the family, when he finds himself having to share the unhappiness of a friend, when he is shocked by a story on the news. Questions to which it is necessary to give an answer, to which it is important to find the correct words.

 
Initially the questions that small children ask most often relate to their surrounding world, unknown and, therefore, to be discovered and explored. Nevertheless, it is through this initial and ardent "game" of why's that children soon realise, little by little that, if the "truth" of adults is capable of satisfying their simple desire of knowledge of the outside world, they can, just as effectively, open the most secret doors of life.
It is at this point that the questions stop being casual and the curiosity of the children begin to turn to themselves and the facts that concern them more closely. "Why do we die?" it is a question that does not come from nowhere. A child that asks a question on death is, usually, a child that is coming to terms with the painful experience of someone passing away. The request for explanations is almost always accompanied by a mourning in the family or in any case an occasion that leads the child to reflect on a circumstance that, if it belongs to the rest of the world, could one day also concern his dear ones. Also when his parents decide not to allow him to actually participate, explaining to him what has happened, a child "realises" that death changes something. He perceives it in the expressions of the faces around him, in the emotion, in the change in the family life that occurs in relation to the deceased person. In these cases, in a situation of excl usion that has been considered as a way to protect him, there is the risk that the child will remain even more bewildered by what has happened or, even more, that he will end up interpreting the hurting as the consequence of his behaviour. Give priority attention therefore to the requests for explanations that a child makes in relation to death.

 
To appear evasive or, even worse, show uneasiness, can turn out to be harmful and self-defeating. Our reluctance could induce the child to perceive the event of mourning in a distorted and negative way and to build around the death a halo of mystery that won't help him to understand and to elaborate the bereavement. It is necessary, on the contrary, and it is more useful, to try to give the child the "correct" truth. Not too elaborate, but neither a fairytale or imaginative story. Simply the "truth", suitable for his age and his needs.
Tell him with simple words and in a clear manner what is happening. Avoid using euphemisms like "grandmother has gone to sleep" or "grandmother has left for a long journey". The risk is that of condemning the child to an endless wait, founded on the hope that the missing person will return.

 
It is no use giving complicated answers when a few words are enough to satisfy the legitimate curiosity of a child. There will be time for other questions and for other answers: when faced with a child's questions never forget the concept of gradualness. A child that asks about death needs to "simply" understand the idea of an irreversible end, of a disappearance from daily life that doesn't foresee the possibility of return. But, above all, he needs to be reassured, that his parents or the people dear to him won't abandon him, at least not as early as he could have imagined. It is enough therefore to explain to him that death is a natural event and, except in exceptional cases, related to time. That is why his parents will almost certainly not be gone until they grow much older. This can be enough to reassure a child. As little things can be enough to calm, day after day, the unhappiness for the disappearance of a grandfather. It is necessary to help child ren to understand the value that memories can have in relation to death. To remember the wonderful moments spent together, to consider the happy times, to look through the photos of those days doesn't mean prolonging the pain, but it means elaborating it, allowing the joy of what happened in the past make sense in the present.