Let's get ready for the birth

Expected but feared. Birth represents for almost all mothers an appointment full of contradiction. The joy of finally being able to embrace the desired and imagined baby is shadowed by fears and anguish. Uncertainties that almost always conceal the fear of the pain and the idea of not being able to bear it. A fear which is without doubt understandable, considering that the culture to which we belong has always related the moment of birth to the inevitable suffering of a mother. Nevertheless, accepting this fragility, as being informed on what birth is and the techniques that make it easier, can help to reach an awareness and, therefore, self-assurance and calm that are necessary to win over all these fears.

The first tangible help is provided by nature, that has given women extraordinary instruments to bear the suffering during birth. At the moment of birth the maternal organism begins to produce large amounts of beta endorphins, that is endogenous morphine that has the same effect as opium. In practice it is as if the body "drugs itself" to bear the pain. Nevertheless if it is true that the mechanism works in all mothers, it is also true that the pain during birth represents a totally personal experience, related to different factors, of a psychological and cultural nature. That is why the best way to face the birth with self-assurance and serenity, remains the pregnancy course during the nine months, during which you learn, among other things, to use relaxation and breathing techniques that do actually help to bear pain. Nevertheless, if all of this has not been enough, simply focus on facts. The most reassuring message arrives from modern medicine that allows you "to c ancel" the pain during birth with a variety of methods. The most common is a local analgesia, called epidural that allows the mother not to feel any pain at all and to live therefore the birth in complete serenity. Alternatively it is possible to apply other methods, also effective, but less common, such as giving birth in water or acupuncture.

It is true, nevertheless, that not always the fear of the birth is justified by the fear to physically live a painful experience. Behind the most common fears often different types of anguish hides: the idea of losing our status of a pregnant woman and "to separate ourselves" physically from our baby, the fear of not being up to the role of a mother, the worry that the baby that is about to be born will not be what we dreamed of during the pregnancy. To recognize these fears, to confront them, to talk to others about them, to put them into perspective is however of great help. Don't be influenced by the stories of negative experiences, learn to share your negative thoughts without being ashamed of your fears. But, above all attribute the true "value" to the birth of a child. The birth is entirely a natural event that, in most cases, everything happens naturally and extraordinarily simply. And, even when this is not the case, even when to help the baby to be born it is necessary, for instance, have a caesarean, it is important to understand that the objective, that of assuring the well-being of your baby, has been achieved in any case. It is not the technique used that changes the meaning of a birth. It is not a caesarean cut that can belittle the whole value of a pregnancy. But, above all it is not a simple operation which aims to assure the well-being of a baby that can jeopardize, or decrease the mutual love of a mother and baby. To understand this and accept it, before it happens, is important. In order to be able to live with serenity and awareness every moment of the birth of your baby.

The reassurance of an embrace

A matter of habit. To learn to take a child into your arms confidently and without fear needs nothing more than "practice". Of course he is small. But he is definitely less fragile than you would expect. Nevertheless, when dealing with a newborn baby, a lot of mothers, but mainly many fathers, show the natural limits of their own role: they hold the child as if he could break if he sneezes; they find it hard to find the correct position to hold him without letting the head "drop" from one side to another; they face changing a nappy with the same anxiety of a teen-ager taking examinations. Comprehensible worries, destined however to disappear within a few weeks, when routine and the daily repetition of the actions will have made them all more familiar. It is easy to hold a newborn baby: all it takes is to follow some simple advice and to learn to keep your natural anxiety under control.

Remember first of all that if you suddenly or unexpectedly lift the baby up this will certainly cause him to cry and, accordingly, cause you uneasiness: there is nothing more tiring than looking after a baby who cries and moves around all the time. Before moving him establish eye contact with him and let him hear you: look at him in the eyes, softly speak to him and, even if it is obvious he cannot understand you, tell him what you are about to do. Lift him up by putting one hand under the nape of the neck, and the other at the height of his kidneys and gently lift him towards you, taking care to rest his head in the hollow of your arm. In the case of newborn babies, in fact, the muscles of the neck have not developed enough strength to sustain the weight of the head that, therefore, has to be supported.

To help him bring up wind it is advisable to lift the child picking him up from the armpits, then lean his head on your shoulder and hold him so he cannot fall backwards. Also when you put him down in the cot it is necessary to lie him down slowly on his back always remembering to support his head until he is lying completely flat. When changing his nappy simply place the baby on a hard surface, lift his legs with one hand and use the other to remove or insert the nappy. No fears, even when bathing him: the baby won't slip. To bathe him safely in the water, simply hold him with one hand under his armpit and rest his head on your wrist. The other hand, with which you can wash him, should support him under his bottom when you put him in the bath to make him feel safer.

The main point is, under all circumstances, to convey security to the baby with gestures and with words. Even when the father picks him up. "Don't hold him like that", "watch out!", "let me do it". It is almost natural for a mother to worriedly observe the awkward attempts of her companion as he tries to give her a hand. But it is often an unfounded worry and something to be kept under control, if you want a companion next to you who can help you in looking after your child. Your anxieties, your criticisms, your disappointment when he tries "to be a dad" do nothing else but make him feel inadequate with the consequence that the fear of making more mistakes next time will make him even less at ease. Let the uncertainties he has in holding the baby go unnoticed, encourage your partner to pick him up in his arms, allow him to change his nappy or bathe him. Allow him in other words to get to know the baby, to train to be a father, to help him to help you. Your trust will make everything more simple. For him...and for you.

Sexuality and curiosity

From impudent exhibitionists to shy reticence. This is how children face the natural evolution of sexuality. From the starting point and that of arrival there is a gradual route made of curiosity and discoveries, of attempts to approach sexuality in his "own way" and of education to live it in the "correct way". That males and females are "different" is soon "perceived" by children, nevertheless the attitude towards their own body, their own nudity and that of others changes only as they get older. For the younger children being naked is a great pleasure, they love to feel free, they are at ease with their own body and with their nudity. After they are three, however, related to a general physical and psychological maturity, children discover the sexual differences, revealing, often unexpectedly, a certain curiosity towards nudity. There is no conscious eroticism in this curiosity: the little boys discover they have "something extra" that the little girls don't have and the little girls discover they have "something less" than the little boys.

Not by chance this is the main moment of "exploration", of their discovery of the outside world and, therefore, of their own body. Children begin to recognise their own sexual organs and the pleasure that derives from contact with them. A discovery that must in no way be inhibited: a lack of tolerance by the adults would do nothing more than induce the child to live with feelings of guilt and anguish something which it totally natural. The sense of "decency" after all, still has an abstract meaning for children and the awareness depends to a large extent only on the evolutionary development of each child. A development that also passes through the need for knowledge. It is not uncommon in this phase to hear questions like "Why are there males and females?", "How come I have a willy and my sister doesn't?". Who knows how many other times a child has already had the chance to see his own little sister naked, but only at a certain point does he become ware and curious about the difference and the need for an explanation. There is obviously no malice in the curiosity of the child. A child asks for the reason of the absence or presence of a " willy " with the same naturalness with which he would ask the reason for the absence of a mole. And this can help you to overcome the embarrassment of finding the answers. Answers that don't need a great deal of explanation: "Your little sister doesn't have a willy like you because she is a little girl and you are a little boy." Is that it ? If a child doesn't ask anything else, there is no need to carry on. There will be time for other questions and for other answers. As there will be time for the children to understand the reason for our embarrassment and the reasons for decency. It can also occur that many parents during this phase start to wonder if it is opportune to let their children see them naked. It is not whether it is opportune or not, however, that should be the main criterion of evaluation. Negation of nudity doesn't placate the natural curiosity of children towards sexuality, as on the other hand exhibited nudity doesn't resolve the doubts and the uncertainties of children. What the mother and father have to do is to behave naturally: the decision whether or not to be seen naked should only be in relation to how they feel most at ease, without feeling embarrassed and not to convey this embarrassment to the child who could give nudity a negative value that would be uncalled for.

All of a sudden it will be the same children, who until then had gone around the beach totally naked, who start to show an unexpected sense of shyness. This period generally coincides with the start of school and with their first encounter with schoolmates, playing together, new best friends. All of a sudden children are ashamed to be seen naked. A shame that should never be underestimated or forced. To educate a child to live naturally with his own intimacy doesn't mean causing or provoking feelings of embarrassment. It means supporting and respecting the phase towards a more mature childhood sexuality that starts to encounter desires and feelings that are difficult to understand. And which only time and the help of the parents will know how to turn into the natural expression of his own sexual identity.

The necessary work to explain the rules

"Because I say so!", "When you get older you will understand!". Children of yesterday and of today have all heard sentences of this kind. They seem innocent, but they hide a useless aggressiveness. They put children in a humiliating condition of intellectual inferiority. The reasons for a rule are unclear and incomprehensible. It is in the long run harmful and self-defeating. To give rules it is necessary to follow...rules. And the first rule is never to forget that the objective of every scolding, of all punishment, of all impositions has to be that of making the child understand what he has done wrong, what rule has been broken, what the consequences of his behavior can be. With the end objective being to give the child the ability to distinguish, autonomously, the importance of values and shared limits.

Don't be bad-mannered, don't approach strangers, don't do this, don't do that. For a child it is difficult to understand the borders between what is right and what is wrong and every imposition, every prohibition, is lived as an action of enforcement and limitation put into action by the world of adults. The passage to an awareness of the rules happens slowly, along a route of successes and defeats, of clashes and mediations. A difficult route. Difficult for a child, difficult for a mother and father. If this wasn't the case the work of a parent would be much more simple. And this is what we have to consider when we are about to forbid, to deny or to impose something on our children.

Rules are of primary importance for the growth of a child: they help him to start to understand reality, they contribute to forming his identity, they make him feel safer. For this reason they cannot be "enigmatic". It is true, it is not easy to educate a child. But fatigue, disappointment, even the comprehensible apprehension in wanting to protect him from dangers always have to leave room for reflection, for calm and objectivity. When faced with the nth ill-mannered behavior, you should simply explain to the child that social rules are consider inconvenient certain attitudes. Equally when faced with a broken rule it is essential that the child understands that the disappointment of his mother or his father is only due to their desire to help him avoid making mistakes and to allow him to understand the consequences of its behavior. Consequences that, therefore, must be explained. Use simple words, in a clear way and try to give him reasons which are as close as possib le to reality. There is no need to give in-depth explanations that we consider inadequate for the age of the child and that most probably would be totally incomprehensible to him. The objective is simply to create a reference within the child, that gets him used to autonomously considering matters that can or cannot be done, things that can and cannot be said, things that can and cannot be dangerous.

"Because I say so" means, on the other hand and in any case, making sure the child obeys the rule without nevertheless letting him confront himself with it. It means, in short and metaphorically "eliminating the danger". But when children grow up "the elimination of danger" must progressively be replaced by an "education on danger". It is important that a child learns to recognise the risks and the effects of an attitude, that he is informed about the possible consequences and able to behave correctly. And, to do this, children have to know and they have to be informed. "I have told you a thousand times not to speak to strangers" "Why?" "You will understand when you get older": it is a useless and self-defeating sentence that stems from the comprehensible anxiety that overcomes us when, for instance, we see an adult talking to our child. But is so much anxiety truly necessary? More than an total and generic prohibition, isn't it better perhaps to provide a precise and circumstantial explanation? A child cannot and must no grow up with a fear of strangers, protected by a curtain of prohibitions and denials. A child can and has to grow up by developing his own ability to understand dangers, to appraise the limits of a normal relationship between adults and children, to confront his parents with his own fears, his own anxieties, his own experiences. But to achieve all this there has to be dialogue and confidence between parents and children. "Because I say so!", "When you get older you will understand!": are sentences that can achieve fear and respect. But more is needed to grow up and gain self-independence.