Mother, let dad do it

When a child is born a mother is born too. And also a father. It is a good idea not to forget it when his awkward attempts to be useful make you want to "do it on your own". The worry, though understandable, is often unfounded and something to keep a check on if you want a companion that collaborates in running the family, that helps you to overcome the fatigue and the uncertainties of the first few months, that actively participates in the construction of a happy future in three.

Which doesn't' mean that the father has to turn into a "mammo": an insidious and ugly neologism. "Mammo" implies a substitutive function that risks creating expectations destined to be disappointed and, above all, create a detrimental confusion of roles. Mother and father have different roles, just as they have different times and ways of building a relationship with the newborn baby: to expect a father to have the same emotional involvement as a mother from the first few days is something that will not happen. Even the most attentive, involved fathers, those most prepared for dealing with the baby cannot avoid, during the first months, feeling a bit left out, which is justified and natural: the mother seems to be enough for the baby, and the baby seems to be enough for the mother. On top of this there is the fact that when dealing with a newborn baby, many fathers at their first experience show their natural limits in this role: they hold the baby as if he is going to break as soon as he sneezes; they struggle to find the correct position to hold him without letting his head "rock" from one side to another; they face changing nappies with the anxiety as a teen-ager taking A-levels.

This rightful premise should not nevertheless represent an alibi to exclude the father from the daily commitments of the new family management. On the contrary. The father must be involved, from day one, day after day, with confidence and, above all, with the disposition to accept "his" way of dealing with the family. Probably it is not the same as yours and, for this reason, you can foresee, especially at the beginning, separate duties, but in any case always conclusive. If until today you had paid particular attention to personally cleaning and tidying the house, now that have a child to attend to, you can, for instance, delegate the management of the daily matters to your partner: it doesn't matter if the glass on the window doesn't shine like when you do it. Allow him to organize the daily chores. Ask him to go shopping, to cook some dishes or to prepare and arrange the accessories that you use for the baby: cleaning baby bottles and teats, putting the baby clothes away or preparing those needed to change him.

The main point is, in any case, that when you ask for his help, you do so clearly and directly. For those who have not lived through maternity and involved in the sudden changes of daily life, it is often difficult to understand the practical needs of a mother. Explain your needs clearly, give instructions directly to the person who will be doing the chore. Try to avoid any misunderstandings and disappointments, which will only increase when the time comes for your partner to deal with the baby on his own. "Don't hold him like that", "watch out!", "leave it to me": you will have to curb your anxieties, your criticisms, your disappointment when he tries to help, when he does his best to "be a good dad" or you will only increase he sense of inadequacy. The result being that his fear to make more mistakes next time will make things worse.

It is a case of understanding that men and women have a different but complementary way of doing things but both are essential for the growth of a child: his mother can look after him in a more gentle way but the strong arms of a father will give him a more "manly" and secure way of experimenting life. A child doesn't need, on the other hand, a father who becomes more gentle or learns how to change him to perfection. It is sufficient if he looks after the general family needs, helping the mother and the baby. Sometimes, perhaps, in a very awkward manner, but the important point being that he does it.

Small swimmers in the pool

Newborn babies love water. The transparency, the warmth, the possibility to move freely remind them of their life in the womb and, at the same time offer the possibility to experiment new feelings: the weight, the noises, the water on the skin. Feelings that a child can experience from the first few months, thanks to "water awareness" courses that are increasingly popular at swimming pools and sporting facilities specifically proposed to new parents.

From a medical point of view there are no side effects to starting from the first few weeks to dip newborns in the pool, but many paediatricians and structures suggest enrolling the child only after he has had his first cycle of vaccinations, when he is three month's old.

All the swimming pools offer a trial lesson because it is important to check the predisposition of the child and the serenity of the parent that accompanies him. Living with anxiety and fears an experience that on paper is intended to give serenity and calm to parents and children has no sense at all.

During the "lesson" the child enters the water together with his mother or father who, following the indications of an instructor, learn how to support him and to actively participate in his playing, whilst the child is left completely free to express himself without ever forcing his approach to the water. The advantages that originate are many: the progressive adaptation of the baby to the water, the experience of playing in a new and stimulating environment, the consolidation of the mother/child bond. And finally, not in importance, the value of imitation: a mother who shows confidence in the water and encourages her child to experiment will help him overcome his fears, enhancing his self-confidence.

It is therefore definitely an interesting and positive experience, but it is necessary to remember that newborns have special needs. For this reason the choice of the swimming pool must be made in consideration of a few but important conditions. An optimal water course should be, for instance, on a weekly basis with 45/50 minute lessons (and however no more than an hour). The groups should not be more than five baby-parent couples per instructor, and the latter should be specialized in working with newborns. It is also important that the sessions foresee a progressive approach to the water; usually at the beginning it is the parent who enters the pool, supporting the child on a special inflatable mat and encouraging him to dip his hands and feet in the water. The immersion of the body will happen in his own time and without forcing him, allowing him to experiment and play, strengthening his confidence and the bond with his parents. The times can vary also i n this case, but a course which lasts around nine-ten months allows the child to complete all the acclimatization, floating and immersion phases.

A good structure also has to have all the right equipment specifically for children: water games and didactic material for correct motor and sensorial stimulation, safety standard mats and mattresses, adequately heated water, equipped changing rooms with all necessary basics. It is also essential that hygiene is guaranteed: newborns have in fact a very thin and delicate skin, particularly exposed therefore to fungus and other skin infections. Once you have found a facility which responds to all these requirements, remember to buy the special water-proof nappies and get ready to spend a special afternoon. Leaving commitments and worries outside the pool.

No appetite without evidence

"One for mummy, one for daddy, one for grandma..." Every trick is acceptable to convince a child to swallow some spoonfuls of food. There are those who tell imaginative stories, those who makes birds and aeroplanes fly, those who promise rewards and those, tired and deadbeat, allow the child to eat in front of his favourite cartoon on TV. At the origin of all this is the firm conviction that the child is not eating enough. Or rather, to be more precise, that "my child doesn't eat anything". Nothing could be further from the truth: in most cases when children refuse food it is due to a common lack of appetite, and, more often, the child simply eats what his organism actually needs and not what his mother and father would expect.

The problem is that parents often have a wrong idea of the nutritional needs of a child. When paediatricians actually check with the mother and father what the child that "doesn't eat anything" has eaten the day before, they often find that between main meals, snacks and extras, the child has greatly exceeded the calorie intake needed to grow. All of this without counting that, after the first year, a certain lack of appetite is physiological, and a simple cold is enough to abate a child's appetite and that the independence he has achieved initiates his "hunger" for discoveries and knowledge and puts his hunger for food in second place. So the children who are considered to be lacking in appetite – but who in actual fact simply know how to regulate their food intake - end up in a war to the bitter end that transforms lunches and suppers into a battleground. The most common effect is that the more passive children end up surrendering to the insistences of their par ents and eating more than they need, risking an excessive increase in weight, whilst the more active children put up an increasingly stronger fight and they often start a preventive refusal battle where they end up eating less than they would if they were left to eat on their own.

There is also then the fact that the incorrect perception of the nutritional needs is aggravated by the anxiety to see the child grow, that gives the food values and excessive expectations, together with a symbolic meaning that many mothers, unconsciously attribute entirely to the feeding and the nourishment of their child. Weaning in fact puts an end to breast feeding and with it the consolatory need of an action of love, essential for both mother and child. A delicate phase that mothers often find more difficult to face than the children. So the variations in appetite, the refusal or pleasure in food are often attributed meanings that go beyond purely nutritional values.

"If he doesn't eat it means he doesn't love me" is the more or less conscious idea that makes it difficult for some mothers to accept the refusal of food, that they have prepared with so much love for their child. Obviously this is not the case. Feeling accepted or rejected according to the satisfaction shown by the child when eating is an error not to commit. The first contact with food represents the beginning of an independent and essential growth phase in which the child "must" have the possibility to develop his own personality and his own preferences regarding the choice of how and what to eat. Very often the refusal of food for a child is the simple expression of his own tastes or his own food pace that does not necessarily coincide with that of his mother. Nothing more. When faced with a clear and constant refusal, simply respond with a smile: "if you don't want it, it doesn't import matter. You can eat later". A few appropriate words that will howe ver teach the child that eating, like loving, is a pleasure not an obligation.