newsletter Feb06

the newsletter, Apr 2007

The pregnancy doesn't rhyme with abstinence

The fear of harming the foetus, the idea of no longer being attractive and desirable, the tiredness that looms up. There are many factors and complex dynamics which contribute to determining a progressive decrease in the "erotic communication" in a couple during the nine months of pregnancy. Mechanisms which are mainly psychological and often risk being detrimental to the level of intimacy of a couple. Often but unjustly: pregnancy in such is not an obstacle for physical love that, if everything proceeds without problems, is good for the future parents. Preserving the pleasure of intimacy is something necessary and at the end of the day is not so difficult.

It means simply putting aside worries and anxieties and yield to the natural need for understanding and protection that can only be satisfied within the relationship of a couple.

To start with, let's try to get rid of some useless fears: sex during pregnancy does not harm the foetus. The baby is in fact completely protected inside the amniotic sack and is carefully isolated from the outside by a resistant mucous layer. It is impossible therefore that, during sexual intercourse, contact can be made with the foetus. According to some research, penetration, especially in the last phase of pregnancy, can even help the preparation of the pelvic muscles for giving birth. In short, sexual intercourse during pregnancy is even recommended. Or at least, the experts remind us, under "normal physiological conditions" they don't foresee any side effects. There are very few circumstances in which it is necessary to give up the pleasure of sex and almost exclusively concern those cases in which there are threats of an abortion, a possibility of premature birth, onset of infection, placenta previa, loss of amniotic liquid or when there is a multiple pregnancy.

Cases which to be honest are quite rare. Under all other circumstances there is no reason to abstain from sex. On the contrary. In many cases women find that their libido increases considerably during these nine months. This is mainly due to the fact that there is an increase in the production of hormones, known as "prolactin", which are the cause of sexual stimulation. Which is evidence that, from a biological point of view, sexual desires do not decrease at all. It is possible nevertheless that, despite there are no specific medical side effects, sexual intercourse suffers a progressive decrease and in some cases stops altogether without apparent reason. But the reasons, as in all events in life, do exist. They are mainly related to the psychological changes that both women and men undergo which affects their level of libido or sexual pleasure. For instance it can be difficult for a man to contemporarily perceive his companion as woman and as the mother o f his child, just as it can be difficult for a woman to accept that she is sexually aroused and surrender to the pleasure "in the presence" of a child. Then there is also the question of the changes in the body: the tummy grows, the kilos pile on, "beauty", intended as a good figure, fades away.

To therefore surmise a decrease in appeal and therefore the ability to be seductive in the eyes of one's partner is a legitimate thought. But it simply requires understanding and ability of the partners to accept each other and the relative states of mind. It is important, therefore, to try to understand the emotions of one's partner, talking about what is happening, sharing feelings and fears and declaring one's needs and desires as truthfully as possible. Without fear and without shame.

Attention, words, hugs and physical love are all something which are due to a mother-to-be and the only way that the couple can overcome any problems: sexual intercourse strengthens the sense of intimacy, it creates a relaxed atmosphere and even more essential brings serenity, that are all needed to face such a magical and important event. Now is the time when that sensation of warmth, of support and tenderness can truly strengthen the couple's relationship. As always, therefore: making love is good for love. And also for the love for the child who is on the way.

Extraordinary but tiring, exciting but worrisome. The first few days with a child are marked by conflicting feelings and situations that put the serenity of a lot of women to the test: according to recent research study conducted in Italy on 100 mothers during the first 18 months of maternity, only 10 of them had no problems in facing their maternal role. A possible initial difficulty is therefore a common and widespread element and has nothing to do with what is known as "post-natal depression". In most cases, what is needed is simply the ability to recognize one's own states of mind and to face the relative circumstances correctly. Accepting one's own limits, one's own tiredness, one's own vulnerability, one's own impelling need for help and support. To avoid the risk of turning an initial uneasiness into something more serious. But, above all, to give your baby all the serenity he needs.

Too often the term "post-natal depression" is used in an improper and generic manner. It is important, on the contrary, to clearly understand the difference between a brief and slight alteration of one's emotional state and real depression. In the first case one speaks more precisely of the "baby blues", a condition of extreme physical tiredness mainly due to the fatigue of giving birth and the sudden hormonal change that involves from 30 to 80% of all new mothers from the first days after the birth. The symptoms are generally a state of sadness and difficulty in relating to one's partner and one's family and relatives and the mood swings which end up in frequent weeping sessions for no apparent reason. There can also be difficulty in concentration and in sleeping, disturbed by continuous awakenings. Also a lack of appetite or uncontrollable hunger are common symptoms of this light condition of stress. A temporary disorder in any case that is destined to spontaneously disappear within 7-10 days without leaving any consequence for the mother or the child. The cases in which the "baby blues" evolve into actual depression are indeed very few and they involve only 10/20% of new mothers, of which only 3-6% actually have to deal with a more worrisome problem. The main difference with baby blues is that post-natal depression generally starts around the second and third month after the birth and can carry on for about 6/7 months if no appropriate intervention is made. The more common symptoms are in this case irritability or aggressiveness expressed both with words and behaviours, sleeping problems, difficulty in concentration, psychosomatic symptoms, diet disorders, dominant obsessive thoughts about the wellbeing of the baby. Then there is the loss of sexual desires and, above all, a profound feeling of inadequacy about not being able to look after the baby. Feelings which inevitably alternate with a sense of guilt for not being the "perfect mother" as you had imagined you would be during pregnancy.

How should one intervene in these cases? And, above all, how to avoid that a common initial discomfort turns into a more serious disorder? First of all by accepting one's own fragility. There is nothing strange in finding difficulty in adjusting to the rhythms of a small baby. "Perhaps I don't love him enough" some mother start to think when faced with the desire to find some time for themselves, when they want to rest, be on their own or meet up with friends. But negation and self-diagnosis are the worst reactions to a legitimate desire: you need time to rest, time to dedicate to your thoughts and yourself.

Don't try to be perfect and have a tidy house, ask for help, delegate some of the smaller daily commitments, take advantage of the time the baby sleeps to get some rest, to listen to some music, to read, to chat with a friend. Share your needs and your doubts with your partner: it is the only way to be able to reorganize the duties and the responsibilities of running the home so that you can get a little more free time. In many cases psychotherapy can help considerably: one cycle of meeting is generally sufficient to successfully overcome the most critical moments. It is important in any case to accept one's own limits and one's own fragility without being ashamed. You are changing, there is a new equilibrium in your life, a new dimension in which the mother and the woman in you have to converse, a real opportunity to regain the smile that your baby needs so much.

There are those that at birth only have a few hairs here and there and those who already boast a full head of hair. It is no use making comparisons: both will lose soon their first "hair style". In fact it is not actually proper hair, but rather a sort of down, which is destined to fall out quite soon, to leave space to the actual hair. It is a natural process that interests all children and that tends to settle down after the first 12 months. Until that time, losing hair is never a forewarning of a child who will suffer from baldness in the future.

The hair that covers a baby's head develops during the nine months of pregnancy. It is around the 4th month of pregnancy in fact that the first hair follicles form, which are responsible of the so-called "down", a covering of hair that covers the whole body of the baby. At the 7th month it is replaced by a new down, consisting in shorter hair, that will remain on the baby until he is born. Very similar to real hair, the provisional hair immediately seen on the newborn after birth tends to be interpreted by mothers and fathers as his final hair. Obviously this is not the case. The colour, consistency and aspect are destined to change over time according to a natural periodical changeover that interests the whole course of life and during the first few months is even more evident. The loss of the first hair is in fact part of a development cycle that lasts on average from three to five months. A period of time when the definitive loss of the down will allow the real hair to find strength and space and start to fill the baby's head. In general the appearance of the final hair is not usually completed before the first 12 months, though this is a generic indication because, as always, each baby has his own times. It is not rare, in fact, to find children who remain without hair at all until they are two, and then suddenly they begin to show the first indications of a thick head of hair.

It is necessary therefore not to be swayed by false tales and anecdotes. Starting with the incorrect beliefs that what causes the hairloss in babies is the maternal hormones or even the type of nursing one chooses. In most cases the loss simply happens because the baby rubs his head on the pillow which starts the natural hairloss process, which will happen in any case. Only very rarely the loss of hair can represent a symptom of a serious disorder, as in the cases of alopecia, for which it is necessary to visit a paediatrician. In all other cases it is no use getting alarmed. Above all, the use of lotions or ointments of any type are not recommended. There are no remedies to adopt to prevent the loss of this hair. The only expedient is perhaps trying to keep the baby's scalp as clean as possible. Anything else is simply an attempt to force the natural course of nature. An attempt, for this reason, which is destined to fail.

Confused lines traced with the sheer pleasure of fighting with the paper, dabs of colours dotted around a white sheet of paper with no apparent meaning, uncertain oblique twisted and awkward marks that project further that the boundaries of space. This is how the "artistic" history of a small painter starts. A pencil and some finger paints are all he needs for the time being to give him joy and fun. Only at a second phase will the "scribble" turn into a drawing and people and shapes will appear on the sheet: the meaning of the marks and the lines for the time being are not intended to be communicative. In this phase the child is simply intent in leaving a trace of himself on the sheet of paper. An imprint that nevertheless, due to the fact that it is involuntarily left, assumes a precise meaning which is easily interpretable. Simply pay attention to the details. And naturally allow the child to express himself in complete freedom, so that every choice of "s tyle" he makes is fruit of his own personal emotional reactions.

The helter-skelter lines that, without apparent logic and without any relation to reality, fill the sheets and the leisure time of children, are the most sincere expression of their states of mind, of their insecurities and of their fears and they have, for the researchers in this field, a precious meaning which is much more profound than me would imagine. Lines, colour and shapes already represent in this phase the projection of what each child feels inside, a communication in code with which the child unconsciously reveals his own character. A child narrates himself with his drawing using a new "language" and his scribbles assumes the value of an "identity card", that outlines his personality and allows us to decipher his secrets. The starting point on the sheet, but also the space occupied and the colours used, further to the depth of the lines and even the omission or the prevalence of elements, are all useful indications to decipher the hidden meaning of a drawing and discover its metaphors and messages. A child normally begins for instance by drawing from the centre of the sheet and occupying the entire space at his disposal, which is evidence of the strong extrovert trait and "egocentrism" that children have at this age. It is evident that if, on the contrary, a child chooses to start his drawing around the edges and uses only a small amount of space for his creation space, one could imagine he has a shy and reserved character. Vitality and energy are represented by the amount of pressure used on the sheet of paper, where insecure and trembling line allows us to identify a more fearful and timorous character.

The choice of the shapes is also particularly important to appraise the personality of a child: curves are signs of being open and extrovert, whilst oblique and angular lines reveal aggressiveness.

Equally the typical ball shapes very often represent a need of the child to find a space for himself, whilst a combination of angled lines express a message of possible suffering in the child which is probably due to his desire to find his own identity, overcoming the rules of adults. Colours also reveal a variety of aspects of the character. Each shade of colour has in fact a fundamental meaning and, if it is predominant, it is easy to recognize in the child an accentuation of some aspects of his personality which are sometimes excessive. Blue for instance expresses calm and serenity but if used in a prevailing way, it can mean that there is excessive self-control. Green has a meaning of rest and hope and can indicate, when it is used predominantly, idleness and submissiveness;

whilst red, synonymous of vivacity and energy, can express aggressiveness when it appears dominant in the drawing.

It is clear that the better support that parents can give to their children in this phase is to allow them to express themselves liberally. Give your child rather large sheet of white paper, make space for him on the table and leave him a variety of different possibility: pencils, felt-tips, crayons. Don't interfere with his desires: you must be an observer, you can participate and communicate with him, but never be intrusive. Allow him to choose how to draw on his own, avoid asking him to draw you something precise, don't suggest corrections that being his "scribbles" closer to reality. There will be time for gardens, the sea, and cottages. There will be time "to close" the circle. That will probably not be a perfect circle. But after all, there is no "reason", for a child to represent the world as it is. Allow him to use his imagination which is more colourful than reality.

The spring allergies have arrived

The arrival of spring also sees the prompt arrival of seasonal allergies, destined to compromise the desire of children to play and spend time with their friends outdoors. According to statistics, a significant 10% of the scholastic population suffer from rhinitis, conjunctivitis and, in the worst cases, asthma attacks during the pollen period. Limiting the discomfort is however possible. All it takes is to use the treatments available on the market and follow some good practical advice.

Sneezing, blocked noses, dark rings around the eyes, itching of the nose and throat and in 15% of the cases, breathing difficulties. These are the main symptoms of rhino-conjunctivitis allergies, a pathology which is constantly on the increase in the population and that, among children, is mainly seen in boys. The main causes of the problems are the various pollens in plants, which differ in different according to the geographical areas of the world: in Scandinavia for instance the most common allergies refer to birch trees, whilst in Great Britain as in Italy the allergies mainly hay fever. The predisposition to suffering from allergies depends nevertheless upon a number of factors. The first is the heredity factor: children with allergy suffering mothers have over 60% chance of being allergic too. Something just as fundamental is the environmental factor, in first place cigarette smoke: according to research, the risk of rhinitis in children that live in the damp and warm environments of modern houses with a mother and/or father who smokes is decidedly higher than those of children of their own age who share a home with non-smoking parents. Also environmental pollution and the precocious assumption of the main allergenic foods such as milk and eggs, can also contribute to a precocious onset of allergies. In any case if the symptoms that the child suffers from could be rhinitis, it is essential to visit an address to an otolaryngologist in order to exclude other pathologies, and to get confirmation of what the child is actually allergic to.

Due in fact to the variety of cause factors, there is no univocal cure to fight allergies, and neither is there one single form of defence and it is therefore entirely up to the physician to decide which is the right cure to give the child. Among these there are obviously antihistaminic medicines which are able to block the action of the histamine, the molecule freed during the allergic reaction which is the main cause of most of the symptoms of rhinitis. The only expedient on hand to parents and common to all types of allergies is to keep the child away from the element that causes the reaction. In the case of pollens it is for instance essential to limit the trips to the country, especially on dry or windy days and after a storm. It is also useful to change the air filters in cars and the air-conditioning units in the home, which are easy receptacles of pollen. Also avoid smoking and opening the windows in the house during the evening, when the presence o f pollens in the air is greater.

Do children need a mobile phone?

New, trendy and "homologated". The mobile phone has now become a "must" for all teenagers, but also for their smaller brothers and sisters. To whom the market is currently proposing coloured hand sets which are simple to use, with clear functions and large keys. The experts however are giving out warnings: the use of phones by children is not without risks. The cerebral tissues of children are in fact more sensitive to electromagnetic waves, they absorb a higher level of energy and are therefore exposed to radiations in a more harmful way. But apart from the medical aspects, certainly not secondary, there is another fundamental matter: do children really need a mobile phone?

The answer, is obviously no. They need, if anything, to share emotions, to meet and to spend time with their friends, by chatting with them and not by sms.

In short, it is clear that mobile phones are to be avoided. But that youngsters are willing to give them up is something very evident. A mobile phone for a child is a useful instrument to play, chat, to send sms. But, above all it is the confirmation of belonging to a group. Owning a mobile phone means being like the others, it means being accepted by classmates, who may not read or write correctly yet, but who are already all set to pass sentence, to decide who has the cards to become a leader and who is destined to remain emarginated from the group.

There is then a second aspect that relates directly to the responsibility of parents: more and more often mobile phones represent a kind of "electronic umbilical cord" that makes it easy to check up on the children, to know where they are and what they are doing, when they go out, when they are at home with friends. An "umbilical cord" that up to some years ago didn't exist, an absence that the families cohabited with without problems and that substantially helps to calm the anxieties and fears of parents. Often obliged to be away from home due to work or other commitments. But if all this can find some sense in the case of adolescent children who are trying to be independent, it certainly has no sense for children who are still going to primary school, who spend their hours in the classroom, who will hardly ever be on their own and when they need assistance they can count on the help of an adult and on the possibility to make a phone call. There is no reas on therefore "to anticipate" the purchase of a mobile phone: let's give children time to grow up, to receive the proper gifts for their age. Owning a mobile phone can make a child happy, but at the same time there is excessive responsibility and fear about carrying around such an expensive object: like adults, but without the rational instruments of an adult, he will live in fear of losing it, of breaking, or live the anger of it being stolen.

There is no actual tangible need therefore, which leaves the induced need: the need for a child not to feel different from "all the others" who have a mobile phone. The resistance to this need cannot respond to general rules and regards the level of judgement of individual families. To withstand the temptation, nevertheless, there must be an example consistent with the objective, dialogue and some small strategies. Let's start with an example: a child who lives in a family where his mother, father and brothers all spend time using their mobile phone or are always worried about buying the latest "extraordinary" multifunction model, will certainly find it more difficult to accept a refusal when he asks for an object which in his eyes obviously appears to be important. As in every situation, therefore, the refusal must be accompanied by dialogue: we can explain, for instance, that according to some medical research the use of the mobile phones is not recommend ed for children; that, as seen by the recent directive ruled by the government, mobile phones are now banned at school; that being still quite young and primarily living in the presence of an adult there are no tangible reasons that make this purchase "useful". For what concerns the various strategies, it is always possible to offer an alternative to the purchase of a mobile phone: we can accompany the refusal with the possibility to grant some other wish. It is important to verify the possibility of there being an "alliance" among parents. It is worth, for instance, talking to other mothers and fathers of his classmates. All it needs is one group of parents who decide to say NO to the purchase of mobile phones and the times change considerably. An agreement of this kind will in fact remove many of the presuppositions at the origin of the desire for a mobile phone:

"I am the only one without a mobile phone". Together it will be easier, because also in the education of children "together is stronger".